02.06
And no, I don’t mean this:
Goddamn I love Excel Saga.
I mean this:
Goddamn I hate Soulja Boy.
That’s right, Soulja Boy is back up in it (OH!), and this time he’s released not one, but two singles that rival his collaboration with Justin Bieber as worst song of the 21st century. And they’ve got to be pretty fucking bad to do that. Both of these songs just happen to be about anime.
Now, before I begin my tirade, I’ll have you know that I’m not one of those wankers who “listens to everything but rap and country, lol!! xD” Like all other genres, there’s good hip hop and there’s bad hip hop. This is good. This is not. This is good. This is not. This is good. This is not. This is good. This is not. You get the idea.
The biggest problem with Soulja Boy is his severe lack of talent. While other bad rappers may be slightly decent at grasping certain concepts or may even be able to excel at one thing or another, this man’s music represents everything that is wrong with not only the genre, but also the entire industry in general. His lyrics are generally about his non-existent swagger, his oodles and oodles of cash, his YouTube “haters” (I’m serious), or women with large asses that he’d like to have sex with. His flow would be embarrassingly awful if he even had an ounce of it in his body. His beats were probably made in a FruityLoops trial. Much like the aforementioned Justin Bieber, Soulja Boy proves that you don’t need any actual talent to get a record deal, just lots of daddy’s money.
This brings us to Soulja Boy’s magnum opus, Anime. Ladies and gentlemen, feast your ears upon this bastardization of music:
If it doesn’t load, consider yourself lucky. Or click here.
Some may try to write this off as a joke song. These people have obviously never listened to any of his other recordings, because his “serious” stuff sounds just as shitty. His delivery on this track is worse than anything Vanilla Ice ever produced; it sounds like he’s bored and/or coked up throughout the whole thing (though, to be fair, all of his songs sound like that).
Let’s take a look at some of the “highlights” from this lyrical catastrophe:
Anime swag / I’m flyin’ like Goku / Anime swag / When I pull up in that old-school – Anime swag? Is he talking about the Lucky Star dolls he buys?
All day, everyday / Anyway, yo, anime – There’s some brilliant rhyming going on here.
Lookin’ at a nigga’ flexin’ like anime – Words cannot express how much I hate Soulja Boy.
Lookin’ like Death Note / Chop it to yo down throat – So he looks like a book? Probably a pretty shitty book, since the next line shows that he doesn’t know how to use grammar correctly.
Rolls-Royce black and I’m lookin’ like Goku – Goku can fly, he doesn’t need a fucking Rolls-Royce.
I’m high in the kitchen cookin’ up that anime – Man, FUCK meth, I be cookin’ up that anime and shit. You down for a blaze on that Haruhi, homie?
Anime / I fuck a bitch any day – More excellent rhyming from the world’s greatest lyricist.
I’m lookin’ like Vegeta, man / Lookin’ like Gohan / I’m lookin’ like Piccolo / Lookin’ like anime / I’m lookin’ like Death Note / I’m lookin’ like [unintelligible] – This is just sad.
Lookin’ like InuYasha – And another. Oh boy.
It’s the anime master / Hoes on my dick like Cowboy Bebop when I’m blastin’ – Remember when Spike fucked all those hookers? Neither do I.
Pikachu diamonds – …What.
Marvel vs. Capcom / Soulja vs. The World – Marvel vs. Capcom isn’t even an anime. Neither is Scott Pilgrim vs. The World.
I’ve been fuckin’ all your baby mama / Anime in her – Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the single worst two lines in ANY piece of music.
The rest of the lyrics can be made via Mad Libs. Observe:
______ anime
(Place a random noun, verb, or adjective in the above blank; repeat ad nauseam)
Keep in mind that this clown has gone Platinum more than once.
And if you thought THAT was bad, just wait ’til you hear the b-side:
Goku. I can never watch Dragon Ball again.
Goku basically takes everything that was wrong with Anime and cranks dat up to 11. The beat is somehow more generic. His flow regresses from 0 into the negatives. His lyrics are even more cringe-inducing. Hell, his unenthusiastic orgasm at 0:03 is enough to give one nightmares for the rest of the week.
Let’s examine some of the wall-bangers this abortion has produced:
Bitch I look like Goku / Bitch I look like Vegeta all hoppin’ out that old-school – This shit AGAIN? Seriously?
’64 Impala / Swagger / Bitch I’m pop ‘n balla’ / Dagger – His delivery of these lines is even worse than the lyrics themselves (which is no small feat).
Fuckin’ all their pretzels / Super Saiyan swagger – Didn’t know Soulja had a food fetish. Also, what the fuck is Super Saiyan swagger?
Bitches on my dick because all my albums Platinum – They’re probably trying to cut it off because of that, dude.
Bitch I look like Gohan / Smokin’ up that marijuana – More “I look like” bullshit. Did Gohan ever smoke weed? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure he didn’t.
Swag / Swag / I look like Mega Man / Say again / Money, yeah / I look like Peter Pan – The lyrical equivalent of AIDS.
Swag swag / I got that Death Note swag – Would you kindly write your name in it, then?
Anime swag / Put a nigga’ in a bag – So THAT’S where all the Dutch dolls went at Ohayocon!
I’m the Twitter King – Then start tweeting and stop making music.
Soulja Boy hip-hop swagger – If this is the current state of hip-hop, then the entire genre needs a hard and fast reboot.
All of this begs the question: why is Soulja Boy still allowed to make music and why do people buy it? Any insight on this matter is appreciated, because I am positively stumped.
–Foggle
Originally posted on Friday, July 30, 2010.