Animation Revelation's Animation Blog

Episode 4: Let’s Find a Better Show.

After getting called in by the announcer, Nagisa is told that since drama club is on hiatus, all activities involving it are forbidden, and that includes the simple act of putting up posters. Tomoya attacks an inanimate object with his fist again and asks her why she was such a doormat, with which she says, “Rules are rules, and they can’t be bent.” After a few seconds of angst, the two decide to go “screw it, we’re gonna go build our own drama club.” Fifty bucks says it won’t have blackjack or hookers.

And just a few feet away from them, the fool’s pariah stares menacingly.

At Sunohara’s place, Tomoya decides to seduce blondie into the drama club with the promise of pastries. The morning after, round 4 begins as Sunohara asks Tomoyo for her breasts due to some stupid “fake breast” joke he uses to see whether or not she’s got a bigger schlong than him.

To everyone’s surprise, Tomoyo does indeed pull two fake breasts out of her shirt, as her voice suddenly deepens and the two boys slowly discover a bulge on the supposed lass’s skirt. Sunohara starts going through an existential crisis over how he’s been beaten again and again by a drag queen, while Tomoya starts narrating on how his sexuality has become questioned by this… Oh, whom am I kidding? She beats the fuck out of him. End scene.

And this time, it appears that Sunohara actually got injuries this time. Though it’s only bandages, when that amount of kicks should have sent our dear pansy straight into the hospital. Of course, that probably would’ve led to a sappy plot about Tomoya learning how not to take his friends for granted or some sugary shit like that. Sunohara or crappy coma subplot? Quite the Catch-22 there.

Green-haired girl appears and calls for Tomoya’s—or in her own words, “Weird guy’s”—help. She also calls Sunohara “Double weird guy” since his hair is an impossible color, and because blondness is such an alien concept in Japan. Yet green hair is fine and dandy there.

Outside, right by a giant water fountain—because this school is prestigious enough to have that while simultaneously undemanding enough to have empty classrooms—green-haired girl talks to Tomoya about all the stars she’s been making. Apparently, these things are supposed to be invitations to her sister’s wedding. And she wants our protagonist’s help in spreading them throughout the school. Tomoya shrugs it off, giving the reasonable explanation that he doesn’t know a fuck about Fuko (despite the fact that he just blurts out her name even though she never actually said it on-screen) and he could care less about giving out invitations.

Then Fuko creams herself out of nowhere. Yeah.

Tomoya decides to put a juice box straw up her nose, and ends up getting pissed that she didn’t drink any. Uh, Tomoya, if you’re going to poison her while she least suspects it, pull out a fucking syringe instead of using a supposed juice box. Gimmicks are long over, man. It’s the practical toxin that counts.

Wait, you weren’t trying to kill her? Oh, well.

Tomoya decides to ask Tomoyo if she wants to go the wedding. Her response basically amounts to “Uh, no.” Then she kicks Sunohara. Sunohara gets up and tries to bring her into the boy’s room, which leads to him flying out the window. Tomoyo gets a fit about all these Sunohara moments, until being told by Tomoya that blondie thinks she’s a he. She angsts over how people consider her a bully instead of a girl, which frankly doesn’t show at all because she only has two facial expressions.

After that, Tomoya talks to Nagisa while she eats a sponge or something. Seriously, her mouth is smaller than that bite. What? Does she nibble at it like a hamster?

As the two ponder about how to get people join the drama club, Sunohara pops in. Why does this episode have more footage of a pussy than most hentai? It’s not like Sunohara’s an integral part of the story arc.

His first proposition is “BEAT ‘EM UP!” But prudes write this show, so that quickly gets thrown out.

As he grows bored that nothing’s happening, Tomoya starts imagining the show as an RPG, which he laments as making things too simple. What in Azathoth’s name is simpler than trying to start up a goddamn club?

So the three decide to stalk Kyou and Ryou as they play with their Swinub. Not wanting an ensuing bitch fit, they pick Ryou and ask her to help out in getting the club going. They meet up at the roof of the school, since instead of just talking at an empty classroom, they have to adhere to the rules set up by Torchwood and Batman and talk on a roof to amplify the bravado or whatever film term I’m supposed to use.

Ryou gets startled at the fact that a girl is talking to her. For no reason other then to titillate our viewers at home, bait and switch Yuri happens. Crappy, upbeat porn music starts playing while Nagisa and Ryou hold hands, with roses covering the backgrounds. What’s weird is that Ryou actually seems to want it.

After realizing that there’s no Yuri and it’s just the two talking about the club, Kyou barges in and gets pissed at how her sister’s been ridiculed. She grabs both Tomoya and Sunohara into a chokehold, and then yells out something that sounds like she’s shitting her panties, which isn’t helped by the random Swinub going “Poo-ee!”

At yet another vacant classroom, the five get together to formally talk about starting the drama club. Kyou wonders why exactly these two guys are being friends with Nagisa, being one of the few moments where the feeling’s mutual. She then asks Tomoya whether or not he’s planning to make Nagisa go down on him. But since the show needs to tell us about the rules when it comes to starting up this extracurricular embolism, this quickly gets interrupted by Ryou explaining how a club needs at least 3 members and an advisor. Kyou notices how they already have the required amount, until Sunohara and Tomoya moan that they aren’t into theatrics.

The day after, Sunohara decides that he likes getting kicked in the dick and tries to woo Tomoyo into going out with him. He takes some pick-up lines from Tomoya, and they result in another visit from DEM LEGS. It turns out that the damage was so grievous that they had to blur out his face. Of course, this show can’t kill anyone off unless the rule of melodrama says so, so none if this will affect either him or the show at large.

Taking advantage of the aftermath, Tomoya tries to goad Tomoyo into getting into the drama club with the promise of “feminine clothes”. But she’s busy with the elections for student council chairman, which Tomoya mutters to himself a few times like a lobotomy patient.

Then he goes to the library and finds Kotomi reading books while satisfying the foot fetish demographic. It takes at least several tries to get her to listen to him, to which she replies, “…huh?” after realizing there’s somebody next to her. Then we get this exchange:

“You can call me Kotomi-chan.”
“At least let me drop the ‘chan’ will ya?”

Oh cool, Sentai Filmworks learned its lesson. But later after a failed invitation and some waddling…

“Tomoya… kun.”

I said that too early, didn’t I?

Tomoya and Nagisa sit out again while lamenting on how nobody wants to go to drama club. They decide the best answer is to get the sophomores to join. And since they only know one sophomore, they go to Fuko.

Fuko quickly refuses, going on about how she makes stars all the time, even from morning to night. After a few questions, the two find out that she never goes home. She just sits there making stars, ever since getting hit by a car. Another question leads them to find out that Fuko’s the sister of Nagisa’s teacher, who Nagisa knows to be going to the hospital all the time to see a relative. And with that talk of the ghost from a couple episodes ago… Fuck. This is our first arc of the show?

Moral of the episode: Cars are the natural menace to all cherished family members. Don’t want your little sister out in the open, when she could be inside making sammiches and offering some sweet imouto love, do ya?

But seriously, I’m going to need entire stadiums filled with Jack and Morgan for the looming moe.

Originally posted on Tuesday, July 19, 2011.

Sorry this is so late, but between the list and things going on in my life, I haven’t had the time to update this series. Here’s my monthly set.

 

Hawaiian Holiday (1937)

This actually showed up twice in my calendar this month, and it’s one of the few cartoons so far that I have a clear memory of watching as a child. Numerous times, in fact. I distinctly remember going to one of the hotels at the Walt Disney World resort, and having them play this cartoon on a big-screen TV. That was a good time.

The story of the cartoon is pretty basic, since it just lives u p to the title. Mickey and the gang chill out in Hawaii, in typical cartoony fashion. Goofy tries to surf, but fails miserably. Mickey tries to play the ukulele, but gets his fingers stuck, while the rest of the gang find their own antics.

Overall, it’s a cute cartoon. Nothing too special, but there are some classic music cues and a few gags worth writing home about. I’ve seen this cartoon a lot of times in my life, and it’s still one of my favorites featuring Mickey and his pals. And the ending is precious.

Orphan’s Benefit (1934)

In this short, Mickey runs a show for a local batch of orphans, which Donald attempts to steal for his own. This is what happens when you give him a standing ovation for reciting children’s poetry…

I think that this cartoon is fairly basic overall. Light on laughs and story, but makes up for that with great animation. The attention to visual wordplay is stunning, and Donald isn’t the only one to have some truly fluid stuff go on. All the other supporting characters in the cartoon, like Goofy and Clara Cluck, have their shining moments as well during their parts of the show. It’s just a shame that the rest of the cartoon is fairly forgettable.

Playful Pluto (1934)

Pluto lives up to the title of the cartoon in this one. After a bath, Pluto goes on a mini-rampage and ends up swallowing a lightbulb. Scared out of his life, he runs all around Mickey’s house.

The animation in this short is surprisingly rubbery. Disney has traditionally tried to have its cartoon characters stick to model, which makes how bouncy Pluto looks throughout seem surprising. That makes for some funny animation, however, which is a good thing. The rest of the cartoon is somewhat basic stuff, with Pluto being his playful pup self. There’s nothing wrong with that, and some good laughs are present, but it’s a tad hollow overall.

Originally posted on Wednesday, July 13, 2011.

NOTE: Apparently this article never appeared on the original WordPress. The order is a bit fucked up, but it’s back now!

Yeah, it’s that time again. Will it be better than last season? Well…

Dog Days

As a counter strike against an army led by a catgirl named Leonmichelle making its move, the republic of Biscotti must unleash their final trump card in order to stand a chance against this upcoming war. And as always, generic schoolboy #3262005 is up to take the sword. Just after spring vacation starts, our protagonist Shinku Izumi gets sent to this foreign land in order to help these… dogs fight off this oncoming storm, only to realize that this war might not be what it seems.

By my error, this first entry happens to be a kids’ show that wouldn’t be out of place on a Toonzai lineup. Still, it doesn’t excuse itself from looking like a mess. The characters start off so bland that you wouldn’t be able to tell them apart if they all had the same hair color. The voicing is odd, with Light, Takuto, Setsuna, Tamaki, Ling, Kidd, and Masaomi‘s actor playing the kid hero of the story. The world building is generic, with nothing to define itself other than chocobos and people with cat ears. The battles aren’t even actual battles, but sports matches with hosts commentating on everything. Honestly, there is utterly nothing that sets this show apart from other anime.

So yeah, unless this show pulls a Madoka, it’s nothing more than a bland shonen series. 4/10 – Dr. Insomniac

A Channel

A girl named Run, who’s so stupid that she almost fell out a window while saying hi to one of her friends, becomes the subject of lust for vertically challenged and not-safe-around-sharp-objects Tooru. Unfortunately, they’re a grade apart, so Tooru now fears that her crush will be taken by the time she can get to high school. There’s also these two girls named Nagi and Yuuko, but they contribute nothing to the show other than the odd fanservice joke, which is also pointless (unless, you know, you’re a paedophile).

