2013
09.17

This show aired early for some reason. And that means I have to write about it early.

I’ve invented a new drink. One part lemon juice, two parts Budweiser, and one part Robitussin (the kids’ cough syrup shit), topped off with some bleach for a little extra kick; Clorox, usually. I call it the White Devil. I mostly ingest White Devils only before heading down to the corner of 6th and Stetson to work the dirty midnight streets — a man’s gotta’ pay for web hosting and figmas somehow — but this time I decided to have one before watching anime. I’m glad I did.

Diabolik Lovers is a classic tale of girl meets boy and boy and boy and boy and boy and boy and the latter six decide it’d be fun to rape and possibly eat the former. Much like every other book targeted at young adults written in the past five years, the boys are vampires — sexy vampires. Okay, well, the sexy part is debatable. I mean, they’re honestly kind of gross-looking. Appearances suggest that they might be a bit greasy, if not entirely unwashed. Plus, one of them wears a fedora. Fedoras are only acceptable when worn by old-school mafiosi or Humphrey Bogart. And, of course, there’s also the whole rape thing. That’s a bit of a mood-killer.

So yeah, Yui shows up at the mansion from Resident Evil (seriously, look at that foyer!) [from the outside it looks more like the one from Pigeon Blood — LD], where she is to live from now on because who knows. Her father is a terrible, terrible man? She accidentally read the map wrong? She had too many White Devils before getting behind the wheel? I know I’ve made that mistake before. (My bail is currently set at $10,000 if you’re feeling philanthropic.) Once inside, she meets a living corpse who immediately attempts to force himself on her. Thankfully, he ends up being stopped by his brother; unthankfully, one can only assume that this is because he wants to be the one to forcefully take her virginity.

Yui is thus taken to the vampires’ nest living room, where they introduce themselves and make thinly veiled threats about penetrating her vagina and/or anus against her will. They lick her face. They steal and break her cell phone so she can’t call for help. One of them refers to her solely as “Little Bitch.” I found it highly uncomfortable to watch, though that might have just been the brew talking at this point. In a rare moment of clarity, she decides it would be a good idea to run away from the crazy vamrapires, but she finds herself unable to leave. Then she retreats to the attic and unearths her father’s diary, in which it is revealed that her dad was not actually her dad, and also that he played with everyone today. He had fun.

The vampires suddenly show up in the attic, surrounding her. Yui is informed that she is their prey and will never be able to escape. The episode ends abruptly, and presumably the next three hours of her miserable existence are spent being gang raped by these unhygienic bishounens. Fun stuff.

I can only assume Diabolik Lovers was written by a woman with a rape fetish who read Twilight and said, “I can do way better than that!” Unless you think the works of E. L. James and Cassandra Clare are the absolute pinnacle of literature, there is really no reason to watch this anime. It’s creepy, unnerving, and downright revolting, but not in the good, Silent Hill way; it’s more like the feeling you’d get attending a r/MensRights rally. I understand that there are people who find this kind of thing arousing, but then I must question why they are watching a television series to get their jollies. The sad panda picture is not exactly difficult to bypass.

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