Animation Revelation's Animation Blog

Heh, kind of difficult to be objective about something like Problem Solverz, since you’ve got a 95/5 split for a fandom…and what a small, isolated fandom they are.

Anyway…Problem Solverz started airing on Cartoon Network earlier this year, coming off the heels and in the heat of the big reform they’ve been making over the past few years. Folks had just started migrating back to CN to partake of its new smashing successes (namely, the bizarre and imaginative Adventure Time and the surreal work-com, Regular Show).

On opening night, the well-advertised show was instantly decried by the cartoon-consuming masses and decreed an epileptic plotless mess (not a quote). The ever-vigilant /co/mrades of 4chan’s esoteric cartoon circle were quick to rip it to shreds, as they often tend to. Toonzone, TVTropes, you name it, they hated it. This was possibly a bigger hate than that generated by Nickelodeon’s CG series “Fanboy & Chum-Chum”.

And this seems to be fully expected from the writers’ standpoint. From the ground up, the show seems intentionally built for people to hate it. The rudimentary animation (think about as advanced as Aqua Teen Hunger Force), plus the obnoxiously clashing colors and the MS paint-blatant use of gradients make for a truly rainbow-vomiting visual experience (hey, some people like that kind of thing, I guess). The main characters’ personalities are excruciatingly exaggerated and their voices are grating (save for Horace, the Only Sane Man, and Tux Dog, the playboy millionaire slash omniscient secret agent). Every episode is built on a slapdash, impossibly weird plot that starts nowhere and inevitably ends up nowhere, after first going everywhere. Naturally, this show seems tailor-made for fans of YouTube poop and those spastic, colorful things Japan seems to like so much. However, most of them seem quick to dislike the Problem Solverz as well.

But, as with everything they’ve contracted, CN has stuck it out for the duration of the 11-episode first season and even continues to do so now with a second season (running on Thursday nights instead of its hallowed Monday night slot). Commercials for the show are less frequent now, though it’s still better advertised than the ill-fated Robotomy that came before it.

So why continue to air a series that garners so much hate? A few theories…first of all, probably most importantly: low budget. Since Problem Solverz is made entirely in that cheapest of animation mediums (Flash), animation is incredibly cheap and quick to produce. This leaves extra room in the show’s budget for special guest voice-overs (George Takei, Mark Hamill, Jaleel White, Vincent Martella to name a few), advertisement spots, and even a small panel at Comic-Con. The low budget may also be helping to cushion the blow CN sustained from wasting money on CN Live a few years back. Spending less on new material to fill in the empty spaces was a smart move for the company.

Another plus for Problem Solverz is its quick turn around time in production. Normally, one episode of an animated show takes (roughly) 9 months from conception in the writing room to storyboarding to animation to voice acting to music and foley mix down to cleanup to post-production to airing. With Problem Solverz, most of that can be done in a matter of a few weeks. This ensures that new episodes arrive on time, and that any cultural references (or even meta-references among the hatedom – yes, these exist) aren’t already 9 months old by the time they hit the air. The in-jokes are fresher, longer.

Finally, perhaps the most optimistic theory: CN has been doing everything they can to experiment with new shows, and new types of shows. While sometimes similar in content, all of CN’s latest ventures employ a slightly different method to their collective madness. Where Adventure Time brings childhood fantasy and heroics, Regular Show brings 20-something humor that younger crowds can still laugh at. MAD provides the pop culture parody, where Gumball combines different film styles (2D animation, live-action, CGI, puppetry and MORE) for its presentation. Problem Solverz takes the “Flash videos on the Internet in the early aughts” combined with a sort of “urban pothead” approach. This experimentation thing (whether successful or not) may be the key to and the driving force of Cartoon Network’s revival as the go-to network for animation.

Bottom line? Few people like the new show The Problem Solverz, but it does serve a few unique purposes for the still-evolving, ever-revolving, problem-solving Cartoon Network. It certainly doesn’t appear to be going anywhere for a little while, neither in terms of dropping off the network or gaining many new followers. Only time will tell if it becomes another odd footnote in CN’s long-running saga of short-lived cartoons or if it goes down in the Animation Book of World Records as the statistically most hated cartoon on broadcast television.

Either way, you can always change the channel on Thursday night. Problem Solved!

Originally posted on Thursday, September 1, 2011.

Episode 8: The Cohesion that Vanishes Into the Twilight

After being told by Sunohara that more and more people are forgetting Fuko, Tomoya is having an introvert moment before Nagisa and Fuko snap him out of it by confirming that the wedding will be next Sunday. So yay, everything’s happy for almost five seconds.

We proceed to get more footage of Fuko trying to hand out starfish. However, people are just ignoring this little green girl and her promise of graven idols. After telling us what we just saw a second ago, Nagisa also begins to wonder why people are treating Fuko like she isn’t there. Tomoya’s reluctant to tell the two the bitter truth that she’s probably dead, because lies are kawaii. A wild Tomoyo appears, and it turns out that she can’t remember the starfish she got. Wait, how do people forget physical objects? It’s not like the starfish are ectoplasmic.

In the midst of sitting outside, the three worry about how they can hand out all the starfish in time. Nagisa tries to console Fuko, who orgasms upon the mere touch. And we just had random yuri a few episodes ago. How many actual lesbians think that Nagisa’s hot?

After happy time is over, Fuko confuses Tomoya for a paedophile and cowers to the back of Nagisa. When being told that he’s the perpetrator behind those pranks all those episodes ago, Fuko decides to call Tomoya the “mini-worst”, the mini’s because she doesn’t want to be too hard on Tomoya. Tomoya deceives Fuko to replace “mini” with “I am the”, tricking Fuko again with this preschool mischief.

Glasses girl walks around, and they notice that she can’t remember getting a starfish or seeing Fuko either. Seriously, why can’t Fuko run into her or something to see if she’s really a ghost? Stop moping about what’s happening and do something about it. But of course, the characters decide to do the least opportune action and just cry about it.

Honestly, how is this supposed to make sense? It’s not like if someone normally dies, we automatically lose our memories of them. Jun Maeda, why do you not explain your magic rules instead of using a trope right out of Quesada’s rulebook?

At the Furukawa’s, everyone’s making starfish even though we just saw them having more a bag full of these forsaken objects. Instead of trying to do something like write down Fuko’s name and stuff so they can remember her, Nagisa cries at how her parents are having a good time with Fuko. And since this show keeps excelling in repetitive hijinks, Mr. Furukawa becomes manic, starts yelling nonsensically, and proceeds to stab himself in the foot. Nagisa helps a customer, and then cries again over how they might one day forget Fuko. Personally, I’d consider that a blessing, but we all have our weak moments. Don’t we?

Tomoya goes to the dorm, and sees Sagara attacking a bunch of guys for being picky about food. After getting frustrated, our humble protagonist just tells her to hit them more so they can be quiet, because nothing says authoritative like a good half nelson. Warped morals, everyone! He then hands her a starfish, and proceeds to Sunohara’s room. After laughing at a sports manga, Sunohara seriouses the fuck up and talks about how he skipped some of his non-existent classes in order to do research on Fuko. Dear blondie deduces that Fuko is Fuko Ibuki purely on the basis that she’s handing out invitations for Ms. Ibuki’s wedding. By this logic, he decides that this Fuko is an imposter because Fuko Ibuki is at the hospital. Because really, it’s rare enough for one pair of parents to be so spiteful as to name their kid “Fuko”. It’s downright unbelievable for two pairs to commit such a travesty towards their offspring!

Sunohara wants to go to the hospital to verify her appearance, but Tomoya refuses for him to do it, because he assumes that he’ll automatically forget Fuko. Uh… where is the evidence that such an event will happen? And it’s not like Sunohara’s been a close friend to our little green-haired girl throughout this show, so it wouldn’t be a big loss if he forgot her. Why the Hell has Sunohara become the rational one in this episode?

The morning after, even the paedophiles have forgotten Fuko. Wait, then how would they explain all that starfish merchandise they made? Sunohara stumbles by, and automatically proves Tomoya’s theory right and forgets the reason for why he was going to the hospital. Argh. The three try to get him to remember, but the bitch and the doormat quickly derail the situation. It turns out Kyou and Ryou are also confused about the starfishes, no matter how much Tomoya tries to poorly explain it to them.

Why aren’t they noticing that Nagisa’s holding something in her arms?