At first, I thought this would be a knock-off of Lucky Star, with all of these moeblobs and random talk of food. But on closer examination, the characters are more reminiscent of Twilight. The level of retardation that Run has, from not being able to comprehend direction to almost getting killed while chasing a butterfly, is quite similar to Bella Swan. And Tooru has a certain stalkeresque quality akin to Edward, such as how acidic she gets toward anyone who’s interacting with Run. Doesn’t help that she saved the girl from an oncoming car.

So instead of resembling a lighthearted school comedy, it just comes off as creepy. Tooru acts like an obsessive lesbian who is probably a minute away from going Klebold & Harris on everybody. And it’s jarring in how it’s played for wholesome laughs instead of some kind of serious condition. Combined with bland character designs and pacing that makes Inuyasha fast by comparison, skip this. You’ll thank me later. 1/10 – Dr. Insomniac

Sekai-Ichi Hatsukoi

And since we always need some yaoi with our yuri, here’s some editor named Ritsu who gets transferred to the shojo industry. He gets introduced to the editor-in-chief and bitches about how he has to work on girl’s manga instead of proper literature. Turns out the EIC was his first fuck buddy back in high school (which doesn’t get mentioned yet, but is so obvious that cataract victims could see it). And because this is a yaoi, we’ll be treated to an entire season’s worth of the “I wanna fuck him, but I’m too much of a shy little bitch to say it” game.

Given how cliché this show gets when following the genre’s tropes, I may as well explain why yaoi sucks. They create a world where melodrama is king, all the men look the same, all the relationships are reduced to nothing but the archetypical dom-sub, and any character development whatsoever is reduced to a waiting game than anything else. And don’t take this as me being homophobic against media featuring gay characters. I thought David Fisher’s storyline in Six Feet Under was one of the most gripping. And for all of its faults, Torchwood did a well-done job with Captain Jack and Ianto. You know why? It’s because they treated these characters as people, not pretty-boy archetypes for fangirls to touch themselves over. In short, yaoi is essentially the Japanese equivalent of those trashy Harlequin romance novels, and this show does nothing to disprove it.

Also, seeing as it’s a DEEN production with the director of Higurashi and Umineko attached, you’re more than assured for some godawful art here. 1/10 – Dr. Insomniac

Steins;Gate

The miracles of science have finally given us a time machine. But instead of a phone box, it’s in the form of a microwave. And instead of letting one travel through time, it seemingly sends text messages from the future. Utilized by mad-scientist-to-be Rintaro Okabe, he gets thrown into a dilemma involving an agent’s corpse, people disappearing from the street, and a satellite crash right near him. What’s the cause to all of these incidents, and how will our protagonist fare against a threat that transcends time?

Despite a relatively decent first half that felt like Doctor Who meets The Dresden Files, everything after that just feels like a slog. All the characters do at this point is bicker at each other and offer exposition about the situation. Instead of having any sort of direction, the show’s quite intent on merely being mysterious for the sake of being mysterious. What’s the point of having a mystery if I don’t care about the people involved in it? Still, the atmosphere and characterization are enough to give it a watch. 6/10 – Dr. Insomniac

Health and Physical Education For 30-Year-Olds

I fail to see how this is supposed to educate anyone, since almost everything gets censored to death. So for the plot, guy named Hayao can’t get laid. Random sex god appears and offers him tips on how to fuck. Tips consist of squeezing fake breasts, vague directions about hygiene, and knowing not to use a blow-up doll. Then sex god proceeds to offer up his own ass in order to take Hayao’s virginity. Episode ends there.

…

I have finally found a show that temporarily reduced me into an infantile stupor. As I type these words, my eyes are welling up with tears at how awful this show is. No matter how many hours pass, the horror of the footage unleashed upon my essence still rings clear. I’ve got my fair share of skeletons in my closet, done things I could never forgive myself for, but did I really deserve to watch this? This is the kind of bad that comes once every millennium, the kind of awfulness that gives Tommy Wiseau and Uwe Boll comfort in knowing that they are a step above something, and the kind of abhorrence that the Great Old Ones foretold would cast blight upon our universe. I have given a name to all the entropy within our realm, and it is Health and Physical Education for 30-Year-Olds. 1/googolplex – Dr. Insomniac

Hana-Saku Iroha

Ohana Matsumae is a 16-year-old girl with absolutely nothing to look forward to in her life. So when her mom inexplicably elopes, she decides to head out to the countryside and work at her grandmother’s inn. However, it turns out that Ohana’s grandma is a bitch of the Olivia Mira Armstrong variety, who forces her granddaughter into working under threat of corporal punishment. Not only that, but she becomes a thorn on the side of another girl employed at the inn to the point where she utters death threats to our protagonist. So with all this, Ohana has a steep road to climb until she can find her place in the world.

So after making the surprisingly good Professor Layton movie and the hilariously bad Angel Beats, P.A. Works delivers a relatively decent series as their 10th anniversary project. Not being a fan of slice-of-life shows, it’s refreshing to find one that actually fuels itself on characterization than humdrum antics. The scenery’s quite vibrant, and the animation’s a step up in comparison to its contemporaries. But on the other hand, the characters start off as one-note, with the usual archetypes like the doormat housewife, or the bitch with an inner soft side making their marks throughout the episode. And the insert music feels so utterly shoehorned. All in all, it kind of feels almost Austenesque in the premise and execution. But being an uncultured slob who can’t read Austen or Bronte unless it has zombies in it, I probably won’t follow this show. Still, if the above sounds good to you, you’ll probably be in for a treat. 6/10 – Dr. Insomniac

Tiger & Bunny

A race of super-powered beings known as NEXT have taken up arms in order to fight crime, with accompanying merchandise and corporate sponsorship to boot. One of them, going by the alias of Wild Tiger, is down on his luck as he finds himself to be an accident-prone relic among a new generation of heroes. But as an offer suddenly unfolds unto his hands, Tiger must restart his escapades with a new suit and old partner in tow.

Despite my initial fear of it being basically Anime NASCAR, it turned out to be quite the opposite. The animation’s crisp, and the show has a very old-school style to it. The story’s kind of like a mix of Astro City and The Incredibles. And despite the use of product placement, it does a pretty good job cynically commenting on what it would be like if heroes were run on finances than actual ethic. Granted, the characters are kind of lame, the CG is jarring, the Engrish will get to you, and this probably won’t be a hit for anybody not into superheroes, but if you can tolerate all of the above, this might be a good show to follow. 7/10 – Dr. Insomniac

Oretachi ni Tsubasa wa Nai

We meet some kid named Takashi, who has some enigmatic plan to return to the sky because he’s an angel or whatever. And since he’s on Earth, he gets to have a younger sister, who of course, wants to fuck him, and of course, isn’t actually his blood sibling. But enough with him, because we focus on some guy named Shuusuke and his quest to get a girl at a party. Though that isn’t enough, since a stoic Sasuke knockoff named Kakeru is around doing absolutely nothing but telling people to die. No wait; there are also this couple of maids, one sweet and one a bitch. Oh, and we get introduced to some other characters, but who the fuck cares? You know you’re not watching for character development.

“From the creators of Shuffle” …yeah, that’s enough to destroy expectations. And suffice to say, it’s crap. Even among other harem anime, it’s crap. The censors are so thick you can barely see anything. Whatever unedited panty shots we get are so awkwardly done that you’re more likely to giggle at how stupid it was than go down for some alone time. And as the above picture suggests, a couple of girls in this harem are too fucking young. This show offers no sense of clarity or introduction, and instead shoves you into a crowd full of meaningless characters because even the director knows that tits and ass are the only things his show has got going for it.

So yeah, unless you are the kind of person who gets off to this kind of show (you know who you are), skip this. 1/10 – Dr. Insomniac

Dororon Enma-kun Meeramera

In a remake of a 70s series by Go Nagai, a demon named Enma, along with his talking hat, a Kappa, and an Ice Princess are off to save the world against fiends of the night. But since this is a Go Nagai series, we start off with a hot spring scene, followed by a quest to find some toilet paper, then a shower scene, then Enma checking out someone’s panties. It’s not until halfway through that actual plot develops. Oh, and there’s a face-stealing monster with a giant sword for a phallus. There’s also an old lady who swings around her breasts like nunchucks. Yeah, it’s that kind of show.

Well, it certainly isn’t ashamed of taking as many 70s tropes as it can get. I’ll give it that. The opening’s also pretty cool. But on the other hand, it means the show does nothing to freshen itself up, so the plot elements just feels old and overused a second after they’re even used. The jokes offer nothing that Panty & Stocking didn’t two seasons ago. The characters just feel bland and uninspired, feeling quite like Team Rocket or Doronjo’s gang than anything original. If you want a nostalgia fix, go for it. But for everyone else, leave and never turn back. 3/10 – Dr. Insomniac

Astarotte’s Toy

Princess Astarotte is a succubus-in-training who must acquire a male harem and consume their bodily fluids in order to survive. What sucks for her is that she hates men, so Astarotte decides that her needs will only be satisfied by a harem solely containing the mythical race known as humanity. Too bad that her teacher decides to open a dimensional rift via Yggdrasil and acquire a human for her. And with that, the show prepares for yet another season of the “Midget Bitch Is An Abusive Cunt Towards Men: Starring Rie Kugimiya” Adventures

So despite the initial description, this show’s actually boring as all hell. Instead of touching upon how stupid its premise is or even trying to relish in it, it takes itself so bleeding seriously by alluding to Norse mythology. Yeah, there’s the odd joke that makes your head turn sideways—such as the implication that Astarotte’s mom started sucking dick when she was 10—but they’re too few and far between to give this show any identity. If you wanted to watch this just to see how awful it is, don’t. It’s not going to offer any lulz or snark bait or rage of any sort. It’s just another Zero No Tsukaima. But alas, there are plenty of episodes left to see how retarded things will get for Astarotte. 2/10 – Dr. Insomniac

Hoshizora e Kakaru Hashi

Some kid named Kazuma and his little brother move to a new town, which takes half of the episode because of inane monkey antics. On the way, he stumbles upon a generic, squeaky-voiced, pink-haired girl who just happened to be collecting vegetables in the middle of the forest. Cue fanservice and panty shots. After falling over her, our protagonist gets kicked in the face by this show’s Kyou. Then he leaves, gets an unintentional relationship moment with his effeminate brother, and moves into an inn where he promptly gets made fun of for his limp dick. After a feast of cockteases and more skewed relationship moments that hint towards incest, Kazuma walks to school and talks about his parents’ job life to an orange-haired girl who—Fuck it, you know how it’s gonna go.

So yeah, unless you want to make a drinking game about how many eroge clichés you can spot, skip this. 1/10 – Dr. Insomniac

The World Kämpfer of Stigmata Only Knows II

1/10 – Dr. Insomniac

C: The Money of Soul and Possibility Control

The economy of Japan has now become a dog-eat-dog world, as our protagonist Kimimaro finds out when a jester offers him a chance to become a major entrepreneur. With over 500,000 suddenly at hand, he thinks that things might finally look up for him… until he gets dragged into the Financial District with the possibility of riches or certain death hanging over his head.

