Let's Play....er Read The Hunger Games (an experiment in literary criticism).

[Avaitor]

I think so? A couple of people tweeted congratulating him, but that could just be a rumor.

[Lord Dalek]

CHAPTER NINE: Sad Katniss in Snow

All right lets get this over with. Impressed by Gale's will to live and hating the oppression of the Capitol creeping into District 12, Katniss decides its time to start a revolt...something Haymitch quickly calls bullshit on. Thank god! Its not like there are other mopey annoying teenage girls who could take over as narrator.

A delivery arrives from the Capitol (Jeezus Snow, you've won, stop torturing the girl), so once again Katniss is left with several EXTREMELY ENJOYABLE (TM) options...

A. Marry Peeta Mellark and get stuck with a bunch of backstabbing whiny brats who can't claim Tesseraes fast enough

B. RUN LIKE HELL

C. Go kill people

If you think its any of the above, you'd be absolutely wrong. HOWEVER, if you said the answer was "D. Go hunt squirrels and whine more" then you win the grand prize. Katniss goes off to sulk some more when suddenly she's surrounded by *GASP* PEACEKEEPERS!

Well better get it over with, time is money and I'm surprised we're only a quarter of a way into this thing BUT WAIT! Instead of putting a couple caps in Katniss, they instead offer her.... shortbread???

WOW ITS THE END OF PART ONE AND YET WE SEEMED TO HAVE ACCOMPLISHED LESS THAN THE LAST BOOK! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!?!

[Dr. Insomniac]

(Jeezus Snow, you've won, stop torturing the girl),

Yeah, this is what I meant by how the Capitol's evil was so stupid that it's self-destructive. There's no strategic reason to fuck with Katniss at this point, and I find it hard to believe that the Capitol's top agenda is "give teenage girl payback for giving us middle finger". That's not a government, that's a group of bitchy high school girls. Therefore, President Snow is Libby from Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

[Lord Dalek]

Therefore, President Snow is Libby from Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

MEAN GIRLS 3 starring Snow and Coin.

[Rynnec]

Katniss should've picked C. Not like there are that many likable characters that we'd miss too terribly.

[Dr. Insomniac]

Katniss should've picked C. Not like there are that many likable characters that we'd miss too terribly.

A funny thing, actually...

[Lord Dalek]

PART II: THE QUELL -- CHAPTER 10: "THE MYSTERIOUS MYSTERY OF MYSTERIOUS DISTRICT 13 MYSTERY"

New part, same filler. The two Peacekeepers reveal themselves as Bonnie and Twill, a pair of frightened women from District 8 who have survived using stolen uniforms. It seems the pot had been boiling in District 8 for some time before the Nightlock incident, but that only sent it over the edge. Bonnie and Twill are heading for District 13, the legendary graphite mining area that got nuked in the war... or did it?

You see there's a belief in District 8 that something may survive in 13. Every time the capitol wants to do their "OY! WE ARE SO EEEEVIL1!!!" schtick they recycle the same video footage of District 13 on a loop, as if they're trying to hide something from the rest of the districts. Katniss isn't buying it though and why should she? The area outside the Seam has been gated off for decades. Nobody who goes in too far ever comes out, so obviously Radioactivity must be the cause.

Nevertheless, Katniss gives Bonnie and Twill food and the two tell her they're on her side. This confuses the shit out of Katniss who doesn't know she's the symbol for the resistance and really doesn't want to be. Ominous signs are ahead.

[Dr. Insomniac]

You'd think the actual symbol of the resistance would be some martyr instead of a girl who, from the Districts' view, thought with her pussy instead of her head.

[Spark Of Spirit]

This probably would have made a better chapter 1.

[Foggle]

District 13 is a safe haven paradise.

Calling it now.

[Dr. Insomniac]

District 13 is a safe haven paradise.

Calling it now.

Yeah, pretty much. Too bad Collins can't get to the point and has to wait another 200 pages before revealing it.

[Foggle]

District 13 is a safe haven paradise.

Calling it now.

Yeah, pretty much. Too bad Collins can't get to the point and has to wait another 200 pages before revealing it.

Wow, that was some really phoned-in foreshadowing.

[Avaitor]

Apparently today is Katniss's birthday in the book.

How should we celebrate? Katniss?

[Dr. Insomniac]

I'll be prepared to man the fort when the trends come in.

[Lord Dalek]

Burnt bread, lamb stew, and barbecue squirrel for all!

...also if anybody can find a complete copy of Trevor Duncan's Mutations suite and Challenge of Space: Escape Velocity that isn't fragments, I will be a happy man.