Tomoya makes the resounding conclusion that the forgetfulness started with those who didn’t know her well, and shall soon spread to those who loved her. Nagisa also makes a genius deduction about how one she’ll forget Fuko, she won’t be friends with her anymore! Because how can you have a friend you don’t remember? It’s quite logical and precise, there must be laws written about it!

And here! The show has given you horrible people a brief taste of lesbian loli bathtime. Enjoy it, you bastards!

Fuko keeps failing to give people starfish. Why can’t you just throw at them and see if they notice? But of course, that’s not the Clannad way. Sunohara comes back, and starts getting non-existent-cock-blocked by Tomoya when he starts uttering Fuko’s name. However, he doesn’t know why. This show isn’t being consistent on which people are remembering things, damn it.

So Sunohara can see the starfish once it touches his hands. Are the starfish invisible until people touch it? What?

Realizing that Fuko’s only been wearing one set of clothes for this entire arc, they decide to buy her something. Not being able to find proper clothing, they buy her a party hat.

Tomoya complains on how Fuko still doesn’t like him, which she denies by saying, “I like you better than a sea slug.” Wow. You’ve managed to make even Osaka have better taste than you. Getting depressed over how he’s between sea slugs and starfish, Tomoya visualizes himself in salsa clothes, because that’s what all upstanding Japanese students wish they could wear.

Nagisa calls him a warm person, leading him to leave because he can’t admit his goddamn feelings in this show. Then, they walk by a fountain and smile at it like toddlers. The end.

Oh, there’s a few minutes left to show some more angst. Goddamn it.

They go back to the bakery, where Mr. Furukawa takes a baseball bat and does his best Captain Falcon impression. And sadly (or thankfully), even he doesn’t remember Fuko. Mrs. Furukawa comes by, only to look the wrong way and start crying. Also, it turns out, nobody fell for Fuko’s charade and immediately found out that she was an Ibuki. Yeah, if you haven’t been noticing, our three main characters are dumbasses like that.

She can manage to touch Fuko even though she can’t see her, so why can’t they do it for anybody else? But instead of actually doing something, they just cry again. And after all that, they go to school because Fuko has nowhere else to go, the end… the hell kind of cliffhanger is that?

Originally posted on Wednesday, August 31, 2011.

Last Thursday, the Nicktoons turned 20. We had a plan to celebrate this and everything, but our series seemed to have fell through. But the interest was still there, and after watching the Nostalgia Critic’s Top 11 B:TAS Episodes list, I decided to take a crack at something different myself. I picked eleven memorable episodes from eleven memorable Nicktoons and put them up in this list. There’s no ranking here, and each show is put here in broadcast order. I also decided to only go with episodes that fill up a half-hour. No multi-parters or 11-minute shorts or anything.

I hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed putting everything together.

Doug- “Doug’s Christmas Story”

Who doesn’t remember this classic? Even in the Disney version’s Christmas episode, Skeeter and his family can be caught watching it together.

While ice-skating, Porkchop save Bebe Bluff from slipping in thin ice, but bruises her leg in the process. This “outburst” alerts her rich daddy, causing Porkchop to go to the highest security room in the local kennel while he awaits his possible trial. Now all Doug wants for Christmas is for his dog to be out safe, and tires to save him in the process.

While it’s never directly mentioned that Porkchop would be put to sleep, there’s still a lot of tension as Doug attempts to get the city of Bluffington to save his dog. While it’s a little light in humor, the heart and relatable peril make up for that. And let’s be honest- Doug was never really a laugh riot to begin with. There are some good jokes here, though, like Doug and Judy’s plan to give their dad a more satisfactory 9 iron.

Doug is about a down-to-earth kid facing issues we can relate to at his age, and handles them with his warped imagination and perplexing actions. Out of all the episodes of the series, this one tends to get a response from audiences more than most, and it really is one of the show’s best moments.

Rugrats– “Mother’s Day”

One of the specials made before the show’s first post-revival season started off, this episode of Nick’s flagship show of the 90’s had it all. Some really funny moments and the show at its most heart-wrenching. This episode is hard not to like, even if you’re not a fan of the show.

The babies discover what mother’s Day is when Angelica tells them, and they try to find gifts for their mommies. Except for Chuckie, who doesn’t have one. The babies try to make up for that, and find him a new mommy, with disastrous results. Meanwhile, Chaz tries to hide his collection of remains from Chuckie’s mother, hoping that he doesn’t find it and start to miss her.

This episode is special for two reasons, the one that most people remember being the discovery of Chuckie’s mother. While we never learn exactly how she dies (we’re told that she was in the hospital, long enough to write some journal entries no less, but that’s it), we finally get to see what she looks like, discover what she was like, and get an idea of what her relationship with Chuckie and Chaz was like before passing on.

The other factor that isn’t as well acknowledged is when Angelica takes on being Chuckie’s mother. Charlotte’s neglectful treatment towards her daughter is apparent when Angelica tries becoming a mommy and almost completely disregards Chuckie. While I doubt Charlotte is as cruel as Angelica can be to the babies in this episode, but the seems are there early on in the episode, and everything starts to be put in place near the end when Angelica cries when giving her mom her inadequate Mother’s Day gift. One of the few times we see Angelica as vulnerable as she is here.

A little sappy, yes, but Rugrats could occasionally pull off sappy moments like this, and the movies aside, you’d be hard-pressed to find it pull off more touching moments like the whole of this episode after it’s release. This is possibly the show at it’s best.

The Ren & Stimpy Show– “Sven Hoek”

Jesus. This episode. Just…

Ren get tired of Stimpy’s inanity (no, I didn’t mean to say insanity), and invites his “intellectual” cousin Sven over to their house. The only problem? Ren hasn’t seen Sven in years, and is shocked to find him to be a big, fat goofball like his best friend. Sven and Stimpy connect, and make jackasses of themselves. At the end, Ren is not happy. Not. One. Bit.

This contains the show at it’s sickest, it’s most vile, it’s most disturbing. “Sven Hoek” is a test of endurance for viewers to see how much they can handle. Plenty of gross-out jokes made throughout, some going beyond funny and being just plain nasty. Hell, the dumbbell’s favorite game is called “Don’t Whiz on the Electric Fence”, and guess what Ren does at the end.

Speaking of the ending, Ren gives a speech that borderlines on horrifying. If you can, find the unedited version of it, since Nickelodeon cut out a section of it that adds to the whole thing. All I’ll say is that Ren could use some TP at that point, and you might feel uncomfortable at this point of the episode. But it’s worth watching for John K’s performance as Ren. His voice is pitch perfect, and the animation is sharply detailed during his breakthrough. Spumco at their finest.

“Sven Hoek” is not for everyone, but hell, neither is Ren & Stimpy. This is one of the show’s defining moments, even if Nick won’t allow it to broadcast anymore.

Rocko’s Modern Life– “Wacky Delly”

Best episode ever? Or best episode ever?

It seems like everybody’s had their say on this episode, so I’ll keep it a little brief. Cartoonist Ralph Bighead, son of Ed and Bev, finishes his animated series, The Fatheads, and is required to pitch another pilot to the studio before he can retire to focus on actual art. Uninterested, he hears a crack from Rocko, Heffer, and Filbert, and has the three friends work on his pilot, hoping they’ll make the worst cartoon ever. Somehow, their series, Wacky Delly, becomes a huge hit, and Ralph is intent on destroying it before it’s too late.

This episode is a brilliant parody of the animation industry, hitting a little close to home (Ralph is voiced by show creator Joe Murray, and many believe that the rise and fall of Wacky Delly is comparable to neighboring Nickelodeon hit Ren & Stimpy). It’s an insanely clever half hour of television that pulls no punches and has tons of little gags that make up for a great experience (a half hour broadcast of just a jar of mayonnaise? Grody).

But we all know why we love this episode so much. And say it with me. “I am the cheese…”

AAAHH!!! Real Monsters– “The Switching Hour”

The best episode of the show has got to be the first. “The Switching Hour” is a clever half hour that introduces the characters well and has some very sharp moments.

On Halloween, all the monsters are hoping to head out into the human world and scare some kids, but after noticing his student’s incompetence, the Gromble punishes his monsters by staying home this year. Ickis, Oblina, and Krumm decide to head out anyway, and wreck havoc. All goes well, until Ickis runs into a kid with a costume that looks identical to his body, and the two get swapped- the kid goes into the monster world, while Ickis goes to school in his “Halloween costume”.

Overall, this is a pretty funny episode. Real Monsters wasn’t one of the best, all things considered, but the four main characters are each likable, the monsters’ misconceptions of the human world are cute, and the ending is rewarding. Before you knock the show, at least check this one out.