Being of noitaminA pedigree, the show feels a bit like Eden of the East in how young adults are given vast sums of money in exchange for their lives. However, the battle element hinted at toward the beginning implies that it’ll be going for a more juvenile route. The premise of people using familiars to fight each other for money just doesn’t sit well. That said, the plot layout and distinctive direction are interesting enough to keep on watching. 8/10 – Dr. Insomniac

Ano Hana

And in noitaminA’s habit to complement its genre-busting fantasy with slice-of-life, we get to see a guy named Jinta who spends most of his days at home with a short, hyperactive, albino girl who likes to walk barefoot. Unlike other shows, it’s as boring for him as it is for us. However, the resulting shock in seeing how much he’s changed since last being with his friends leads him to rethink his life and maybe heal some old wounds.

Oh, and said albino girl’s actually a ghost as well as Exhibit A for Jinta’s source of anguish.

Since it’s obvious, yeah, it’s melodrama. And it lays it on thick when it comes to milking character angst for all its worth. While it has decent enough animation, I still have to take away points for trying to play the “traumatic death” card to get sympathy instead of actually showing some trace of development for our cast. Still, if we’re lucky, it won’t get to Key levels of forced drama. 4/10 – Dr. Insomniac

Denpa Onna to Seishun Otoko

Yet another girl-crazed high school boy named Makoto ventures out to the city in search of a new life. So it sucks for him because he has to live with crazy people, specifically his Stepford aunt and a futon-obsessed cousin who spouts nonsense akin to the Hybrids from BSG. As soon as he sees the latter, Makoto realizes that something’s up, and that life has turned into an oddball rom-com for him.

Well, if you liked Arakawa, you’ll like this. Such as the case with all SHAFT shows, this gives off the basic first impression known as “…the fuck was that?” with little chance of seeing any kind of normality. And despite the bland characterization of our main lead, who’s genre savvy and little else, we get to see some interesting personalities in the other two cast members. Overall, it’s not for everyone, and will probably annoy than entertain, but if you can get over the rather odd premise, you’ll enjoy it. 7/10 – Dr. Insomniac

X-Men

One really has to wonder at the point behind this whole “Marvel anime” thing. The problem being that even though they are all flashy and nice to look at… they usually don’t contain any semblance of logical storytelling. This is no different. There is also nothing here for a newcomer to grab onto, as the characterizations are barely touched upon (never mind fleshed out even slightly) and the storyline is a jumbled mess. You’re basically given a slight idea of what the ‘X-Men’ are and flung into the thick of it, good luck and godspeed!

While one could easily pick this apart as a fan of the X-Men (the series starts remarkably similar to Wolverine & The X-Men for instance), this doesn’t really offer anyone anything even if removed from being a fan. If you want to watch an animated X-Men show you have 3 options, all of which offer far more than this does. Literally the only advantage this has over any of the other X-Men shows is the improved animation that comes standard from Madhouse. If you feel like watching something plodding, with boring characters (they seriously picked the blandest X-Men to revolve this around), and with a dumb story, here you go. This one’s for you. 3/10 – Desensitized

Kaiji: Season 2

Ah, Kaiji; a true anime masterpiece. The first season was about as intense and thrilling as a slow-paced series about gambling and crying huge-nosed manly men could ever hope to be, and the first episode of the sequel pulls off the same thing in spades. The episode begins with a good and necessary recap of the series’ first outing before jumping right back into a world where the simple act of buying a convenience store snack can send our hero into unfathomable despair. The overenthusiastic announcer makes even construction work and showering seem exciting while the conniving foreman adds unparalleled amounts of suspense to the protagonist’s plight. Plus, you get to see Kaiji cry over a beer and the ending credits sequence is one of the greatest I’ve ever witnessed.

The world definitely needs more anime like this one. 9/10 – Foggle

Health & Physical Education For 30-Year-Olds

There’s no way in hell a series that opens with the sentence “a male virgin becomes a magician as he reaches the age of 30” can be any good. To put it simply, this anime is one of the most rancid fucking shit stains I have ever laid eyes on. The “jokes” all fall flatter than the naked underage girls in the ending credits; everything naughty being censored wasn’t funny the first time, and it’s not funny the fiftieth time, either. Unsurprisingly, the Sex God’s dialogue appears to be talking to the audience as much as it is talking to the protagonist. The animation is effortless, the characters made of cardboard. In fact, the only truly good thing I can say about “Health & Physical Education” is that 3 minutes of the episode’s 13-minute runtime were devoted to opening/closing credits, keeping actual content to an absolute minimum.

Honestly, there are far worse things than being a virgin at age 30. For instance, you could be watching this fucking show. 1/10 – Foggle

Toriko

Note: This is based on the second episode, since the first one was actually a crossover with One Piece instead of a regular episode.

I generally don’t enjoy battle shounen anime. In fact, some might be inclined to say that I hate the genre as a whole. That said, this show is fucking awesome. Maybe I’m just easily amused, but the whole spin on the typical shounen action storyline – which involves finding delicious food instead of mystical objects of indeterminable worth – made me laugh. This episode isn’t smart in any way, but it’s so stupid that you can’t help but have fun watching it. Further adding to my enjoyment, the animation was unexpectedly good and the voice acting is quite well done. Toriko seems to be a likable and badass protagonist, and I honestly can’t wait to see what kind of huge-ass creature he’s going to eat next week.

I really want a steak now. 8/10 – Foggle

Nichijou

Note: This is based on the first TV episode, not the OVA prequel.

Oh, right. Kyoto Animation only makes slice of life shows about cute girls doing cute things nowadays. Anyway, this show is your standard KyoAni fare (similar to K-On or Lucky Star), but a lot weirder. In essence, this is Azumanga Daioh filtered through Excel Saga, but without the humor or the charm of either. However, it’s a major step up from the majority of Kyoto’s non-Full Metal Panic productions, as some of the jokes actually are kind of funny and the animation is exceptional for a TV anime. Also, while I’m not a fan of the character designs, the backgrounds themselves look fairly nice. There’s not really much I can say about the plot (there isn’t one) or the characters themselves (if I reveal too much, there’d be no reason for you to watch it), but I will say this: Nichijou isn’t going to win any awards and the laughs are too few and far between to keep it interesting, but it’s miles above most of its ilk, and for that, maybe, just maybe, you should give it a chance.

If you like this sort of anime, this one will probably end up being your favorite of its kind. 6/10 – Foggle

Hyouge Mono

Seemingly obscure and a true breath of fresh air, Hyouge Mono’s excellent first episode presents the audience with a surreal and mildly over-the-top story taking place in the Era of the Warring States. As intriguing as it is strange, the episode’s slow-pace and more traditional art style gives us a satisfying introduction to one of the season’s most interesting characters; the absurdity of main man Furuta Sasuke’s personality and relationship with real historical figure Oda Nobunaga makes for some great scenes (ever improved by the great voice acting) and seems almost Lynchian in nature. While the animation is nothing to write home about, it’s fairly well done compared to many recent anime series and should be applauded for not having any technical faults instead of disdained for not having anything to make it stand out. To top it all off, the music in this show is great, with an OP that can only be described as groovy and an ED that’s very relaxing to listen to.

Whether you’re a fan of historical fiction, tired of the endless amounts of moe, mecha, and harem crap flooding the industry, or just someone who enjoys well-written absurdity, this is the anime for you. 9/10 – Foggle

Final Verdict?

Eh, still better than the Winter shows.

Originally posted on Sunday, April 17, 2011.

Not unlike a disgusting mass of countless maggots, the Clusterfuck has expanded since the spring. Evolved. It swells with decaying flesh and the thick stench of rigor mortis; anime is a horse killed long ago, one which continues to be beaten long after decomposition by Japanese studios shoveling out as many terrible comedies, fanservice extravaganzas, and lolicon incest fantasies as possible. Has the blistering heat of the summer improved things, or has the rot managed to envelop everything in its path? Find out in the first ever multi-part Anime Clusterfuck, as Dr. Insomniac, Desensitized, Avaitor, Ensatsu-ken, and yours truly each explore their own set of TV shows in separate articles! NOTE: This never actually ended up happening.

———-

Baka to Test to Shoukanjuu Ni!

And this scene is one of them.

I find it hard to believe that enough people liked Baka to Test to warrant a second season. And yet, here we are. All the generic characters are back to test your endurance once again, and fanservice abounds when the first episode is the obligatory beach episode! It’d be easier to list the things I liked about this episode than the ones I didn’t. The OP is pretty fun to watch and I chuckled at one or two jokes. That’s it. Most of the humor is extremely obvious and falls flat on its face, the characters are neither interesting nor appealing, and the animation seems halfhearted. For a comedy, Baka to Test 2 is boring as shit, rehashing bad jokes from other anime at every possible instance using characters that completely and utterly lack charm.

At least KyoAni’s shit actually tries. 2/10

Blood-C

This actually looks stupider in motion.

They aren’t exactly popular, and they certainly aren’t masterpieces, but I’m definitely a fan of Blood: The Last Vampire and its sister TV series, Blood+. The latter’s introduction didn’t really leave a good first impression, but it interested me enough in the universe and characters to give it a chance and continue watching. Blood-C, on the other hand, left me with no desire to check out the next episode. That isn’t to say it’s bad – because it’s not – but it certainly felt disposable and perhaps a bit immature. One thing I was disappointed about is that this is anything but the same Saya from the previous two anime. Here, she comes across as dorky instead of cool (especially in the scene where she sings), something completely reinforced by her truly awful character design.

CLAMP has definitely toned things down for this series (none of the designs are as heinous as anything in Code Geass), but it’s still pretty clear who did the character art; ergo, the only way to tell the men from the women is the presence of breasts. The school scenario plot is relatively standard (not one, but TWO guys are obviously in love with our heroine), and the action-focused nighttime stuff seems a bit underdeveloped. I must compliment Production I.G. on their animation, however, which is quite fluid and makes for a great fight scene near the end of the episode. And yes, it is bloody. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a stone statue bleed that much in my entire life.

Honestly, you’d be better off watching Blood+ again. And if you’ve never seen it before, then now is as good a time as any to jump in. Take my word for it, it’s a lot of fun and certainly much better than this show. Blood-C isn’t awful, but by no means is it memorable. 5/10

The iDOLM@STER

A fair critique of this shit stain.

I’m a big fan of the mockumentary style. Man Bites Dog is one of my favorite movies of all time; it’s not just disturbing and terrifying, it’s also hilarious and witty. The iDOLM@STER is no Man Bites Dog. Hell, it’s not even Paranormal Activity. It’s fucking August Underground’s Mordum. Every minute – nay, every second – of this atrocious documentary-esque first episode is downright painful to endure. The jokes are terrible, the characters are obnoxious, and the plot is nonexistent. Really, the only thing necessary to say about this series is that it’s basically on the same level as Kiba and Umineko. It’s so horrendous that I legitimately thought about turning it off around the 12 minute mark.

Fun fact: the idols are all underage. Like, middle school underage. There’s even a scene in which one of them says, “I’m in ninth grade. Oh, and I have big boobs!” This is directly after a close-up shot of a hamster crawling down her shirt while one of the other girls comments on her bust size. Brilliant. As stated earlier, none of the characters are likable. They’re all supposed to be cute in some way, but each one is either annoying or simply retarded. The crocodile and pig are probably the cutest creatures in the show.

I hate myself for watching this, and I hate you if you like it. 1/10

Kaitou Tenshi Twin Angel: Kyun Kyun Tokimeki Paradise!!

