Let's Play....er Read The Hunger Games (an experiment in literary criticism).

[Avaitor]

I remember reading the last lines of the book on tumblr before. If what I recall is true, this is ending a bizarre ending.

[Lord Dalek]

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN: Mockingjay Rising

The roof is blown and capitol hovercrafts start pouring in grabbing Katniss. Inside is Plutarch Heavensbee who instead of shooting her then and there, shuts Katniss' eyes. It is the end... or is it? I wish it was.

Katniss finds herself alive in some sort of medical facility, in another room is Beetee kept alive by some sort of iron lung thing. Katniss is unsure why the Capitol is going out of their way to keep HIM alive but is confident Snow wants to do the old Sub-Zero fatality move on her in public. Grabbing a seringe she attempts to make her escape only to be stopped by the sounds of a familiar voice... Haymitch Abernathy's.

Katniss proceeds to burst into a confrence between Haymitch, Plutarch, and Finnick and what follows is arguably the most confusing mass of last minute no build up plot twist in the entire book. Are you prepared for this? Are you?!?

HERE GOES...

Haymitch and Plutarch have been double agents all this time working for District 13 WHICH IS REAL! They knew how valuable Katniss was in her identity of the Mockingjay and had planned to blow the roof all along. All the tribunes save for the ones from 1, 2, and 12 were in on the plan. 1 and 2 because... well... its the careers and they're dicks... and Katniss and Peeta so they could claim lack of knowledge if the plan backfired. Johanna did NOT betray Katniss. The wound was inflicted to remove the trackers that the Capitol surgically implants. Apparantly the careers had some means of following these trackers. In the end, Katniss, Finnick, and Beetee were successfully rescued by the rebels, while Peeta, Johanna, and Enobaria were captured by the Capitol, Brutus is dead. The other districts are now in full on civil war and Katniss will be their Joan of Arc.

THIS IS TWO WHOLE PAGES WITH NO BUILD UP WHATSOEVER. GOT IT?!?

This bit of news pisses off Katniss to no end. She didn't like Haymitch for manipulating her in the past and now she lashes out, scratching him in the face. the next few pages are just her being mopy and dismal until another familiar face appears...

OH HI GALE!

Gale has gotten Prim and Mother out of District 12 and joined the rebels. Katniss is thrilled to see he is alive but not so much for the news he is about to bring. And the novel ends on a cliffhanger... Dristict 12 is now a smoldering crater, nuked by Snow.

THIS IS THE CONCLUSION OF CATCHING FIRE... THANK GOD. STAY TUNED FOR MOCKING JAY NEXT OVER MOST OF THESE CBS STATIONS

EDIT: Special bonus to celebrate this momentous long awaited occasion.

[Avaitor]

This is how to not do a sequel.

Long bouts of filler with no build up to the main story? Check.
Repeat the most memorable events from the first adventure with very little originality or respect to make them feel inviting? Check.
Give absolutely no build up to your big twists whatsoever? Check.
No character development to speak of? From what I can recall, check.
Have your ending shamelessly segway for the next part? You better believe it.

And this isn't even supposed to be the bad one. Even the hardcore fans of the franchise hate the ending to Mockingjay.

[Kiddington]

That ending was somehow worse than I expected. I don't know how that's even possible.

Oh man, now I really can't until you do Mockingjay. 

[Lord Dalek]

Oh man, now I really can't until you do Mockingjay. 

[Avaitor]

Also, "Judas Rising" over "Stargazer"? Really?

[Lord Dalek]

^Quiet you.

[Avaitor]

RJD's death will be avenged!

[Spark Of Spirit]

The worst part? Nothing that happened actually mattered. The end of HG was going to segue into MJ either way, this was basically all filler.

[Avaitor]

?His pointer finger circled my puckered love cave. ?Are you ready for this?? he mewled, smirking at me like a mother hamster about to eat her three-legged young.?

I need to read and review this book myself if Dalek won't do it.

[Lord Dalek]

So who's ready for the "exciting" (emphasis on the "") conclusion?

[Spark Of Spirit]

 

[Foggle]

So who's ready for the "exciting" (emphasis on the "") conclusion?

[Lord Dalek]

AND NOW... PRESENTED IN MOCKINGLY BAD TEXT RECAP FOR THE NEXT 28 CHAPTERS...

MOCKINGJAY

THE STORY SO FAR: OMG THIS IS THE GREATEST BOOK I HAVE EVER READ IN MY LIFE! THERE'S THIS GIRL NAMED KATNISS AND SHE'S KIND OF A MORON! THEN THERE'S THIS GUY... NAMED PEETA MELLARK! AND... oh... AND THERE'S THIS GUY NAMED HAYMITCH ABERNATHY AND HE'S AN EVIL ASSHOLE! I WAS AN EVIL ASSHOLE ONCE! THAT'S WHY I REVIEWED PONYO! HOOORAY!

Part The First: THE ASHES

CHAPTER ONE: For The Lucky Ones, The End Came Early

This is... for the lack of a better word... the exact same chapter as Chapter One of Catching Fire... I am not kidding... the words maybe a little different but the actual content has not changed. Once again we start in Distict 12. It is a few months after the games, a lot of things have happened to Katniss in this period of time, and there is a moment of growing dread. The difference is, instead of snow from winter, its the ash of the scorched remains of District 12 being blown around, Katniss is now going over her new life in the underground District 13 (which isn't a utopia at all) and Peeta isn't being avoided as much as he's probably dead (HOORAY!)

So basically Gale got as much of The Seam out as he could after the Capitol swarmed in and bombed the shit out of the area. That said much of the population is dead, from a combination of starvation, radiation burns, or just being turned to ash. District 13, and its oppertunisitic leader President Coin, needs Katniss Everdeen to play along with their masterplan to finally destroy Snow and the Capitol so sheltering the survivors of 12 is a start. Much like Peeta himself, however, his family didn't make it out alive. And it is now... several months later... that Katniss (accompanied by Gale and Plutarch) returns to District 12 to essay what is left of her homeland. Its not a pretty sight.

What does survive is the Winner's Village, allowing Katniss to reclaim some of her lost hunting gear (including her fathers' leather jacket). There's also something else there... something that once again introduces fear to Katniss... a single white rose, from President Snow.

How long has it been there? It really doesn't matter, because the Capitol IS coming. 

[Avaitor]

Winter Snow is coming.