Hey Arnold!– “Helga on the Couch”

Some of Hey Arnold’s best moments, surprisingly, don’t involve much of Arnold at all. When you get down to it, he isn’t that interesting of a character. Arnold is kind of there to make the rest of the supporting cast react. And nowhere is that more prevalent in Helga G. Patacki. Her character arc on the show is arguably the most important, even outshining Arnold himself.

In “Helga on the Couch”, the school’s new therapist decides to check into Mr. Simmons’ class for the day. Out of all the nutjobs in the classroom, the one she attracts herself to the most is the girl throwing spitballs at the boy with the football shaped head. She suggests that Helga takes therapy sessions, much to her family’s dismay.

Helga herself is reluctant to take this mandatory request, and at first, she turns the tables, asking the doctor questions about her child. Before long, Helga delves into as many of her issues that the 20 minute episode span can handle, including her family troubles, confusing emotions, and above all, Arnold. The reason Helga loves the title character so much is explained here, and while I’d rather not spoil the episode, I think you might see not only Helga’s character, but the show itself, in another light when you watch it.

There are some really depressing moments in this episode, some even shocking, considering that this is a kids show. Few other episodes of any series in this demographic are as emotionally involving or complex as “Helga on the Couch”. It features all the best qualities of Hey Arnold! in one episode, making it the essential episode of the series.

The Angry Beavers– “The Day the World Got Really Screwed Up”

In this Halloween classic, the Beavers find the house of their favorite B-movie actor, Oxnard Montalvo, and attempt to crash it. Unfortunately, what they don’t realize is that soon, Norbert and Daggett are bond to face every B-movie cliché in the book, as all of Montalvo’s films come to life tonight.

This episode is a lot of fun, especially for fans of campy sci-fi films from the 1950’s and 60’s. Nothing is sacred, and tons of good lines are spouted (“Another moment and it would’ve been… later”), while Norb and Dag’s eclectic chemistry is present as they attempt to save the day. The atmosphere also adds to the enjoyment, since it fits the story perfectly, and makes for good laughs.

A very clever episode from a clever, wacky Nicktoon at its peak. Just tons of fun to watch.

As Told By Ginger– “And She Was Gone”

While a fair amount of the time, Ginger was a melodramatic bore, the show had it’s moments of effective serious sequences, a big heart, and clever writing. Of the later Klasky-Csupo shows (The Wild Thornberrys, Rocket Power, later Rugrats/All Grown Up), it was easily the most tolerable.

Episodes like “And She Was Gone” are why. In this one, Ginger writes a poem to enter in a contest. While Ginger has proven her writing skills previously on the show, her teacher thinks that there’s more subtext to the poem, and recommends that she speaks to the school therapist. After this heads out, the school goes through a depressive state, and Ginger tries to prove that she doesn’t relate to this poem and that everyone needs to get off her case. Doing this helps Ginger find out things about herself that she wasn’t able to consider before.

Meanwhile, Carl and Hoodsey wish away a random student, and when she actually disappears, Carl starts to realize that she might be the one for him. Two emotionally harsh and depressing stories for the price of one.

Overall, As Told by Ginger wasn’t a great show. It had good characters (Courtney in particular is a highlight, like in the picture I chose for this episode), funny moments, and could handle relatable issues well. But what held it back was that it played everything too safe, making it seem like just about every other superficial show about kids in middle school released around this time, and a lot of Carl and Hoodsey’s subplots don’t click with the main stories. Not to mention that the designs, like every other Klasky-Csupo show, were hard to look at.

This is one of the episodes where everything falls into place, and does so well. If more episodes of the show were like this, it would have been a lot better.

Invader Zim– “Gaz, Taster of Pork”

Gaz is the best character in Invader Zim. A minority opinion, sure, but hear me out. Gaz’s apathy towards both Zim and Dib’s bullshit is how most viewers should watch the show, hating both and craving a snack. Her love for junk food, video games, cartoons, and all other good bad stuff reflects the general fanbase of the show. Better than Gir at least, who borderlines on annoying a fair amount of the time.

This is one of the few episodes about her, and is a fine one at that. In it, Dib experiments with his spell drives, and decides to try one of them on his sister in her sleep. When Gaz wakes up, she discovers that everything she eats tastes like pork, which comes to the attention of the media. Dib and Gaz’s father, Professor Membrane, keeps her shelter while doing research, as she’s now considered to be the Pork Girl. During all of this, Dib tries to find a way to save his sister’s sense of taste, and goes through hell to do it.

This is a rare episode with little of Zim or Gir, and it works. Dib is probably the weakest character in the show, but he’s fine here, and Gaz has typically sharp lines. The episode as whole is strange and very dark, like any good Invader Zim story, but with a sense of urgency and heart missing in most others, giving it an edge over the rest.

The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius– “Stranded”

One thing I’ve always liked about Jimmy Neutron was Jimmy and Cindy’s relationship. They both egg on each other frequently, but there’s some obvious sparks there, and the longer the show went on, the further their feelings and attitude towards each other developed. Now, normally I’m not one to ship elementary school kids together in a kids show, but their flings are familiar to how kids their age interact with their crushes, and makes for some entertaining scenes.

“Stranded” puts the two in a deserted island together, where they have no choice but to stop their bickering for a short period of time and help each other out. While it takes them both a little to adapt, Jimmy and Cindy really get to enjoy each other’s company, and make for some cute moments. Meanwhile, Carl, Sheen, and Libby also get stranded on Jimmy’s hover boat, without gas, as they try to save their friends, and make for good comic relief.

A cute episode for a cute, somewhat overlooked show. I find Jimmy Neutron to hold up better now that I’m watching it without Nickelodeon over airing it, and it’s a fun, if imperfect show. This is among the best stuff from it.

Avatar: The Last Airbender– “Zuko Alone”

Book 2 is easily the most solid arc in Avatar. The first has a rocky start, while the third has a little too much filler to forgive the highlights of the season. As for the second, while the premiere was weak and there were cases of filler throughout, it held an engaging story throughout, full of just about everything.

My personal favorite part is “Zuko Alone”, which delves into the past of the Fire Prince. Here, we see his life before gaining that painful scar and his eventual banishment from his nation, and get a chance to meet his loving mother and see what he and Azula were like as kids. Final verdict? They weren’t so different back then as they are at this point in the show’s run. We also see how neglectful and downright evil Ozai can be, and a hint or two towards the location of Zuko’s mother.

In the present time, Zuko heads into a part of the Earth Kingdom that resembles the Avatar equivalent of a John Ford setting. Zuko finds a family to spend shelter in, and when raiders come to distrupt the peace of the village, the firebender uses his will to make sure that doesn’t happen. He also loses the respect of the villagers he found in the beginning, and heads off into his quest to regain the respect of his father.

With none of the Gaang to hold him back, Zuko holds his own for a half hour, and proves to be an endearing lead with and without his tragic side taking over his personality. This is the series at its best, being both unbelievable and human at the same time, intense and calm, strong and sensible. You couldn’t ask for any more of the series.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! There’s more!

SpongeBob SquarePants– “Pre-Hibernation Week”/“Life of Crime”

Since most of SpongeBob’s episodes exceeding eleven minutes aren’t all that great (and most of the half-hour episodes are just regular-length episodes overblown with Patchy the Pirate sequences), I decided to make a special slot for it to name two of the best episodes. Both of which aired in the same half-hour.

The former has the Sponge want to give Sandy a fun time before she heads off for hibernation, which leads to a day of extreme extremeness, nearly killing him in the process. This causes SpongeBob to hide from Sandy, making her go into a panic trying to find him.

Some of the games SpongeBob and Sandy play are so out there, that they’re hysterical (find the hay in the needle stack?), and there are good lines between the two. As well as Patrick, who has a memorable ending scene. But the real highlight of the episode is Pantera. Yes, that Pantera. Look for their contribution in this episode. Won’t be that hard to hear out.

The second short involves SpongeBob and Patrick try to get their hands on a balloon, the “wrong” way. After popping their broken balloon, the two go into hiding and try to do the right thing by the end.

This one is just out there. Spongebob and Patrick’s chemistry is present as well as ever, and some of their dialogue and expressions are great. And this one also contains a memorable ending.

Like this list? Hate this list? Feel free to tell us, and share some of your other choices!

Originally posted on Wednesday, August 17, 2011.