Mortified.

I’ll admit, I enjoyed the first 30 seconds of this show. The whole mafia vegetable theft thing was just stupid enough to be humorous, and I hoped that the rest of the episode would be as fun. It wasn’t. The grating voice acting and generic EVERYTHING really killed it for me, not that I even have an interest in the magical girl genre in the first place. To be fair, this show’s target audience appears to be 5-10 year old girls, and the ages of the characters seem to reflect that. While there is an overabundance of downright creepy fanservice, Twin Angel doesn’t really strike me as pedo-bait like certain other series of its ilk. This show was clearly not aimed at people my age or gender, and the ludicrous antics of the butler got a couple of shameful laughs out of me, so I can’t really say it was terrible.

This series is obviously meant for children, and in that regard, I don’t think I can give it a fair score. Since I doubt anyone under the age of 13 is reading this article, I’ll just say that you should probably avoid watching it.

Kami-sama no Memo-chou

Surely a debilitating disease.

This is certainly a strange series in more ways than one, not the least of which being the surprising level of competence displayed by JC Staff – a company known for churning out low rent work on shoestring budgets – in the art/animation department. While it blatantly copies its sense of style from shows like Durarara!!, it does so with care and, hey, at least it chose something good to take inspiration from. The high production values definitely go a long way; the OP is awesome and attention-grabbing while the soundtrack is fun enough to keep you focused.

This series follows a NEET (Not in Education, Employment, or Training) detective and her posse of weird-but-likable similarly unemployed fellows as they solve mysteries in an unconventional way. The first episode’s story stays consistently interesting throughout, and the double-length premiere (the first time I’ve ever seen an anime episode with an hour runtime!) never feels overlong or too drawn out. Unfortunately, the characters don’t fare as well as the plot or concept. Narumi seems like a good guy, but he’s too much of a pushover to carry an anime like this. Despite having a couple of fairly witty lines, Alice fucking sucks and I wanted her dead by the end of the episode. The other characters have their good points, but are kind of boring overall – I can certainly see them improving over the course of the series, though.

It definitely has potential, and I’m feeling nice today, so I’ll give Kami-sama no Memo-chou a cautious recommendation. 7.5/10

Morita-san wa Mukuchi

When you are watching anime, focus your eyes on the screen and listen properly to the audio until the episode ends.

I don’t really have anything to say about this show. The episodes are apparently shorter than many Newgrounds cartoons and… nothing actually happened. I kind of liked Mayu (the series’ titular Morita-san), since the first episode made her out to be a detached cynic incapable of feeling empathy for other humans, but according to MAL’s character description, she’s just someone who thinks too much before speaking and thus doesn’t talk often. Sounds kind of boring, actually.

There’s no real point to watching this. 3/10

Natsume Yuujinchou San

A cat of fine taste.

I was completely surprised by this show. I had never seen any of the first two seasons and what I’d heard about it didn’t make it sound like my kind of series, but it is with great joy that I deliver this verdict: Natsume Yuujinchou 3 is excellent and by far the best anime of the season. There isn’t much to dislike about this show; Takashi is a very likable protagonist, the animation clearly had a lot of effort put into it, the music is quite nice overall, and the writing is seemingly heartfelt. The plot is fairly unique; Takashi is a fairly special guy in that he can see otherworldly demons, but instead of beating the shit out of them like you’d probably expect, he actually helps them with their problems and often befriends them. He’s an all-around good guy (and has a wonderful voice actor) with an awesome guardian spirit/cat-that-turns-into-a-wolf nicknamed Nyanko. Together, they star in an anime that is as relaxing as it is enthralling – an impressive feat. I can’t recommend this show enough, and will definitely be looking into watching the first two seasons very soon.

This book of friends is one you definitely want to open. 9/10

Usagi Drop

Just wait ‘til you see who he’s talking about.

Wow. I can’t say I expected to see such a lovely show this season. I’d rather not talk about the story since I don’t want to spoil the first episode for anyone, but I must commend everybody involved in this excellent production. Daikichi is an awesome protagonist, a great guy and easy to relate to, and I feel as if – by series’ end – Rin will end up being just as likable and intriguing, if not more so. The first two and a half minutes have beautiful art and animation; it looks like a storybook come to life. Truly, one of the few disappointing things about this episode is the fact that it drops this style in favor of something more standard once the OP hits. Only time will tell if Usagi Drop stays consistent through the entirety of its run (there’s definitely potential for it to go downhill from here), but this first episode is absolutely refreshing and certainly worth a look.

Anime of such quality and vision don’t come around often. It would be a mistake to let this one pass you by. 9/10

— Foggle

Originally posted on Tuesday, July 12, 2011.

Hey guys, Avaitor here. We’ve been hoping to do guest reviews for a while, and our good friend Kiddington, an AR board regular and all-around cool guy, was the first to send in a review, this time for the live-action Fairly Odd Parents movie, something no one on staff wanted to watch and review for ourselves. Hopefully this won’t be the last we see of Kiddington on the blog, or of other guest contributors. Stick around!

Ten years. My word, 10 years. Can you believe it? Here we sit, a full 10 years later… and Nickelodeon’s animated series, The Fairly OddParents, is still alive and kicking. Playing the role of red-headed stepchild to a certain aquatic seasponge for the better part of a decade, this… show… about a 10-year old boy and his magical fairy godparents has quietly (in so many words) lumbered along through eight seasons, over 100 episodes (with a good 30 or so still unaired), seven (!!) movies, and a couple of horrible Jimmy Neutron crossovers we best not speak any more of.

It’s quite astounding, really; a series that Nickelodeon has shown almost no desire to merchandise (couple of shovelware video games notwithstanding), and one that was never any kind of real “hit” right out of the gate, is still limping along, after all this time… and I can’t highly emphasize “limping” enough. New episodes are sporadic enough to make the casual fan assume that it’s already been cancelled, with a paltry offering of one or two new adventures premiering every few months. Nick doesn’t advertise, nor is it (usually) anywhere to be found on that daily smorgasbord of SpongeBob and iCarly reruns. Almost makes you wonder why they would continue to invest money in a series that they don’t even really care about. Television ain’t free, after all.

…and speaking of money, I cannot possibly think of any worse use of the ol’ greenback than what I’m about to break down here today. For a series that is so clearly on its last legs, choking away at a dying breath with each passing day, you’d think the smart executive decision would be to burn through the catalog of unaired episodes that they greenlit years ago, and quietly put it out of its misery. But no… somewhere along the line, circa 2009-2010, somebody at Nickelodeon had the bright idea to actually greenlight a full-on live-action adaptation. Of this. Live-action fairies. God help us all.

We all knew it’d be bad. All indications up to this point were that this movie was the be all, end all of suck, and that it’d simply further drive a stake into the heart of a series that wasn’t really all that great to begin with. The fairies were to be rendered in CGI. Timmy Turner would be played by an aging Drake Bell. Baby Poof would be voiced by Randy Jackson, of all people. All of it true; all of it equally horrifying.

 

Things get off to a rolling start. Within the first minute of this absolute monstrosity, we are already treated to our first glimpse of CGI fairies… and yes, they look just as bad as you might imagine (think Fanboy & Chum Chum-esque quality; by the looks of things, the animation studio responsible for THAT is also running the CGI show here). The voices of Cosmo and Wanda are unchanged, provided by their regular VA’s from the series, Daran Norris and Susan Blakeslee, respectively. As previously mentioned, live-action Timmy Turner is portrayed by none other than Drake Bell, an aging child star that still hasn’t cut ties with his former employer. In this instance, Timmy, now 23 years of age, is portrayed as a bit of a loser; a manchild still clinging to his past, still living at home, and still riding the wish train of his fairy godparents (whilst laughably bucking the trend of series continuity in the process; he SHOULD have lost them at age 18, but who even cares at this point).

As the fun continues, we are treated to all sorts of camp… all of it so bad, it’d be worth an Emmy in an alternate universe. Right out of the gate, we get our first shot of toilet humor, as Baby Poof rings off a belch right in everyone’s face as he tries to speak for the first time. I wince at the thought. But wait… there’s more! Strap yourselves in folks, it’s time for a good old fashioned PIRATE BIRTHDAY BATTLE!!!!! Today is Timmy’s birthday, and what better way to celebrate! By the use of magic, lame pirate fighting sequence ensues, with acting so wooden, so forced, and so incredibly lame that it’s enough to make your head spin. All within with first MINUTE of the film. And we’ve still got 59 more to go. FML.

Shortly after this concludes, we are introduced to Jorgen Von Strangle, Fairy World’s resident Schwarzenegger mask. Live-action Jorgen is portrayed by some guy named Mark Gibbon. All I know about him is that he’s Canadian, doesn’t have much of an acting resume… and that he absolutely SUCKS in this movie. The scenes with Jorgen are probably some of the most cringeworthy moments of the entire thing, and for a movie this bad, that says something. He spends the entire film running around, shooting love arrows at Timmy so he’ll fall in love with stuff… because apparently, if he falls in love, he loses his fairies. Which Jorgen wants, because he’s a big flaming bastard. Whatever.

Timmy’s parents are next on the scene. In a rare instance of casting not gone horribly wrong, Daran Norris is actually playing Timmy’s live-action dad, the same character that he voices in the series. He’s dabbled in the live-action department before (Ned’s Declassified, Big Time Rush… basically, he’s buds with Scott Fellows, aka the sick bastard also responsible for Johnny Test, who, surprise surprise, wrote this horrorfest), so I guess he wasn’t afraid to show his mug on screen. Susan Blakeslee’s a bit more camera shy, though; she’s nowhere to be found. Timmy’s mom is portrayed here by Teryl Rothery. Like Jorgen, they’re both on a on hellbent mission focused on the Tim; in this case, they’re trying to get Old Man Turner to move his ass out of the house, in the most not-so subtle of ways. Yawn.

Hilarity ensues (not really) with the Turners, as the try and convince ol’ Timmeh to leave with an elaborate set of unfunny, job-related birthday gifts, before we move on to our next character intro. Vicky’s up to the plate, and man oh man… if there truly is a Magnum Opus of suck in this movie, it might just be her. I’ve never heard of Devon Weigel, the actress that portrays her; apparently, she’s Canadian (hey, just like Jorgen!), and her acting resume is just as small as the other guy. And by the looks of things, it’s gonna stay that way. Her role in this quote unquote “movie” might just be a career killer… no, make that a career annihilator. The whole thing is already an acting nightmare to begin with, but somehow… SOMEHOW, this girl actually manages to stand head and shoulders above the rest in the worst possible way. I can’t even really get into specifics, because it’s all that bad. All of it. Everything; every line, every action, every literal motion… just, EVERYTHING. Should anyone ever decide to watch this out of moribund curiosity, praise your deity of choice that Vicky only has a small, almost bit role in this movie; any more of her, and it might drive you clinically insane.

More character intros. Mr. Crocker’s up next, Timmy’s nutso Elementary School teacher. Manchild Timmy’s been in his class for 13-years, and this old fool’s had enough. Determined to expose Timmy’s secret of eternal childhood (which is, of course, his FAIRY GODPARENTS FAIRY GODPARENTS FAIRY GODDDDDPAAAAARRRRREEEEENTS… yes, that tired old gag from the show is very much used in the movie), he serves as Primary Antagonist Numero Uno. Well, for now anyway, until the next baddie shows up on scene later.

