I say this without hyperbole that the last episode of Charlotte was the worst twenty minutes of anime this year. The episode of Ranpo Kitan where the fat guy made cement blocks out of lolis? All the times in Dragonball Super where the characters were just circles and dots? None of them compare to the torrential incompetence of Yu having to scour the world for mutants and then taking away their powers without even a second thought or even question as to what he was doing. This crazed attempt to turn a season’s worth of plot into an episode must be remembered for years to come so anime fans and creators will know when such atrocities will happen again. But Charlotte’s finale wasn’t out of nowhere. It was a ticking time bomb that no one was willing to cut. So I bring to you the first sign of this show’s reckoning, episode seven. But before that, let me take some cold pills so I can discuss this show without wanting to cry.
Yu’s good-for-nothing sister died because her mutant powers activated at the wrong time, and he just can’t deal anymore. He just spends all day playing violent games and eating cup ramen, and that’s bad because cup ramen’s not even the kind where you have to walk over to the stove and cook it. Cup ramen’s just the kind where you just fucking pour water in the container and microwave it. Cup ramen’s the shortbus of instant ramen, and that’s why Jun Maeda made Yu eat a diet of nothing but that to imply he’s slow. And don’t you suggest that’s the wrong interpretation after watching the last episode, because go watch that and not tell me that Yu has brain problems, the kind of brain problems that necessitate cup ramen and not fucking regular instant ramen with a pot!
But that’s okay, because our boy also eats dangos to satiate his Key belly. You need to fill your tummy after straight-up killing a guy and stabbing people with a dango stick. You see, when you’re overdosing on the dead little sister, you have the really bad shakes that make you do things you’re gonna regret in five nevers. Yu is in a tough shape by this point in this episode, having gone from killing people in video games to stabbing more people with toothpicks. Dead sisters are the slippery slope that leads to playing video games, and Jun Maeda doesn’t want you to forget that. No sir. He wants you to play happy games with no killies, like the ones he makes. All his games teach you not to do that cocaine made out of dead sisters, and the dangers of premature pregnancy. Jun Maeda doesn’t want his audience to make freak babies, okay?
Even more okay is when his girlfriend Nao reveals she was stalking him all this time, but used her invisibility so he wouldn’t know. She watched everything Yu had done and did nothing to stop it. She watched him make a dead sister idol out of used cup ramen cups and then he tried to fuck it with his overtly circumcised dango penis, and she did nothing to stop any of that. She just let him wallow in his piss, because that’s what BFFs are for, right? And all of the killing he did in this episode? That’s all okay too because he just goes into the past and hops to another dead-sister-free timeline like he’s fucking Rintaro Okabe or something. So the lesson here is that snorting the ashes of your dead sister is bad because it will lead you to getting time traveling powers. Remember that, or I’ll smack your ass for failing the test.
See, this is your booty. It’s square like your soul. And I’ll slap it if you write about Charlotte when you should really be writing about cultural Marxism. Now fuck off and let me keep taking my pills. Mmm.