Episode 1 – All my Classmates are Female

Believe it or not, we actually kick things off on a bit of a flying start. Literally. Cut to scenic, sunset-splashed ocean setting, where several peeps in airborne robot suits (a guy, buncha girls, and some unidentifiable person hiding behind a tinted visor) are duking it out in what appears to be the BATTLE OF THE CENTURY. Or something. I’m given the vibe that visor-guy appears to be the antagonist, while the other kids are our fearless heroes, defending the Earth from all of his and/or her acts of vile villainy. Or maybe not; this sequence never truly elaborates who exactly these characters are, so we just assume visor-guy is bad (why else would everyone be trying to hand him his lunch?). Punches are thrown, beams are shot… none of it really goes anywhere, although the kids appear to be losing. In one final act of desperation, the one blue-haired guy makes a head-on charge at visor-guy in a blind rage, screaming “NO MORE ESCAPING THIS TIIIIIME!!!”. As punches connect, a blinding flash of light fills the screen… and then we cut to the title screen, whereby the first, last, and only remotely interesting sequence of Episode 1 draws to a close. In a definite “WHAT THE FUCK” moment, we’re left wondering just what exactly was supposed to happen here. The conclusion to this Clash of Titans will unfortunately have to wait another day, I’m afraid. And thus begins, Infinite Stratos.

Robots! Lasers! GIRLS!!!!! BOOBS!!!!! AWWWWWWWWWW YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAH….no.

Welcome to Fantasy Japan, circa-2011; a pristine landscape dotted with spiralesque buildings and other architectural feats not even remotely possible in real Japan. It doesn’t take long until we pan to a school, where our male protagonist (it’s that guy from the intro fight! See! He is good!) is sweating it out over the fact that he’s sitting in a classroom FILLED WITH GURLZ. *gasp* This must obviously be a clerical error, right? WRONG! We’ll get to the schematics on why he’s here later, but for now, our focus turns to the classrooms green-haired, big-boobed teacher, Maya Yamada… who, for whatever reason, randomly shrieks and stammers without provocation several times right off the hop (probably because there’s a BOY *double gasp* sitting amongst them in their frilly classroom of ultimate girliness). Classroom intros soon commence, whereby we now know the name of this strapping young lad that our series will revolve around; Ichika Orimura, aka THE ONLY MAN IN THE WORLD WHO CAN… no, wait, we haven’t gotten to that part yet. Sorryz.

Poor son of a bitch.

Ichika’s “introduction speech” doesn’t go over too well, and a prototypical anime pratfall blankets the class. As he ponders what went wrong, he’s given a swift and painful punch to the head. Only family could be capable of such a blow, and as it turns out, BIG SISTA CHIFUYU is on the scene. What is she doing here, Ichika wonders? Much to his shock and awe, the Chif be runnin’ this here classroom. That’s riiiiiiiiiight; she’s the teacher! A brother and sister, student-to-teacher combination! Turns out, Yamada and her breasts were only there fill in until Chief Chifuyu arrived. Oh lawd, what ARE we in for next? How about a painfully annoying scene where practically every girl in the class swoons and literally froths at the mouth over the mere IDEA that THE Chifuyu Orimura will be TEACHING THEIR CLASS?!?! That sound good? “Lady Chifuyu, scold us more!” “Cuss us out!” “Drive our asses with a cattleprod!” Okay, perhaps I exaggerate just a tad… but you get the idea.

Six minutes into this thing, and I’m already sick of it. And heck, this is the just the boring, state-mandated introductory episode. I’ve still got 11 more of these things to go, let alone 20 more minutes of this crappy episode. Crap; why did I agree to do this again? Is there an out-clause in my contract, by chance?

…anyway, Chifuyu (who DEMANDS to be called “Miss Orimura”) is quite the stern taskmaster, especially when it comes to her bro. Slamming his head on the desk and further asserting her position of dominance, she begins to lay this course on the line for everyone, as the basic plotlines begin to fall into place. The girls (and Ichika) are attending this school to learn how to pilot an IS robot, which are those things the kids were flying around in during the opening battle sequence. In a flashback/quasi-history lesson, we learn that people smacking each other silly in these things is apparently considered an Olympic sport in this universe, and Chifsie here was once one of the best in the world at kicking ass and taking names. Then, for reasons not further touched upon, she suddenly retires OUT OF NOWHERE, and is now teaching a group of wide-eyed teenagers to kick ass in their flying robot suits with the best of ’em. Or so I take it.

Another boring history lesson on the IS suit ensues; they were originally designed for space travel, it didn’t work out, now they beat each other senseless in them as a form of “sport”, yada yada yada… you’re not missing much. Oh, and uh, yeah; apparently, only FEMALES can use these here flyin’ robot suits. Thaaaaaaaaaat explains why the classroom is only filled with stoopid girls… or does it? Why is Ichika here? He’s not a girl, silly! It’s quite simple, really; you’re looking at the one and only male IN THE WORLD who can pilot an IS suit. I know, I know; it sounds much more exciting than it truly is. Boy, if only the rest of us possessed this quote unquote “talent”.

Following an incredibly boring (been using that term way too much already) scene where Ichika and his long-lost childhood friend, Houki Shinonono, engage in awkward and mundane conversation, we cut back to class, where Ich is struggling to comprehend the lesson at hand. This is, of course, hilarious in the sense that the kid apparently knows how to fully pilot and operate an IS suit, yet he’s totally clueless on the textbook lesson plan… which basically explains how to operate said suit. Cue laugh track. I dunno, I’m just thinking they wanted another excuse for his sister to bop him again (which, she does, because he’s such an idiot), thereby adding to the lulz count. Comedy is at a premium here, so physical violence (in a “comical” sense) is the best you get.

Now things get interesting; I use that very loosely, of course. It’s a recess break, and some blonde chick approaches Ichika at his desk. Immediately, she has a problem with his “greeting”, and the shades of her character are already as overt as the sky is blue. Cecilia Alcott’s her name, and being a total stuck-up bitch is her game. She’s a Brit, and apparently, is the rough equivalent of a Pokemon Master at using an IS. This begs an obvious, and largely unanswered question; if she’s such an *expert* and *elite* at using these things, why is she in a school for beginners? Oops. Sorry to break it to you, Mr. Owl, but the world may never know.

That face says it all…

If you ever decide to watch this, you’ll learn to hate Cecilia almost immediately. She sucks. Following a few bitching sequences on her behalf, and a couple more atypical anime pratfalls brought on by Ichika’s lack of basic knowledge, we learn some more stuff; apparently, they have these things called “Elite Contenders” in the IS world, which are gifted folk chosen by their respective countries to represent their homeland in IS competitions. Yep, you guessed it; Cecilia happens to be one of these elites, which is a point she drives home more than enough for the average viewer, let alone the roadside boulders, to get the gist of. She’s really full of herself, and is already becoming more than enough of a miserable bitch to make me wanna tune out. If only.

The day’s just about over as Ichika trods to the boarding hall, complete with his creepy stalker harem fanclub in tow (did I mention? He’s something of a minor celebrity among most of these girls, on account of the whole “only male who can operate an IS” thing he’s got going for him). As he begins to settle into his new abode, a shocking reality begins to set in; his roommate IS A GURL. *triple gasp* Not only that, but this particular girl just so happens to his old… ahem, friend, Houki Shinonono. Yes, that one. For these two apparently being childhood buds, they sure don’t show it here. Houki (who HATES to be called by her first name) goes postal at this point, and literally attempts to kill Ichika with a wooden sword. Several times, as a matter of fact. The girl has a hairpin temper, and she’s set off by the most insignificant things you can think of, ranging from Ichika speaking to her in a casual manner, to him accidentally picking up her bra with and making a bunch of dumb comments about it. Ok, so maybe I can see why a girl wouldn’t like THAT. She calls him a perv a couple of times, and that’s about the end of it. She’s still mad the next day, in what I assume will be one of many recurring themes in this show (along with guns, lasers, robots, bitchy British chicks, and lotz and lotz of BOOBS).

Too bad that didn’t kill me.