I’ll say this much; in a movie riddled with so many bad casting calls, this was actually one of the very few they got right. Played by some guy named David Lewis (again… another Canadian, never heard of him, hasn’t been in a whole lot), he does an absolute spon-on impression of Carlos Alazraqui, Crocker’s VA from the series. I’m not making this up, either; it’s actually really good, and one of the few high points of the movie. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say they almost dubbed Alazraqui’s voice right over Lewis; it’s that close.

Couple of ill-conceived fart jokes later, we move on to our final set of character intros. As Timmy bicycles home, he spots a hot girl (played by one of Nickelodeons own, Daniella Monet) walking, gets distracted, and runs into a mailbox. Cue laughter. Needing to know just who this Adonis is, he follows her. Segway to Dimmsdale Park, where slick-suited supervillain Hugh J. Magnate (portrayed sadly, and terribly, by Steven Weber) stands at a podium, unveiling his plan of pure, delicious evil; to tear down a giant tree, and in-turn build a giant oil rig in its place… right in the middle of the park. Yeah, that’s the exact same reaction I had when I first heard it. You can’t make this stuff up, folks; this is Grade-A bullshit at it’s very finest. And thus, we are now introduced to the real primary antagonist of the movie… which is this guy. I still don’t know how in the Sam Hill they actually convinced an established actor like Steven Weber to take part in this madness, but it happened, and he’s here.

Final noteworthy character intro; hot girl from three minutes earlier plays the role of “concerned citizen”, stands up to suit-guy Magnate, tells him how horrible he is, and reveals herself as Tootie; the insane, ugly girl from the series that has a mad crush on Timmy. In the series, she’s also Vicky’s sister, but no mention of that is made here. Oops. Anyway, now she’s no longer ugly, and lovestruck Timmy watches her noble act from afar. She then proceeds to tie herself to previously mentioned big tree, following through with a tired cliche that’s been done a thousand times over. Suit guy can’t possibly tear down the tree now, riiiiight? He’d be a killer in the process! Unfortunately, because he’s a bastard and all, he goes through with the destruction of said tree anyway, assuming that Tootie will just move out of the way at the last second (because, in his own words, “that’s what they all do”). She doesn’t, and it’s up to Timmy and his fairies, with the use of some quick-thinking magic, to save the day. I won’t spoil what goes on here, but rest assured; nothing that really happens in this next sequence is funny in the least bit. Tootie is saved, though, and suit guy appears to be defeated. Rejoice.

…oh, and I almost forget to mention; somewhere in all of this, we are introduced to Chester and AJ, Timmy’s two loser childhood friends, rounding out the absolute FINAL (yes, I’m serious now) in character intros. But I really don’t want to talk about those two. At all. They suck. The characters suck, the actors playing them really suck… everything about these two just sucks. The less said, the better.

Moving on, we cut to Magnate’s limo, as he rides off in defeat. Being the smooth operator that he is, he concludes that there is no possible way he could screw up this badly on his own, and that his presentation was sabotaged. It is, at this point, that he receives an anonymous phone call, whereby the person on the other end (revealed in mere moments to be none other than the films other villainous scurge, Mr. Crocker) reveals to him that he knows who screwed him over, and that they should meet later that night in “The Alley”. The Alley, as it turns out, is not a dark, insidious crevice between two buildings at all, and is instead a fancy, upscale Chinese restaurant. I’m ashamed to admit, that little joke actually did get a chuckle out of me. My standards must be slipping. Anyway, they meet, Crocker reveals it was all Timmy, and the two basically team up for of a common goal; to DESTROY TIMMY TURNER.

Timmy, meanwhile, is quickly falling in love with a now de-uglified Tootie. They frolic, they laugh, music plays, and his CGI fairies become increasingly worried that he’s falling in love with her… and you know what thaaaaat means! In an attempt to sabotage Timmy’s romance so they don’t lose him forever, the duo decide to transform into actual human beings. Animation no more; everything is now running on live-action, for a few brief moments anyway.

Confession time. I’ll freely admit; this next sequence was the one and only part of the movie that I legitimately enjoyed. Everything else about this abomination is completely insulting to my intelligence in every sense of the word, but this one scene was actually somewhat enjoyable. Cosmo and Wanda, now in live-action (a concept that works a lot better than you’d think), are portrayed by Jason Alexander and Cheryl Hines respectively. No, I am not making this up; George Costanza (or Duckman; your call, really) and Larry David’s TV wife are in this movie, and they are now playing Timmy’s very own fairy godparents. You know, on the one hand, it’s a shame to see two actors that I admire so much be so criminally miscast… but on the other hand, I’m kinda glad they are here, as they actually made one small scene out of this flaming disaster fairly enjoyable to me (which is more than anyone else has managed up to this point). Yep, it’s official; my standards really ARE slipping.

After the both of them torture Tootie for a good minute or so in a feeble attempt to scare her off, Timmy demands that they not “screw this up for him”, and instead has them both use their magic to restore Dimmsdale Park. Boy, Drake Bell really knows his way into a woman’s heart, doesn’t he? Tootie loves it, more frolicking ensues, and our sitcom vets wince in the background, as it surely looks to be all over for them now. Timmy and Tootie are about to lock lips for the… ahem, second time (I don’t remember this ever happening in the show, but apparently it did), making this storybook romance official, and marking the end of an era… or ARE they? Without spoiling the juicy details, the kiss doesn’t happen, and Tootie runs off in disgust. It’s not the end of an era, but unfortunately, it is the end of live-action fairies, as the duo decide to transform back into their CGI zombie form for the duration of the film. By far, the most enjoyable scene of the movie, and it’s already over in less than five minutes. Fare thee well, George; you gave it your best.

As we close in on the home stretch, things of the “evil” variety finally start happening. A visually disgusted Tootie is kidnapped by a group of Magnate’s lackeys, while Timmy’s extended magical family is captured by Mr. Crocker. All of them return to Magnate’s underground lair of unhinged villainy, where Steven Weber basically proceeds to make an ass out of himself for the final 20 minutes of the movie (“RESPECT THE PECS, FAIRIES!!!”), while also harming Cosmo and Wanda in the process by making bad wishes. It’s up to Timmy to save the day, and this unfortunately calls for the help of Chester and AJ. Oh yeah, Vicky and Jorgen also show up again as well, but who cares. Hijinks, hilarity (again, not really), disco, and badly choreographed fight scenes are soon to follow, none of which I’ll get into the full details of here. Rest assured, though; it’s all just as bad as you could possibly imagine.

I won’t spoil the ending either, but I will say this much; it’s a sappy, feel good cop-out of epic proportions that a monkey could probably see coming from a mile away. Not that I actually expected the ending to be any good, mind you, but still; everything about this movie is just so damn insulting on every possible level, it almost hurts reminiscing about it. They could have, at the very least, given us a decent ending… but I guess it doesn’t even matter now. Almost everything else about this movie sucks, so why not make the ending suck just as much? It’s only fair to the audience, right?

We’ve all come to know by now that live-action adaptations of animated properties simply do not work. Be it the Flintstones, Yogi Bear, *gasp* Inspector Gadget, or that upcoming Smurfs movie that makes me sick to my stomach… they’re all equally terrible. It’s a concept that just doesn’t mesh, no matter what you possibly try to do with it. And yet, Hollywood still doesn’t seem to get the picture. It keeps happening (hey, we’ve got Looney Tunes adaptations on their way!), and the Fairly OddParents would appear to be their latest victim. I guess if it’s any consolation, you can say that no childhood memories were really harmed in the making of this disaster (because honestly, who even likes this show that much anyway?), but still; it still happened, and it’s still here. I still watched it, and the things that I’ve seen, the dialogue that I’ve heard… I cannot go back.

Oh, sure; as I mentioned, there were a few mild bits of good to come out of this mess. Daran Norris (as live-action Dad, not as Cosmo; he still sucks as Cosmo), David Lewis, Jason Alexander and Cheryl Hines all turned in decent performances, despite having almost nothing of remote coherence to work with. It wasn’t all bad… just about a good 95% of it, give or take. In making this, they’ve actually managed to take an already winded and browbeaten series that needed to just go away to begin with, and succeeded in making it that much worse. Bravo, Nickelodeon; had I not just subjected myself to that most unholy form of mental torture, I’d tip my hat to you. Actually, no, I wouldn’t; you guys suck.

…oh yeah, and one last thing I probably shouldn’t forget (as much as it pains me to bring it up again). I had mentioned earlier in the review that Baby Poof talks in this movie, and was voiced by the one and only “YO DAWG” Randy Jackson. It’s all true, and does indeed happen. It comes up at the very end of the film, and the actual scene couldn’t have lasted any longer than 10 seconds… but… oh my, I don’t even know what to say, really. The lasting impression this will leave on you is surely not a good one. I warn you, this next sequence is frighteningly bad. The complete transcript of Baby Poof’s first words is as follows:

YO MAN ITZ GONNA BE SO COOL MAN WE GONNA BE BUMPIN MAN AND TRYIN TO HELP THE BOYZ OUT YOU KNOW HOW WE DO IT. YOU FEEL ME DAWG? *wicka wicka*

Mouth agape, I am speechless. I am simply without speech. As if the ending to this… thing… wasn’t already bad enough, they go and close the book on it with this. Butch Hartman, you’ll be taking this one to the grave, my friend. THE GRAVE.

End

Originally posted on Sunday, July 10, 2011.

*General*

There is a wide scope of shows that did not make the list for very specific reasons, be they because they all follow the same formula, or because of the time period this list was made in. A few of these were considered for inclusion on the list but for one reason or another, simply didn’t make it in. Keep in mind that just because they didn’t make the final list and are instead here is not because they are objectively inferior (for the most part), but because they did not compare to the rest of the list in our opinion.

Shows we haven’t seen
Examples: Mysterious Cities Of Gold, Legend of the Galactic Heroes
We can’t rank what we haven’t seen and we can’t have seen it all. We’re only human. Yeah, some of you more cultured animation fans will wonder why neither of these shows are on the list. We can’t blame you. However, the truth is that none of us have seen Mysterious Cities of Gold, and only Insomniac’s watched all of Legend of the Galactic Heroes and in all honesty, we do eventually plan to correct this gross injustice. But alas, don’t take us as close-minded for not scouring through more obscure fare. We’ll be sure to watch the above two and plenty of other under-appreciated classics once we have the time to do so.

Various short-lived shows/OVAs
Examples: FLCL, Clerks
Yes, they’re good, yes they’re fun. No, they don’t really have any lasting impact.

Your 80s nostalgic favorites
Examples: GI Joe, Thundercats, Transformers G1… etc.
Many of these are formulaic, poorly written and animated, and have aged exceedingly poorly. There are certainly some gems hidden in there, but we thought they were a tad outclassed by the rest of the stuff on our list.