Thank GOD, it’s the last scene. Finally, this 25-minute endurance test through the doldrums of mediocrity is winding down. We’re back in school, and Miss Orimura announces that a class representative must be chosen. Naturally, everyone nominates Ichika, much to his dismay. As he begins to plead his case against the decisions made by his nutso fanclub, a familiar voice stands in to voice her disapproval. Yep, you know where this is going; Cecilia Alcott is BACK, and unlike every other girl in the class, she is NOT an Ichika fan. As she tears down not only Ich for being a stoopid boy, but the country of Japan as a whole, it’s time for someone to step in… and who else but Ich? They trade barbs briefly, before Cecilia becomes so incensed that she challenges him to a duel. This next bit of dialogue seems to imply that, because of the invention of the IS suit, women are now stronger than men and therefore superior, and if the two genders should ever go to war one day the women would eradicate the men in mere days, thanks to their fancy flying robot suits. Or something to that effect. By this point in the episode, I wasn’t paying a whole lot of attention anymore; just praying that it’d finally end. Miss Orimura enthusiastically agrees to let the battle commence next Monday, and off we go. The credits roll, the party’s over, and the curtain falls. And I’m simply left wondering what it was I just watched, and why it sucked so much.

God, what an absolutely boring show if there ever was one. I know it’s just the introductory episode and all (which tend to be boring in the case of most TV series anyway), but man… I still have to watch ELEVEN more of these? I cannot possibly imagine this going uphill from here. The plot of the series, and overall emphasis on teenage boobs, is already creepy enough… and by all accounts (from what I read), the borderline hentai nature of Episode 1 is basically ratcheted up to 20 during the next few installments. Why, Animation Revelation? WHYYYYYYYYYY must you do this to MEEEEEEEEEE? You are TEARING ME APAR… okay, so maybe it wasn’t THAT bad, but you get the idea. It still sucked, don’t kid yourself.

NEXT TIME, ON INFINITE STRATOS!!! Bitchy British girl and the WORLDS ONLY CERTIFIED MALE PILOT OF ROBOT-MECHA BADASSERY take to the skies in an all-out war of robots, lasers, boobs… ah, you get the idea. The fun times are sure to keep ‘a rollin, so stay tuned!

Originally posted on Sunday, August 14, 2011.

Again, sorry for the delay, and this time, I only have two entries to share. But first, go read.

Mickey’s Amateurs (1937)

Eh, more or less a colorized remake of “Orphan’s Benefit”. Not much to say here. Some different events, same scenario.

Mickey Plays Papa (1934)

Now this one is a little more fun. It stars off with Mickey reading Pluto a spooky bedtime story (because who doesn’t do that with their dogs, right?), when a curious stranger comes to Mickey’s door and leaves behind a baby mouse. The baby’s cry spooks the two, and has them come out to find the baby and entertain him. Mickey tries a few gags, including a cute Chaplin impression to please the baby, but it’s Pluto that grabs its attention.

The animation and atmosphere in this short is phenomenal. The cartoon starts off with a spooky opening, done in neatly inked animation, and leads up to a series of well-timed gags and silly expressions. Pluto especially gets some vibrant work in his pleas, overall making for a fun experience.

Originally posted on Friday, August 12, 2011.

Yeah… it’s one of those episodes.

Episode 7: Star-Shaped Plot Tumors

Previously on Clannad, Tomoya and Nagisa find out that Ms. Ibuki can neither see nor hear Fuko. The show doesn’t really explain why, so it just expects us to roll with it and bawl at how they can’t share their true feelings with each other now. Yeah, call me a soulless monster for not feeling it, but I need logic before I can get the slightest bit involved in drama. Even if it’s magic, it still has to make sense. Unless you’re a sugar-crazed five-year-old with a liking for cops cutting heads off, there is no excuse for such a blatant exploitation of melodrama here.

After the opening, Ms. Ibuki remarks about the rumours that Fuko is out and about at the high school. But because she can’t comprehend the magic of friendship, our stick in the mud notes how it’s impossible for her to be hanging out at school since she’s been at the hospital all this time. Then we get this lovely piece of dialogue.

“Even if only in her dreams, I’m glad if she’s surrounded by lots of friends. Good friends. Close friends. If she can only dream, then I hope she is always with her friends. If she were ever to wake up and then come back to this school, will the two of you make a solemn vow to me that you will be the very best friends?”

Why does it feel like I’ve stumbled upon scrapped Téa dialogue for Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series? Littlekuriboh, is there something you aren’t telling us?

After hearing comments from Tomoya that any normal person would regard as creepy, Ms. Ibuki just tells the two to keep Fuko company even though she just doubted that they ever actually talked to her. She wants it one way, but it’s the other way.

Tomoya and Nagisa both say that she should just marry instead of angst over her sister, because Fuko wants her to. Instead of giving Tomoya an introduction to Mr. Mace, Ms. Ibuki just kind of mutters about not wanting her happiness to take away her involvement with her sister.

With redundancy time is done, Fuko plays with Kyou’s Swinub and invites it to the wedding, which leads to the question: How the fuck can a Pokemon see this girl if her own sister can’t?

Tomoya and Nagisa then angst about how Ms. Ibuki can’t see Fuko, with the red one crying and blaming herself for some odd reason. And as showcased for the last three episodes, we get more scenes of Fuko handing out starfish while our main two keep contemplating over shit.

And since the show can’t be boorish enough, Tomoya and Fuko decide to invite Kotomi to the wedding. In the middle of being handed a starfish, Kotomi begins to list out scientific names and brief characteristics because no one in this show can have natural dialogue.

Barefoot, shy girl with encyclopedic knowledge? There’s a fetish for that.

After making an off-hand comment about how the two are awkward, Tomoya has to go on a tongue twister’s face-off with Fuko. Our protagonist starts off with, “Kris Kringle carefully crunched on multicolored crimson candy canes while climbing the catacombs,” while Fuko just makes incoherent dog noises. What an abhorrent abomination that knows no bounds in bombarding my brain with belligerent, blighted boneheads. Sunohara pops up since you can’t have a tedious scene without him on board, only to get attacked by a horde of Fuko’s paedophiles. At least it wasn’t another from visit from DEM LEGS, but that’s like saying getting mauled in the face by monkeys is better than getting shot in both kneecaps.

Tomoya and Nagisa once again talk to Ms. Ibuki about her marriage with Future Tomoya. Because of nostalgia, she wants to have the wedding at the school surrounded by all her students.

Crap, I suddenly got a flashback to a Little Bill episode with the plot like that, except it was straightforward and made sense.

Oh wait, this is a Clannad recap. Got to get in focus.

Furashubaaku time begins as Ms. Ibuki remembers a vacation where she and Fuko were at a beach. She remembers how Fuko didn’t talk to any other girls her age, and instead committed bad touch upon starfish. Instead of doing the normal thing and introducing her to people, she gave her the cold shoulder in the hopes that Fuko would take the hint and find someone else to annoy (and admittedly, it worked, kind of).

But of course, she got into an accident after the entrance ceremony, because tragedy and little sisters go together like salarymen and hookers.

Then after being asked why these two are so obsessed with trying to help her sister, Tomoya tries to justify it by saying how he and Nagisa are as awkward as she is. Because each one of us is

A brain,

An athlete,

A basket case who also happens to be a brain,

A princess,

And a criminal, right, Tomoya?

Then there’s even more scenes of Fuko handing starfish, with Tomoya contradicting himself by saying she’s not awkward at all.

At yet another empty classroom, they have a meeting with Sunohara about the wedding and stuff. The only reason he’s there is because he believes there’s a love triangle in this show, sad bastard. When in fact, he’s so out of the loop that he thinks Fuko is handing out shuriken—or in his words, “Shoreeken”—as wedding invitations

After being told that very few people know what these things are, Fuko concocts a plan to make a school announcement about how they’re all starfish. And with all these set to motion, she plans to start a cult with these aquatic creatures as their messiah. How far until she’ll give all the members Kool-Aid to drink?

Nagisa proposes that they hand out dangos as invitations, on the basis that they’re cute. And oh Christ, she ends up having a fight with Fuko about whether or not the dango is cuter than the starfish. But being Clannad, they quickly decide that both are the cutest and resolve their difference like so.

Fuko proceeds to orgasm again, with Tomoya taking advantage of the situation yet again by making her poke and pummel at Sunohara’s face.

Commence titles and a knock-off of the 20th Century Fox fanfare, as Tomoya has mastered “Swapping the Sculpture in Hand.” Having accomplished all this, he has finally become the “Fuko Master”, which is slightly more dignified than being Game Master, a bit less than being BeastMaster, and no way can you compare it to being Pokemon Master.

Deciding that they need to talk someone about the wedding, Tomoya and Nagisa go to Hitler for help. Having known Ms. Ibuki since presumably escaping Germany, Hitler reminisces on how friendly they were to each other. But being over a century old and out of his culture, he confuses which Ibuki he’s talking about and admits that’s he rather forgetful. He even confuses Tomoya for the future one when being told that his friend is getting married.

But having honed his abilities of foresight after losing the Second World War, he correctly predicts that they want to set the wedding at the school and quickly decides to make it so.

A bit sad that he didn’t go into a senile stupor and talk about how Rory punched him in the face once, but I digress.

They tell the good news to Ms. Ibuki, and she replies with how Fuko’s coma has gotten worse. Then they cry again, because the director thinks that we’re babies that will mimic what we see.

Back at the dorm, Sunohara makes note on how a crowd of students didn’t so much as notice Fuko trying to hand out starfish to them. You’d think he’d try to get Fuko to walk in their way or touch them to see if they really can’t feel her, but drama forbids it. Oh, and people are forgetting the mere fact that they even have starfishes. Shouldn’t dying make Fuko’s ghost more visible to everybody? But I suppose since there’s absolutely no evidence of how afterlife logic works, the writers can just make up shit for the sake of it. Next, they’re going to make believe that robots and little girls from another dimension can turn back time and save people from dying. But they really can’t be stupid enough to do something like that, can they?

Well that was abrupt. Goodnight, everybody!

Originally posted on Friday, August 12, 2011.

Episode 6 – The Older and Younger Sister’s Plot Contrivance

It’s morning, and Tomoya has been introduced to the sight of Mrs. Furukawa’s star bread. Lined up on all the rows of the bakery, Nagisa’s mom takes an abnormal pride in how she “designed every single one of them, from cream-filled to jam-filled.” After Tomoya bemoans her for concocting such a horrid idea, she falls into a Degrassi moment and complains that her husband said the same thing. Unlike the previous bouts with Baking Blue Screen of Death, she quickly gets back to her feet and asks Tomoya to try one. He doesn’t want any, which makes her go into another Degrassi moment and how she can’t do it alone with the husband. And then Tomoya remarks how quick she was to perceive such.

The matriarch drags herself away in time for Nagisa and Fuko to enter scene. Apparently, Mrs. Furukawa just missed a phone call that Fuko recalls as, “He was breathing heavily and laughing a lot and then he kept saying ’I love you, I love you’ over and over.” And then he screamed once he realized whom he was talking to.

The Creed of Furukawa: Be hot, be naughty, and be courteous.

Fuko cums again, which Tomoya realizes is trigged by the starfish. He then makes an odd hypothesis about how Fuko might never recover, and will become stuck in a future where she will become the herald of a Berserkesque universe surrounded by porn music and badly drawn ghosts.

Tell me why, tell me why, tell me what you want?
I don’t know why; don’t know why, why I watch this show.

And of course, Nagisa gets mesmerized and wants Tomoya to tell more about it. He ignores her and shoves a juice box up Fuko’s nose again to interrupt her orgasm. Despite this, she still manages to fulfill the poorly worded euphemism department with “And my throat is all wet for some reason.”

Tomoya finds success in how he has mastered “Shooting Juice Up the Nose!” Next, he shall accomplish the arduous task of mastering “Putting Hat on the Head!” as well as “Walking With Daughter In Snow!”

At school, we are given more scenes of Fuko trying and failing to hand out starfish to random kids. While this hasn’t drawn the attention of normal people, it has done a fine job luring the paedophiles in. Three guys jump in and mutter about how they’re going to start a “Fuko Fan Club” because of how touched they are at seeing a little girl giving out stuff without explaining what they’re for. Fuko quite obviously doesn’t want to be even near them. Then they run away after confusing Tomoya for Fuko’s brother, which just seems insulting to say the least.

The three decide to concoct a plan to distribute as many starfish as possible by taking advantage of the upcoming Founder’s Festival. But fuck productivity, because Sunohara quickly joins the gang with the desire to help. However, Fuko doesn’t want him because he’s weird by special girl standards. In order to prove his worth, Sunohara decides to go into a carving contest with Fuko. The one to carve a Nue—a Japanese chimera—first wins. Fuko misinterprets it as having the “tail of a bitch” so you’d assume she’ll give it purple hair. Nagisa, making Fuko seem like a MENSA member, asks if she could go see a Nue at the Zoo. It’s times like these that I feel Tomoya’s pain.

As the competition ends, Fuko turns out to have carved a frog. Drowning in his pride, Sunohara tactlessly cuts himself and renders her the winner. Yeah, wasn’t this school supposed to have the most kids graduate and go to college?

With arts & crafts time over, Nagisa finally decides that the Founder’s Festival is the best time that Ms. Ibuki should meet Fuko. And you couldn’t do it before, why?

She also jokes about how they’ve essentially become Fuko’s parents, only to blush again because nobody can admit their goddamn feelings in this show.

The two then stumble upon Future Tomoya and find out that he’s Ms. Ibuki’s fiancé. After telling him the plan, Future Tomoya decides that this might be something that will “lift her little spirits”. However, Ms. Ibuki is having doubts since she quit teaching there. But after being told Fuko’s around, she decides to go and make Nagisa sob like a stillborn again.

Next day, they find Fuko asleep and surrounded by starfish. As Tomoya gives her a piggyback ride to school, Mr. Furukawa scoffs at his weakness by saying, “Quit your bellyaching kid! If you were any kind of real man, you should be able to juggle a girl or two without a sweat.” I think I may have found a character I like in this show.

As they walk to school, Tomoya moans about how Fuko always has her guard up when in front of normal people, but Nagisa scolds him again and says that they should treasure Fuko and how she’ll reunite with her sister. Fuko soon wakes up and talks about how she had a wet dream that involved playing with Tomoya at a beach.

They go to an auditorium and say that Fuko should be there, who then gives Nagisa a starfish despite how she probably already has one.

After that, the three find the paedophiles again who are selling starfish merchandise in the hopes of helping Fuko’s cause, which causes her to cum again. It seems that the orgasm was so long that when she snaps out of it, she’s in a maid’s outfit along with Kyou and Ryou. And because this is a school festival, you can never have too many underage maids, right?! When being told that she can offer people starfish with notice, she blurts out, “ARE YOU SHORT OF STARFISH?!” This somehow gives Tomoya an award for mastering “Leaving Her At A Different Place!”

Soon after waiting on tables, Fuko has become well known throughout the school for reasons unknown to any sane viewer. Nagisa then proclaims that she wants drama club members with just as much dedication as Fuko, which just feels kind of sad if you ask me.

Nagisa and Tomoya get a brief visit from Sunohara, who tries to admit his feelings for the former. But just as a second goes by, they ignore him. I would say he’s getting cock-blocked, but that would imply there was an actual cock to block.

Sunohara starts wandering around in search of poontang, only to come across a bear that roundhouse kicks him through a window. The bear takes off its head to reveal Tomoyo, who has decided to become a furry in order to achieve anonymity. She also accepts Fuko’s starfish on the basis that it’s hand-made, contrasting that which wants its hands all over DEM LEGS.

Fuko goes, “She’s a very kind person.” in an attempt to create an illusion that she’s more than just a punch line to poorly-executed comedy relief. Nagisa then remembers about Sunohara, but Tomoya just shrugs it off.

The girl from the entrance ceremony—the one who looks like Tashigi from One Piece—also appears and decides to not be a bitch for once by accepting the wedding invitation. Yay for bipolarity!

After a round of montages, the three finally decide to confront Ms. Ibuki. However, drama occurs when they realize that she can only see the two of them… wait, why can’t she see Fuko? Everyone else could interact with her just fine. If even a trio of toddler-lovers can see Fuko clear as day, I don’t see why her bleeding sister can’t. Just because it’s supernatural doesn’t mean you can’t explain why they can’t meet. This is fucking bullshit, I can’t believe that this–*cuts*

Editor: Sorry for the rant there. As soon as we get the kinks out of our recap slave, we’ll be able to present to you the next wholesome installment of Kicking Clannad In the Nads! Be seeing you…

Originally posted on Monday, August 1, 2011.

Episode 5: The Scenery With No One to Care About

Last time on Clannad, it was revealed that Fuko’s the centerpiece for the show’s first arc. More specifically, she’s the comatose little sister to a character we only saw once so far.

Now put that fistful of sleeping pills away, for the worst has yet to some.

After putting two and two together, Tomoya starts playing Scully and remarks on how mental it is for a ghost to be living in the school. More practical situations start running through his mouth; like how it might just be a girl who believes she’s Ms. Ibuki’s sister. But this is Clannad, so rationality plays no hand in this world.