Too soon to rank
Examples: My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, Sym-Bionic Titan, Young Justice, Archer
The recent cartoon seasons were home to many new shows, many of which were unique and a breath of fresh air. Unfortunately, they couldn’t all make it right now, but who knows what the future will hold? We might have new contenders for our list in the coming years, but these shows are too new to compete directly with proven classics.

Fleischer Studio’s Output
When you get down to it, these were some of the best cartoons of all time. The Talkartoons had the surreality and charm of Disney’s Silly Symphonys while relying on more than just cutting-edge animation techniques to captivate audiences. Betty Boop and Popeye were and are still two of the most popular cartoon characters ever, and had strong enough casts in their shorts to make Mickey and the gang seem boring by comparison. And the Superman shorts were among the first successful attempts at adapting a major super hero character, and their Technicolor bliss were a big inspiration for action cartoons for years on, with Bruce Timm’s Batman and Superman series in particular taking good notes.

These cartoons deserve to be seen by fans of animation all over, but we didn’t rank them on since the shorts have never really aired on TV together, unlike the Looney Tunes, or even MGM’s stuff, like in Down With Droopy D from Cartoon Network in the 90’s. For a lot of fans, we had to rely on public domain releases to see a fair share of these, while from our time, Popeye and Superman shorts would only air sparingly on TV. We also feel like cartoons like these deserve to be ranked elsewhere, and we might do something akin to Avaitor’s Disney posts later, not just for Fleischer, but for other studios like Lantz and UPA. Stick around for that.

Modern Cartoon Network Comedies
Examples: The Marvelous Misadventures Of Flapjack, Regular Show, Adventure Time, Chowder, Foster’s Home For Imaginary Friends
Here we have some fun shows, each with a following outside the main demographic. Are they funny? To some people. To others, they’re more akin to headaches, and are a little harder to get into than the early Cartoon Network originals, which were made for everyone and hit a wide range of fans. These shows tend to be preferred by children in the demographic and slightly-older viewers that think these series are “edgy and better than the crap on Nick and Disney”. We’ve tried the Cartoon Network test on our parents and other people around that age, and while the older Cartoon Cartoons tested fairly well on them, the more recent shows got weaker results. Not to mention that the older fans that gravitate towards these shows seem to go away before they end, and they tend to lower in quality significantly around then, and even the few who stay before they end forget about their current favorites for whatever CN just came out with. We considered putting a couple of series on here, but the more recent ones are too new and likely to follow that trend, while the older ones haven’t aged as well as we’d like them to.

*Action*

Explosions! Carnage! Ohmandidyouseethat?! Yes, there have been a lot of brilliant action shows over the years and deciding on the best of the best was tough work! So tough in fact that we were still trying to cut some of these shows late into the list’s life. While we feel the best of the best were chosen for our list, here are a few other contenders that just barely managed to make our list for various reasons of their own.

Wolverine & The X-Men
Wolvie was this close to making the list, but lost due to only lasting one season and ultimately not doing as much in its run as Evolution did in its. We still would have left it in if Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes didn’t finish its first season while we were still doing this, and accomplished more with its characters than W&TXM did. Not to mention that we already had an X-Men show on here, and there wasn’t too much of a major distinction between them as opposed to with Batman: TAS and Brave & the Bold. Good show, but we just had better options.

90s Spider-Man/X-Men
Both of these were childhood favorites for a few of the AR staff members and even helped us to get into the characters. Watching them again though, they just don’t hold up that well. Poor animation, weak voice acting given out by solid performers, lame censorship, and half-assed attempts at some of the comics’ best stories, these shows were outclassed by Batman: TAS then and by later X-Men and Spider-Man shows since their arrival. Even then, they’re still among the best Marvel cartoons of the 90’s. Remember Avengers: United They Stand and the first seasons of Iron Man and Fantastic Four? Yeah, same.

Samurai Jack
Genndy Tartakovsky is a much beloved figure here at the AR, as you can see by how high Dexter’s Laboratory ranked on our list. Sym-Bionic Titan was another big favorite of ours, and we all thought his Clone Wars series was the best part of the Star Wars prequels. And yeah, Samurai Jack is awesome. It’s an absolutely vibrant experiment in western animation that is unforgettable for all those who see it. But there lies one fatal flaw: It didn’t have a proper ending. So until Genndy can finally put some closure to this project, the void of a conclusion stings too much for us to give a proper placement on the list.

Macross (by extension Robotech)
Another classic that just missed making the list during the initial selection. Of all the classic candidates from this genre, Macross is considered second only to the original Gundam in influence and believe us, by all means deserves a placement on a list such as this. Unfortunately, we felt it just wasn’t enough to make our list in the end, but feel vindicated in the fact that it almost did.

Dragon Ball Z & One Piece
I’m sure we’ll no doubt get a ton of heat for not ranking some of the most popular shonen of all time on our list. Now, to be fair, its not that we think any of these particular titles suck or that their overall stories themselves haven’t aged well or anything like that. I myself highly enjoy Eichiro Oda’s deservingly popular manga One Piece, and many of us at AR have enjoyed DBZ for what it is (and yes, we have watched the series with its original voice acting in Japanese and its original soundtrack). The main problem that keeps these titles from being proper material from our list can be summed up in one word: Toei. Whether you like the adaptations on the whole or not, it just can’t be denied that Toei blatantly subjects these adaptations to extremely cheap budget animation for a majority of each series, slows their plots down with horrible pacing (often-times dragging out small portions of the respective manga to last entire episodes), and while each series has its strengths through some great voice acting and fantastic musical scores, it ultimately isn’t enough to save them from all of the other things that Toei does wrong with them in the long-run. The fact of the matter is that we have to look at the bigger picture when judging these shows for a list such as this. For a show to rank on our list, one of its key requirements is that it must be easily accessible to a wide variety of people in terms of being something that most people would want to invest their time in. With the pacing that these shows go at, we highly doubt that we could convince most people to watch either anime when both take multiple episodes to get out a single plot point or fight that most series could finish in the span of half an episode. So, we aren’t denying that these adaptations do have some great moments of brilliance, but the problem lies in how much boredom one has to slog through to get to those moments.

Fist Of The North Star
One of the most important shonen there is, but unfortunately, it just missed the mark of making our list due to the excess of padding, wildly fluctuating animation quality, and for being a bit too formulaic overall in most episodes. A great show, yes, but not one we could rank over others for much the same reasoning as other shonen favorites like DBZ or One Piece.

Teen Titans
This is a good show, but not one we particularly liked. It has a lot of things going for it, and a large fanbase to boot, but a few things about it just tended to rub us the wrong way. The plot development was often too sporadic, only a couple of villains really interested us, and we didn’t find the comedy all that funny. On the whole, it’s an enjoyable watch with some nifty animation, but not one we’d really consider a classic.

Ghost In The Shell: Stand Alone Complex
This is a great show, filled with complex plotting, interesting philosophy (though not nearly as much as in the movies or manga), and memorable characters. So why, then, did it not make the list? Truth be told, this is simply because it is a very divisive series; even more so than Evangelion among the staff. To include Stand Alone Complex on our list would have meant dropping something else that everyone (or nearly everyone) agreed was worthy of being called one of the top 65 cartoons of all time, and after painstaking construction we realized that we had crafted a list no one here would have done any differently.

Other shonen series (Naruto, Bleach, Hitman Reborn, etc.)
No, we don’t really have all that much against shonen series that focus on battles and the like (not all of us, anyways). However, aside from various pacing and filler problems akin to what was mentioned with One Piece, FOTNS, and DBZ, these series also have notably weaker stories on the whole, and when or if they do show some strengths, they are typically short-lived and each of them lack any form of consistency in terms of overall quality. If you like or enjoy any of these shonen series that we didn’t rank on our list, then that’s absolutely fine. That said, the reason they don’t rank on our list is because we find that they lack quality altogether, and often succumb to the same general issues, ranging from generic and/or annoying characters to bland execution of their formulaic plots. They aren’t necessarily bad or terrible, but they certainly aren’t anything that stand out nearly enough to make a list such as this.

*Comedy*

Comedy was a bit harder to choose for our list. There were quite a few comedies that made the cut and were subsequently cut once more after review, it was a hard road for many of these shows. Comedy is a lot more subjective to judge than action can be, so if you feel offended that we didn’t think your favorite comedy was all that funny, don’t take it to hard. In any case, here are the most popular comedies that did not make our list because we felt they were either not funny, consistent, or original enough to make enough of an impact or fell just short of making the list.

Spongebob Squarepants
Though the first three seasons and the movie are quite enjoyable, everything after that just feels phoned-in and barely serviceable. And while The Simpsons also succumbed to such a fate, it at least managed to fight it off for around a decade. As much as some of us hold nostalgia towards the sponge, years of mediocrity and over-promotion by Nick haven’t really endeared it to us in recent time.

The Venture Brothers
Though quite the interesting experience and unique parody of the Quest formula, what started off as a clever look into a unique world quickly turned in on itself and by the third season was no longer a thriving and developing world, but a string of in-jokes and winking nods to the fans killing a lot of its appeal in the process. We’re not one to knock a show for having fanservice, but centering entire episodes (and seasons) around such shallow ideas makes the overall product suffer. The Venture Bros. suffers hard for how they changed the focus of the show, and it is that exact reason why it has not made the list.

Family Guy/American Dad
We understand that both shows are quite popular and deserve their followings, but in the grand scheme of things, we on the AR just staff prefer other comedies to Seth MacFarlane’s sitcoms. It’s kind of hard to make a full commitment with Family Guy when the show’s entire purpose now is to use characters with next-to-no personality offend the audience as much as they can for a half hour, and while we appreciate American Dad for taking the initiative to use the Family Guy formula with more round characters, the cast ends up being either dull like Francine, useless like Hayley and Klaus, or borderline unbearable like Stan and Roger. There’s also the severe lack of consistent quality in each show’s output to guarantee them spots here. Both shows have some genuine laughs at least a couple of times an episode however, so we can say that we at least respect their efforts, unlike The Cleveland Show, which takes the worst qualities of both shows and just makes for an unpleasant experience.

Ren & Stimpy
About a season’s worth of good episodes from the Spumco age + about less than a season’s worth of good episodes from the Games age + nothing of merit from Adult Party Cartoon= one horribly inconsistent run. The good is still very good, but even that we’re burnt out on. We just had better options than Ren & Stimpy.

Beavis & Butthead
Mike Judge’s lovable metalheads have the right idea, being somewhat appealing morons who were able to make you laugh by poking fun of society and poking their butts at the same time. B&B has a lot of laughs in any given episode, but in terms of satire in animation, Judge’s other show and its spin-off do it better and are overall superior shows to Beavis & Butthead. It’s quality, but we had better options for the list.

Scooby-Doo
See: The 80s, except continuous over the past 40 years, a couple of odd highlights aside.

The Jetsons/Top Cat
Two of Hanna-Barbera’s funniest originals, the former takes similar ideas from The Flintstones, keeps the class and wit of the early seasons, puts them in space, and makes for good times, while the latter ups the class and wit to a whole other level. They’re fun shows that hold up fine, but only lasted a season each, didn’t do make as much of an impact in the industry during their sole season as Jonny Quest did or are held in as high regard as Flintstones is. To be fair, The Jetsons has 2 additional seasons from the 80’s… but the less said about those, the better.