The two decide to meet the woman in question, who Tomoya recognizes as the “really pretty” girl that he gave bread to a couple episodes ago. Then, Ms. Ibuki wonders if the two are a couple, which Nagisa denies like Hell. And after being told that Tomoya’s single, she starts:

And she goes:

Then she moes the fuck up.

Argh, how the relationship teases ache.

With blush hour over, Nagisa congratulates Ms. Ibuki about the wedding soon after. But the fact is, Ms. Ibuki never told anyone besides her dear sister Fuko. And Fuko’s comatose. You know? That her dear sister’s in a coma? Right? You got that? Because just in case you didn’t hear it the first time, she ends up repeating the same thing ad nauseum.

And she goes on about how her sister’s color looks better, because green hair and jaundice eyes are definitely signs of optimum health. However, her sister’s condition makes her question whether or not she should get married.

What? There’s being selfless and there’s being thickheaded. It’s not like your husband’s going to go, “BITCH, I REFUSE TO GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO SEE SISTER. NOW GO MAKE ME DINNER OR I PUNCH YOU IN FACE!”

After Ms. Ibuki leaves, Nagisa angsts about how she didn’t have the heart to tell her that Fuko’s at school. Tomoya asks her why the fuck not, to which she replies, “But I feel like it’s not something you should say out loud without regard for someone’s feelings.” Then she cries about how Fuko and her precious stars. Tomoya then wonders why they aren’t going ahead with the drama club, but Nagisa moans about how helping Fuko has become the top priority.

Hey, Nagisa. Fuck you and your feelings. Just have Fuko and Ms. Ibuki meet, cue heartfelt moment between sisters, and go on to your drama club. Don’t start up some bloody plot thread about helping Fuko find her path in life when it’s standing right in front of you. But what am I talking about? Something ridiculously absurd and convenient for drama’s sake would probably happen to stop the two from meeting anyway.

Anyway, the two take Fuko to the Furukawa’s. Fuko takes an alias to make sure they don’t know she’s related to the Ibuki’s. And of course, Mrs. Furukawa almost immediately asks what her last name is. But as time have proved over and over again, Fuko is slower than an amputee tortoise and decides to take the last name of the family next door, “Isogai”. Tomoya pulls the “ZOMG EET’S A COINCIDENCE!” card, and everything goes perfectly well. Because bringing home the asocial girl with a knife is always the right thing to do.

After that, Tomoya goes to the dorm and finds a horde of guys running out. The landlady, Misae Sagara, complains about how the guys keep being peeping toms. Then, Sunohara pops in. And before he can say anything, Sagara beats the fuck out of him.

So yeah, a blue-haired, abusive woman named Sagara? Goddamn it, KyoAni. Stop reminding me of shows I should be watching instead of this.

After Sunohara reminds us that he’s a blight upon the male gender, Tomoya tells him that they have to take care of Fuko. Not being there for most of the previous bouts with her, Sunohara reasonably yells, “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!” So I guess he’s seemingly gained tact after that beating. Good for him.

At the Furukawa’s, Tomoya finds the entire family carving wooden stars with Fuko, to the detriment of actually keeping shop. Afterward, they leave after being remembering they have lives. Tomoya is in awe of how many stars there are, remarking on how the floor resembles the night sky. However, Fuko corrects him by saying that they’re starfish.

Then Nagisa gushes about how cute they are.

*insert your own paraphrasing of a certain Dover Boys quote here*

At school, Fuko’s out giving starfish to people without any reminder of what they’re for. Tomoya asks her why she isn’t seeing her sister yet, to which she utters, “I… I really would like to, but I don’t know if my voice will reach her.” In short, she’s shy and giving out starfish is her cry for help.

After staring at a wall for the last ten minutes, I resumed the episode just as the three go to the library and meet Droopy. Fuko gives her a starfish, and she just kind of has this “…uh” reaction to it.

Then Droopy gets told that it’s for a wedding invitation, and she tells Fuko to do her best. Tomoya notes how she has a very high tolerance level for these kinds of things. Is this show actually confirming my belief that she’s stoned all the time?

At the hall, Fuko starts antagonizing Tomoya about how he’s the natural enemy. After Nagisa scolds him for no reason whatsoever, Fuko creams herself again. Tomoya decides to take advantage of Fuko’s orgasm and uses Ryou to pretend that he’s become a girl. So when Fuko finishes cumming herself, she finds our friendly neighborhood doormat standing in front of her, who says that she’s Okazaki after being given the Jusenkyo treatment. Despite giving the worst delivery possible, Fuko believes it, because she’s retar—special. She’s very special. She’s almost as special as a headless chicken.

Then she gets scared that she “might just turn a futa or something.” You are childish enough to make starfish and hand them out to people, yet you know what a futa is? ARGH!

Kyou comes in and tells Tomoya to fuck off from her sister. Upon seeing Kyou, Ryou, and Tomoya together, Fuko comes to the conclusion that there are 3 Okazakis. And to hammer it further, a title appears, saying that Tomoya mastered the ability of “Switching the Person You’re Talking To”!

God, I’d rather re-watch A Serbian Film or The Human Centipede than this. At least those were funny.

Kyou and Ryou subsequently get starfishes, and then Fuko essentially makes them perform glamour shots without a camera. Nagisa waxes lyrical about how they’re so beautiful, only for Tomoya to note that they’re a gorilla and hamster on the inside. Kyou quickly throws a star in his face for being a cunt, and quickly defends its usage to Fuko as being “object of great offensive power.” She quickly goes “A flying starfish… IT’S POSSIBLE!”

Thank God, that’s over. Now Fuko starts walking down the halls and meets a girl she talked to at the school entrance ceremony. She hands a starfish to her, but is rejected because exams supersede all sappy affairs.

Feeling crushed, Fuko laments how she never actually went to a class. Wait, why hasn’t a teacher kicked you out yet for excessive truancy and general incompetence? And where the hell are any of the teachers? Are you seriously telling me that this girl has been wandering through the school without at least one adult going, “The hell are you doing here? Go to class or get your ass out.”

But being Clannad, this lapse in logic isn’t even touched upon. And instead, the gang decides to arrange a faux-class for Fuko to have. As always, they find an empty classroom, and get Mrs. Furukawa since any actual teachers have been swallowed up by the cracks in time. They could’ve gotten Ms. Ibuki, but drama has forbidden it.

And during roll call, we get this example of a dub being too faithful.

“My name is Youhei Sunohara. Sunohara is written with a ‘spring’ and a ‘field’.”

Yeah, Sentai Filmworks, you know some of the audience watching this probably won’t know what that’s supposed to mean? Couldn’t you have him say something like “Sunohara is Japanese for ‘spring field”? Not only would that make more sense to casual fans, but it would also be a nod to another of Greg Ayres’ roles, thereby satisfying the more meticulous dub fans.

But no, you insist on the viewers to find out what the kanji used for Sunohara is in order to understand what he’s talking about.

Kyou immediately calls Sunohara an idiot, though Mrs. Furukawa consoles him by saying “It’s his energy. It covers his idiocy.”

Nagisa soon whines about how the boys aren’t taking a make-believe class seriously. But after being asked to be class leader for her anal-retentiveness, she instead picks Fuko to do it. And to open the rounds, she states, “My name is Fuko Isogai, and I like starfish.” It’s sounds as dumb as you think it is.

Mrs. Furukawa then gives her the bedroom eyes and talks about how everybody should get along. And before the finger-painting can begin, Fuko’s first actions as class leader are to make everybody bow and stand up.

Between that, there’s a random shot of Hitler sitting at a table outside the school. Yeah, I know. Just go with it.

As Fuko is writing on the chalkboard, Tomoya muses to himself about how “she’s a little different, but she still seems like an ordinary girl.”

My good sir, I bring about the question as to what your view of an ordinary girl is!

To close it off, the only relative positive thing I can say about this episode was that the soundtrack was good, though unfitting. Otherwise, I need to refill my anti-depressants. Hope you like the next entry! I know I won’t.

Originally posted on Tuesday, July 26, 2011.

Hokay, episode two… you can do this.

So the episode starts with the baddies’ lair—one with some kind of mechanical implants, while the other slightly more human (though still rather Afro Samurai-esque in design).

Back with the X-Men, the gang is riding in the blackbird, while Beast explains to the rest his concept of having created a portable Cerebro. Wait… portable… cerebro. Alright, so you’re telling me that the mutant-locating device that requires not just a capable psychic but also (apparently) a whole sector of a room in a frikkin’ mansion to use has been reduced to being used by a blue furry feet-for-hands mutant. Even if I did accept that, the fact that it looks like a Nook just pisses me off for some reason. And the reason for Beast even making such a thing in the first place? Eh, something about double checking whether or not there are really mutants in Japan or not—I was already lacking the attention span to read the subs all the way.

So once the X-Men land and meet up with the parents of the abducted mutant, they essentially plot dump everything: stuff about over 20 mutant disappearances, but the normal humans not really caring either way to report all of them. It should also be noted that the parents apparently own quite the bit of land, since they invite the X-Men to their estate filled with the works… cuz y’know, that’s totally how ordinary Japanese families function an’ stuff. Though I guess the family’s affluence makes sense since they were able to call on the damn X-Men to help solve this case.

It’s suggested that the U-Men—mad scientists out to exploit mutant powers for the sake of their own power—are the root of the cause (such a jump to conclusions is a lot more believable than the portable Cerebro) and the odd couple of Wolverine and Cyclops travel to town to further investigate. They question a local shop-owner, who talks of one of the younger workers having gone missing. Though, also being quite the anti-mutant, he starts going off on this rant about “muties” and all that… until he notices Cyclops clenching his fist. The man was comfortable enough to smack-talk mutants and yet was sensitive enough to realize that he struck a nerve solely based on Cyclops clenching his fist? These humans… I tell ya.

Investigating the area of the disappearances (Wolverine and Cyclops via motorcycles, Beast and Storm via truck), both parties are suddenly attacked by the same Afro Samurai robots that attacked the girl the previous episode. Now, I wouldn’t have that big of a problem with these hordes of robots if they didn’t have the same variation as a third-party SNES game.

Not only do we have robots whose camera tech was too good to be installed directly into its eyes or anywhere else convenient (it looks like they have to eject part of their head to get a clear shot… here’s to hoping it’s at least Canon quality), but we also have:

…robots on motorcycles

… and robots with lightsabers.

I get that in other things like Star Wars, there are “pre-boss” types of baddies like droids with a variety of weaponry (riding “insert random space vehicle,” wielding a laser gun, uh… wielding a different laser gun) but to see it here… I dunno, it just seemed wrong to me. And to make matters worse, the X-Men actually have a hard time fending them off. It isn’t until Wolverine tells Cyclops to get his head in the game that the tables even start to turn.

Following the battle, Beast reports to Professor X back at the Institute, telling him of their suspicions of the U-Men’s involvement. The professor merely suggests confirmation of the U-Men’s involvement, mentioning how the U-Men hunt down mutants for the use of their organs. Alright, so not only are we dealing with potential pedo-bears, but they’re also black market… but for themselves, so I guess black self-market? I dunno. U-Men.

The gang eventually finds an abandoned hospital, remember what they’ve read on TVTropes and figured the bad guys must be close by. It’s not too long before they run into their next obstacle: a hideously deformed test subject, begging for his pain to stop. He then bulks up a la Batman’s Bane and attacks. While the others gladly engage, Cyclops takes a closer look and realizes that the monster is actually the kidnapped boy the local shop-owner was talking about… solely based on the earring he was wearing. Okay, I can accept reaching that conclusion based on his full-on outfit, but by his earring? Let’s just assume that Cyclops has some kind of other mutation that’s too mundane to even talk about and move on.

Cyclops insists that they save this helpless victim, but Beast uses his tech to analyze the boy’s condition, concluding that his body has been warped beyond any help. Hearing this, Cyclops finally eye-beams the kid to death, finishing the fight instantly. So I get that Cyclops’ eye-beams are powerful, but the extent that this series uses them as an equalizer in fights is just ridiculous… and it’s only been two episodes. Whatever. In classic anime style, the boy is just alive enough to give the X-Men a dying wish to save the others that have been kidnapped. It would honestly be pretty moving if I hadn’t seen it done to death a million times prior.

Being so scarred from having killed a helpless boy, Cyclops again decides to hinder the plot from progressing, the others more than likely holding in their annoyance… well, except for Wolverine, who straightup punches the guy. He follows up his hit with a little pep talk, talking about how the leader of the X-Men must put his feelings aside for the sake of his team and the mission at hand before offering his own literal hand to literally get him back up when he’s down. Two things: 1) Wolverine being the voice of encouragement to someone that isn’t Rogue just feels wrong, and 2) I have no idea why someone else take on the title of leader, since ol’ Cy is clearly too emotionally unstable for such a strenuous job.

Ugh… anyway, they continue onward throughout the building (without a killer robot in sight… or anything else for that matter. 12 episode series, don’cha know.) until they reach a number of vessels—the first they find containing the kidnapped girl Hisako, and the other containing the well-endowed Emma Frost.

Two episodes in, and I’ve already spotted more Afro Samurai comparisons than I care for… and not enough of the Samuel L. Jackson variety. Geez… why am I watching this, again?

Originally posted on Monday, July 25, 2011.

When it was announced that Madhouse and Marvel were buddying up to make a line of Marvel anime, I’m sure I wasn’t the only one filled with fanboy glee. In particular, I was pumped about the Iron Man and X-Men anime. One episode into the series, however, and I was automatically turned off by Iron Man. Though I guess considering the other possibility of a show showing promise only to fail later in the game, Iron Man came out on top.

Such is the problem I had with the X-Men anime, starting off with the typical elements of an X-Men series only for me to start losing interest halfway through.

The series starts with an epic fight between the X-Men and one of their own—the psychic Jean Grey apparently having lost control of her powers and burning a conveniently barren wasteland-ish type of area. While members Beast, Storm and Wolverine are doing their best to fend off her attacks, boyfriend Cyclops is having a particularly difficult time accepting the fact that his lady-friend has just gone bat-shit insane.

Now, I’m not the biggest of X-Men fans, but I do know that it is a universal constant that Scott “Cyclops” Summers is one of the least likeable characters in the franchise, coming off as an uncooperative little punk due to one thing or another. Such remains true for this version of the series.

Unhindered by the sudden god-mode of his gf, Scott blindly throws himself into the fray-iest of fray, getting as close as possible to Jean to try and talk some sense into her. Pretty admirable if it was anyone else… but it’s not, so I was kinda glad when the mind-controlled Jean flicks him aside like a particularly difficult booger.

One year passes since the battle with the now deceased Jean and it looks like the X-Men have had a falling out… again. Okay, such a plot trait has been used in so many other series (the latest TMNT movie, Wolverine and the X-Men) that seeing it again with the X-Men, as sensible of an idea as it seems, just comes off as rather trite. So, the school’s been disbanded with headmaster Charles Xavier having nightmares about crying orphans and one particular child whose mind he cannot read. Y’know, typical Charles Xavier stuff.

The other X-Men are also out and about living their separate lives: Wolverine off traveling, Storm on a relaxing boat ride (with exception to pirates), and Beast teaching students alongside a talking squid… it’s actually cooler than it sounds. The only person seeming to hate all this sudden down-time is Scott, who’s apparently still moping around the battle area where Jean died. Now, while I completely understand where Scott is coming from, coming from the perspective of the viewer, Scott is being a complete and total hindrance to the plot, simply refusing to get over himself and get on with his life. He’s very much like the one kid in your carpool that always forgets to use the bathroom like the inconsiderate ass he is.

Exact details as to what happened to the students of the Xavier Institute completely thrown aside, the episode continues with Charles summoning the rest on a mission of a missing child. With some insistence from Storm, who plays the “it’s what Jean would have wanted” card that Scott finally realizes that the series apparently can’t just leave him be, finally joining the others. The mission: apparently the entirety of Japan is cut off from Charles’ mutant detecting device, Cerebro. Rather than assuming that Japan just happens to be a mutant-free zone and calling it a day, Charles assumes some shenanigans must be up that are blocking Cerebro in that particular region of the world. Matters are only worsened when an acquaintance (read: “not friend”) in Japan has had his daughter kidnapped by robot-design rejects from Afro Samurai.

Being such the good person he is, Charles sends out his X-Men to Japan to get to the bottom of things.

A pretty good episode in general that shows some promise for the remaining 11 episodes in its run. So what could have gone wrong? Well, that’s what I’m forcing myself to try and find out these next couple days. Hopefully my eyes won’t pop out due to excessive rolling from anything an uncooperative Scott does in later episodes. Heaven forbid I be unable to finish watching.

Originally posted on Thursday, July 21, 2011.