Sheep In The Big City
Sheep came out around the peak of Cartoon Network, when the originals were still full of life and energy. While there was plenty of wit and love put into the show, it didn’t last as long as Ed, Edd, n’ Eddy or Powerpuff Girls nor left as much of an impression as Megas XLR, and when it comes to the best of the best, it just barely misses that cut. We still highly recommend it if you’re a fan of these shows, however. It holds up about as well as any of them.

Kim Possible
Wait, why did Jake Long make it into the list, but not Kim Possible? We appreciate both shows and think that KP did a fair amount right, but rewatching both shows, Kim doesn’t really hold up as well as we remembered. The first season is good enough, but eventually the quirks that made the show fun at first became tiresome. Kim’s perfection, Ron’s stupidity, Drakken’s incapability to do a thing without Shego, and Rufus’s existence in general became old before long. Not to mention that the last season existed solely for fanservice, like bringing Team Go back for no reason. While American Dragon improved after a promising but faulted first season, Kim took a promising first season and slowly went south after.

And just for reference, here’s the list in full again.

1 – Looney Tunes
2 – Batman: The Animated Series
3 – The Simpsons
4 – Rocky & Bullwinkle
5 – King Of The Hill
6 – Monster
7 – Ed, Edd, n’ Eddy
8 – Cowboy Bebop
9 – Jonny Quest
10 – Yu Yu Hakusho
11 – Neon Genesis Evangelion
12 – MGM department umbrella
13 – Gargoyles
14 – The Flintstones
15 – Rocko’s Modern Life
16 – Justice League & Unlimited
17 – Futurama
18- Mobile Suit Gundam
19 – Daria
20 – Dragon Ball
21 – South Park
22 – Home Movies
23 – DuckTales
24 – Tiny Toon Adventures
25 – Animaniacs
26 – Invader Zim
27 – The Boondocks
28 – Higurashi No Naku Koro Ni (When They Cry)
29 – Pinky & The Brain
30 – The Huckleberry Hound Show
31 – Lupin III
32 – Dexter’s Laboratory
33 – Space Ghost: Coast To Coast
34 – Batman Beyond
35 – The Powerpuff Girls
36 – Harvey Birdman: Attorney At Law
37 – Darkwing Duck
38 – The Spectacular Spiderman
39 – Batman: The Brave & The Bold
40 – Full Metal Alchemist
41 – Johnny Bravo
42 – Duckman
43 – Freakazoid!
44 – Avatar: The Last Airbender
45 – GTO
46 – TMNT: 2K3
47 – Death Note
48 – The Critic
49 – Beast Wars
50 – Superman: TAS
51 – The Angry Beavers
52 – Paranoia Agent
53 – X-Men Evolution
54 – The Real Ghostbusters
55 – Megas XLR
56 – Courage the Cowardly Dog
57 – Full Metal Panic! The Second Raid
58 – ReBoot
59 – American Dragon: Jake Long
60 – W.I.T.C.H.
61 – Hunter X Hunter
62 – Cow & Chicken
63 – Excel Saga
64 – Baccano!
65 – Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes

Written by AR staff

Originally posted on Sunday, July 10, 2011.

Episode 3: Once Again After Self-Medicating

“I was born into this world in my search for this girl. Sacrificing life, a new world, and everything I could’ve had. The girl collected pieces of junk from somewhere. And made a body for me. My memories were murky. I couldn’t remember without effort. Where have I been? Where have I been trying to get to? I couldn’t speak to the girl, but she was the one warm spot in this world that I had been after. Of course, in my body of junk, I cannot feel that warmth.”

And I cannot feel at all for you, because there is no point to your scenes.

Also notice how KyoAni decides to put the best animation onto the most inconsequential scenes in the show. Does that make sense to you?

After random robot redundancy time is over, we see Tomoya going to the Furukawa bakery only to get bitched at by the resident wifebeater of the house. Mr. Furukawa gets savvy at the fact that the two are the official couple of the show, and moans about how Nagisa should be moaning “OH DAD I LOVE YOU! YOU’RE THE COOLEST EVER!” in her sleep than calling out Tomoya’s name. I’m sensing a deeply troubled Elektra complex from him, which is not helped by how Mrs. Furukawa looks and acts like a little kid herself.

Speaking of Nagisa’s matriarch, she appears to offer exposition about how her daughter has the immune system of a Mayflower pilgrim. And despite this, she decided to stand out in the rain last episode. So it seems that Nagisa has absolutely no sense of self-preservation, while having literally nothing better to do than to stand and wait for her boyfriend-yet-to-be.

Female empowerment, everyone!

After that little talk, Nagisa’s dad shifts away from manic mode and starts thanking Tomoya by offering him bread. This inadvertently leads to the mom running off because Mr. Furukawa accidentally called her out on how poorly kept her buns are.

Suddenly, some short-haired girl pops up and wonders why Tomoya’s the only one at the bakery. He offers her bread. She says thank you. He thinks, “She’s really pretty.”

TOMOYA. YOU WHORE.

Out of nowhere, a guy pulls Tomoya into the road to look at his dented car, since he needs a witness or something of the like. Then, a guy who looks and sounds suspiciously like an older version of Tomoya comes out and denies that he dented the car. He goes:

“I want you and your friend here to think about what I said someday in the very near future. If what the electrician told you that day was true, or was it false? Think about it in your place of rest beside the one you love.”

Replace his dialogue with that of Tuxedo Mask’s, and the scene would be the exact same.

Tomoya realizes that the dent on the car was actually made by a cat and not by construction work, because the only available car in the Clannad-verse is the Zastava Koral I suppose.

Future Tomoya gives Tomoya a business card, only for that potentially interesting plot thread to be switched into a mundane one in that this guy’s actually some has-been singer named Yusuke Yoshino. I’m sure that this is very valuable foreshadowing for the oncoming pl—Oh no, he’s only relevant in After Story. Well, that throws away whatever meaning this scene had.

Meanwhile at Sunohara’s house, our humble protagonist has to hear blondie rant about how Tomoyo is probably a drag queen instead of an actual girl. The next day, he decides to go ask his two-time torturer if he can use her razor… and yeah.

Essentially repeating the same scene throughout 3 episodes does not construe anything resembling proper plot development, KyoAni. Yes, you’re trying to emphasize how Sunohara’s a pussy and how Tomoyo’s got DEM LEGS. I got it the first time. I didn’t need any encores, and yet you insist on this.

After that beating, Tomoya wanders through the school again only to look out through the window and see Nagisa eating lunch. She looks at him and giggles like a bloody Muppet hammering the letter of the day down your throat. Tomoya apparently teleports down to sit next to Nagisa, and proceeds to hear her gush about how she got enough courage to look at him through the window. Then they say sorry to each other over the whole basketball incident from last episode. And in comes the random heartfelt moment!

But before we can get our insulin shots ready, here comes the green-haired girl and her want of a knife. She pantomimes a basketball player and a boxing coach in a failed attempt to humor all the lifeless anoraks watching this show (such is my fate). Then, she gives Tomoya a star. Well, that was the shittiest Super Mario boss I’ve ever seen.

Tomoya commits corporal punishment upon children.

In the next scene, Tomoya wakes Sunohara up to tell him that he’s a hundred years into THE FUTURE!

THE HUMANS ARE DEAD. THE HUMANS ARE DEAD. WE USED POISONOUS GASES. AND WE POISONED THEIR ASSES.

I know this is supposed to be a funny moment, but the crappy delivery and how the POV shot just shifts to Tomoya’s face and Sunohara acting as usual just make it fall flatter on its face than a gimp trying to run the Boston Marathon. The two go outside to find a wild Swinub wandering through the grass. Before Sunohara can use a super effective move on it, Kyou attacks with Fling combined with Hi Jump Kick. Sunohara tries to use Charm, only to get KO’d through a Low Kick.

So Kyou introduces her morality pet, a baby boar named Botan, to Tomoya in an attempt to show the audience that she has more depth than “book-throwing bitch”. Results are questionable.

Next, Tomoya decides to teach Nagisa public speaking. Soon after, a girl named Yukine Miyazawa—who I shall now rename as Droopy Girl—offers the two coffee while reciting her character role.

“I take care of the books nobody else wants to read… yeah, fuck my life.”

Tomoya then makes a quip about how there are “some really unique characters in this school.” Droopy makes a quite agreeable “O RLY?” face, and then she disappears like everyone else.

Nagisa tries to rehearse her lines when it comes to audiences larger than the people who watch this show for any story value. Tomoya asks her why she’s doing this in the first place, with which she replies, “I don’t know anything about the dramatic arts.” Well, duh!

Tomoya then asks her what plays she’ll act out, which she answers vaguely and with no feeling. When he asks what the posters are about, she starts creaming herself over the mere prospect of dangos.

“Dad, I’m a dango!” “I’M PROUD OF YOU, DAUGHTER.” “Dad, are you a dango?” “YES, NOW WE ARE A FAMILY AGAIN.”

Tomoya soundly puts her in her place for concentrating on the wrong aspects of her performance while laying little effort in what counts (sucks that the show couldn’t keep this lesson to heart). Nagisa gives a “power of friendship” speech while more accordions play. The two leave only to discover that all of their posters have been torn down. As they wonder why, Droopy appears and says that they probably didn’t get approval from the student council.

And because nothing can be too contrived, the school announcer—who is embarrassingly the most emotive of the characters so far—says that Nagisa has to come to the student council room. With that, the episode ends. Yeah, how’s that for a cliffhanger?

Will Nagisa get her posters up in time? Can Tomoya overcome his apathy and hook up with Nagisa? Will Sunohara’s balls finally drop? Find out on the next episode! Same Clan-Time! Same Clan-Channel!

…That came off wrong, didn’t it?

Originally posted on Saturday, July 2, 2011.

…come on. Why isn’t there a car hitting one of them? It happened on Kanon. Why can’t it happen here?

Oh yeah, I’m supposed to be doing this.

*shoves Brandy and Fluoxetine into mouth*

Let’s ride.

Episode 2: The First Step To Walking Away From This Mess

Following on from the last episode, Tomoya is walking around town after acting like a spastic sissy at the mere appearance of his dad. By contrived coincidence, Nagisa is right by, practicing out lines for a play she wants to do. And because this is Clannad, a spotlight shines around her while she bellows out the following:

“If you’d like, I’ll take you to a special place in time. A place where all your wishes come true.”

Nagisa, wide-eyed and chipper as ever, gushes about how she wants to start up a new version of the drama club. And to compliment the sappiness, cherry blossoms fall in the background.

Hey, KyoAni, you know there’s this thing called subtlety, right? Not all emotional scenes need to look like something that would make Hummel figurines look gritty.

In between our supposed plot, we get round two in our series of mockingly pretentious moments between a red-haired girl and her pet robot. And just like last time, here’s another pseudo-profound statement.

“The girl’s life was very lonely. There was no one else besides the girl, but that was only natural. Nothing is born here. Neither does anything die. That’s the kind of world this is. That body was for me. Do I just have to wish it? To be born here? The one warm spot in this world, before I realized it, that’s what I was seeking.”

In less than a minute, you manage to make the scenes between Anakin and C3PO from the Phantom Menace seem natural and well-written. Bravo, KyoAni, bravo.

Back to the story, Tomoya contemplates about the drama club only to get run over by Kyou’s moped. She yells at him, goes off on a tangent about how he should be grateful for not having to pay for damages, and off she goes. To avoid the griping for at least a sentence or two, I have to admit this moment actually helps characterize Kyou and make her stick out from the rest of the girls. Sure, being the school bitch isn’t exactly an original trope, but it’s still a step above the generic cuteness that Nagisa and Ryou have going for them.

And speaking of being generic, enter Sunohara as he decides to make his fellow pussies proud by fighting Tomoyo again. At the grudge match, blondie makes a poorly worded analogy about being a pitcher and how anyone “could easily have his balls hit,” which gets soundly mocked by Tomoya. In order to relieve us of Sunohara’s chode rage, Tomoyo kicks him in an action unseen since last Saturday’s episode of Power Rangers, and proceeds to throw him down a trash chute. After making an offhand statement about feeling nostalgic, Tomoyo leaves off for Tomoya to walk into girl #5.

As he walks through the halls, random people talk about a ghost in the form of a rather odd girl, initiating this show’s first and most AAGH!-worthy arc. You’d think we’d soon see this plot device show up, but no. Instead, Tomoya goes to library and finds a barefooted purple-haired girl who cuts pages out of books.

While accordions take over the BGM, our protagonist does the old meet-and-greet with Kotomi Ichinose, the quiet, smart girl of the show. After a few blank-eyed expressions and an awkward conservation about lunch, Tomoya goes off to talk to Ryou again to establish context in what the hell was going on. But just as it gets established, in comes the flying dictionary as Kyou acts like a bitch for the umpteenth time. Through miscommunication, people somehow get confused and think she likes it both ways. And end scene.

As you may have guessed, none of these scenes flow into each other at all. It feels like the writers took a series of vaguely-connected two-minute scripts and pasted them together. Hell, it would be forgivable if the characters didn’t have the screen presence of an empty chair.

With random purple-hair girl hijinks over, Tomoya walks outside to find Nagisa sweeping the floor with a broom for some reason. So this supposedly prestigious school can’t even afford janitors. Huh.

At a conveniently empty classroom, the two plan out their path to starting out a club. Nagisa has a fit over Tomoya wanting to get people to join for her body. Tomoya quickly diverts into a putdown about how he doesn’t give two shits about being in the club and how Nagisa should learn how to take charge. In her poorly-implemented leadership, Nagisa gets nostalgia rage and decides to make a poster featuring her favorite little critters, the Dango family. Despite being a relatively important theme throughout the show, the Dangos never really get much explanation beyond “multi-colored balls that Nagisa likes”, so there’s no clear real-world equivalent I can use for them. Teletubbies, perhaps? Without a moment’s notice, she randomly goes “Tonkatsu!”, which is apparently a way to cheer herself up.

Hey, Sentai Filmworks, a dub means you’re supposed to translate this, not leave it in like a bad fansub. While taking the 4Kids route and calling a rice ball a doughnut is mental, it’s just as bad if you called it an onigiri instead. Christ, with this and the Ginga Okazaki joke from last episode, it seems that the days of Ted Woolsey are long gone.

After Nagisa’s bout with Japanese food Tourette’s, Tomoya accidentally stumbles into another suspiciously barren classroom, occupied with no one but a green-haired girl with a knife and a starfish. Upon making contact, green-haired girl runs off to the door and inexplicably orgasms. No, I’m not joking.

STAR GET!

Tomoya sees sense and forces the little girl to give him the knife, noting how she’s already cut herself by accident like the dolt she is. After that, we get a few rounds of “…is this girl a product of generations of great-grandparental incest?”, consisting of her pantomiming a basketball dribble and giving high-fives, only to be relieved by more Sunohara. And apparently, he hasn’t been injured at all since the last time we saw him, rendering his fight with Tomoyo absolutely pointless and irrelevant to this episode’s plot.

Sunohara makes fun of Tomoya for being a club-obsessed pussy and leaves scene again. Since she has literally nothing better to do than to be around Tomoya whenever dramatic tension is at its high, Nagisa overhears the conversation and wonders how sincere her friend actually is in supporting her drama club.

Don’t you have something better to do than handle your balls in the middle of the afternoon, Tomoya?

At home, our main character tries his hand at making knockoff toys by painting dangos. Mr. Okazaki comes in, prompting another sissy fit from our humble protagonist. Even from a simple question, Tomoya does the whiny “WHAT AM I?” speech while punching the wall. Then he runs off while talking to himself again. And just like last time, he finds Nagisa… sweeping the ground again.

Nagisa gets excited at seeing Tomoya’s attempt of shameless copyright infringement, and soon wishes to become processed food by gushing about how it would be amazing to be a dango. Tomoya decides to pull out a random backstory subplot about how he used to play basketball. Before he can finish, Nagisa decides that she wants to play with him at the court after school, because hearing about backstories automatically changes her plans. Then again, does this girl have any aspirations besides “Stalk Tomoya”, “Sweep ground”, and “Discover cure for Japanese Food Tourette’s”?

At the dorm, Tomoya keeps staring out into space before deciding to go outside. And as he gets to the school, he sees our ditz of the show drenched in water and holding a basketball. Since no one has phones of any sort, Nagisa didn’t get the message that Tomoya didn’t want to go. And since she also couldn’t be bothered to just go to his dorm to check where he was, she decided that the best decision was stand out in the rain without even an umbrella covering her. I think those dangos are warping her brain.

Nagisa tries to teach Tomoya how to make a pass, only to realize that he has a gimp shoulder. Our dear protagonist has another angst moment about how he can’t play basketball because of a fight with his dad. Back in the past, a confrontation between the two led to his shoulder getting injured so he can’t play basketball. Ever again.

Oh, and Nagisa collapses at that exact moment. The end!

Originally posted on Wednesday, June 29, 2011.

My word, Dreamworks has done it! They have made a sequel that not only is quite good to the point that it surpasses the original, but have made a film that can easily give this year’s Pixar entry a run for it’s money. Creatively speaking, that is.

But seriously, Kung-Fu Panda 2 surpassed all expectations it had, and comes out as a damn fine film.

The film follows after the first one, with Po (voiced by Jack Black), the titular panda, living up his role as the Dragon Warrior. Alongside the Furious Five, Po helps protect his village from attackers, and the six take on a raid early on.

After some exciting action, sidestepped by well-placed gags, Po has a flashback to when he was a young bear, which he’s never thought about before. Po visits his father, the geese Mr. Ping (voiced by James Hong), who explains, and here’s a shocker, that Po was adopted. This leads Po to question who his parents really are, and when Master Shifu (givien life by Dustin Hoffman), the sensei of Po and the Furious Five, discovers that a couple of high-powered kung-fu masters have been captured, and sends the warriors to China to rescue them, Po realizes that he has a chance to find out who his parents are.

The person in charge of this kidnapping is Lord Shen (here voiced by Gary Oldman), a vicious peacock exacting his revenge on Gongmen City, which he was planned to rule. All seems well for the warriors when they head into the City and face off against him, but the feathers of Shen remind Po about the flashback from earlier, which traces back to when his parents had to leave him. Even when Po has the chance to stop Shen, he gives up, and lets him loose.

Without spoiling the rest, other than saying that the ending is very sweet, I’ll go over to the qualities of the film.

The perks of the first Kung-Fu Panda comes from the lack of pop culture references, potty humor, or half-assed “adult” jokes that plague most Dreamworks productions, and a better focus on heart, genuine humor, and story. Great CG character animation alongside an impressive hand-drawn opening sequence also helped to make the film a winner.

A clever poop joke aside (even that barely counts, though), all of this continues to be true for the sequel. The writing is still solid, with a good balance of cute dialogue and funny slapstick for the comedic side, and strong character development and an engaging story to hold everything together. One of the biggest problems with the first film was the lack of use for the Furious Five, Angelina Jolie’s Tigress aside. Here, they get more screentime, more time to shine in combat, and a couple of strong lines each. Seth Rogen’s Mantis and David Cross’s Crane in particular have some good stuff, but I still feel like Jackie Chan’s Monkey is sadly underused.

The first film relied on the chemistry of Po and Shifu, but that was sidetracked here for the Furious Five getting more time to shine and Po’s character arc. Even then, there is some good stuff between the two characters at the beginning and near the end. Their meeting together at the beginning is especially poignant and important to the overall story.

Shen was a worthy foe for the warriors. He was ruthless, clever, and held his own against Po and the Furious Five. There wasn’t much to separate him from Tai Lung, the previous film’s antagonist, but he works here for himself.

I saw this in 2D, but was still impressed by the animation. Similarly to last year’s How to Train Your Dragon, I was blown away by the fire effects, and the character animation remains as crisp as ever, Po in particular moving delectably rough. The film also used methods of animation other than computerized, starting off with a Chinese puppetry introduction, and converting to a similar hand-drawn look from the first one’s opening for flashbacks. It works well, as each use of animation is impressive.

The action was very well done. Each warrior has their own distinctive form of combat that looks and feels vibrant and is sharply detailed. The more intense the fights become, the sharper the choreography proves to be. The fireworks-filled finale shows this off in particular.

The ending leads up to a potential third film, which isn’t too surprising, since the franchise is ordered for six parts. Between the next potential four films (that is, if Dreamworks doesn’t back out on that order, like they did when they canceled the fifth Shrek) and the upcoming Nickelodeon series, not to mention potential specials, like the holiday special which aired on NBC last November, it’s possible that fans can be Panda-ed out before long.

As someone who greatly enjoyed both films and the first special, I hope that’s not the case, and we get at least one more film. Kung-Fu Panda 2 was funnier, had better action and more character moments than the first, and didn’t feel too long or short. It’s more or less the perfect sequel, especially by Dreamworks’ standards. If they could pull something like this off again, I eagerly anticipate whatever comes next for Po and the Five.

Originally posted on Monday, May 30, 2011.

Small entry this month, but a good one. Three repeats (“Boat Builders”, “Mickey’s Polo Team” and “Alpine Climbers”, referenced in the above links) and only one new addition, which I’ll review here.

Don Donald (1937)

My first true solo Donald Duck outing of the series, this also happens to be his first solo cartoon. In it, Don Donald travels across Mexico with his donkey to find the fair Donna Duck. The catch? Donna hates the donkey and won’t ride along with it. They eventually find a car, but the donkey becomes jealous, and hilarity ensues.

Donna is the precursor for Daisy, but still isn’t quite the character we know her as now. She isn’t wearing her usual lavender dress, and shares Donald’s voice actor, Clarence Nash, sounding almost identical to him. It seems as if the character was a one-off made just for the short, but the idea of Donald having a love interest seemed to fancy Disney, and a few years later, she would be brought back and before long, would be modeled like the Daisy we know and recognize today.

The cartoon is cute, even if it’s nothing earth shattering. This cartoon proves that Donald has enough character outside of Mickey and Goofy to hold his own, and there’s some good jokes here. The Latin America setting adds some flavor to the mix, and helps to make the short look and feel vibrant. I enjoyed this one, and hope it’s not my last solo Donald short in this series.

Originally posted on Sunday, May 29, 2011.