02.06
NOTE: Apparently this article never appeared on the original WordPress. The order is a bit fucked up, but it’s back now!
Yeah, it’s that time again. Will it be better than last season? Well…
Dog Days
As a counter strike against an army led by a catgirl named Leonmichelle making its move, the republic of Biscotti must unleash their final trump card in order to stand a chance against this upcoming war. And as always, generic schoolboy #3262005 is up to take the sword. Just after spring vacation starts, our protagonist Shinku Izumi gets sent to this foreign land in order to help these… dogs fight off this oncoming storm, only to realize that this war might not be what it seems.
By my error, this first entry happens to be a kids’ show that wouldn’t be out of place on a Toonzai lineup. Still, it doesn’t excuse itself from looking like a mess. The characters start off so bland that you wouldn’t be able to tell them apart if they all had the same hair color. The voicing is odd, with Light, Takuto, Setsuna, Tamaki, Ling, Kidd, and Masaomi‘s actor playing the kid hero of the story. The world building is generic, with nothing to define itself other than chocobos and people with cat ears. The battles aren’t even actual battles, but sports matches with hosts commentating on everything. Honestly, there is utterly nothing that sets this show apart from other anime.
So yeah, unless this show pulls a Madoka, it’s nothing more than a bland shonen series. 4/10 – Dr. Insomniac
A Channel
A girl named Run, who’s so stupid that she almost fell out a window while saying hi to one of her friends, becomes the subject of lust for vertically challenged and not-safe-around-sharp-objects Tooru. Unfortunately, they’re a grade apart, so Tooru now fears that her crush will be taken by the time she can get to high school. There’s also these two girls named Nagi and Yuuko, but they contribute nothing to the show other than the odd fanservice joke, which is also pointless (unless, you know, you’re a paedophile).
At first, I thought this would be a knock-off of Lucky Star, with all of these moeblobs and random talk of food. But on closer examination, the characters are more reminiscent of Twilight. The level of retardation that Run has, from not being able to comprehend direction to almost getting killed while chasing a butterfly, is quite similar to Bella Swan. And Tooru has a certain stalkeresque quality akin to Edward, such as how acidic she gets toward anyone who’s interacting with Run. Doesn’t help that she saved the girl from an oncoming car.
So instead of resembling a lighthearted school comedy, it just comes off as creepy. Tooru acts like an obsessive lesbian who is probably a minute away from going Klebold & Harris on everybody. And it’s jarring in how it’s played for wholesome laughs instead of some kind of serious condition. Combined with bland character designs and pacing that makes Inuyasha fast by comparison, skip this. You’ll thank me later. 1/10 – Dr. Insomniac
Sekai-Ichi Hatsukoi
And since we always need some yaoi with our yuri, here’s some editor named Ritsu who gets transferred to the shojo industry. He gets introduced to the editor-in-chief and bitches about how he has to work on girl’s manga instead of proper literature. Turns out the EIC was his first fuck buddy back in high school (which doesn’t get mentioned yet, but is so obvious that cataract victims could see it). And because this is a yaoi, we’ll be treated to an entire season’s worth of the “I wanna fuck him, but I’m too much of a shy little bitch to say it” game.
Given how cliché this show gets when following the genre’s tropes, I may as well explain why yaoi sucks. They create a world where melodrama is king, all the men look the same, all the relationships are reduced to nothing but the archetypical dom-sub, and any character development whatsoever is reduced to a waiting game than anything else. And don’t take this as me being homophobic against media featuring gay characters. I thought David Fisher’s storyline in Six Feet Under was one of the most gripping. And for all of its faults, Torchwood did a well-done job with Captain Jack and Ianto. You know why? It’s because they treated these characters as people, not pretty-boy archetypes for fangirls to touch themselves over. In short, yaoi is essentially the Japanese equivalent of those trashy Harlequin romance novels, and this show does nothing to disprove it.
Also, seeing as it’s a DEEN production with the director of Higurashi and Umineko attached, you’re more than assured for some godawful art here. 1/10 – Dr. Insomniac
Steins;Gate
The miracles of science have finally given us a time machine. But instead of a phone box, it’s in the form of a microwave. And instead of letting one travel through time, it seemingly sends text messages from the future. Utilized by mad-scientist-to-be Rintaro Okabe, he gets thrown into a dilemma involving an agent’s corpse, people disappearing from the street, and a satellite crash right near him. What’s the cause to all of these incidents, and how will our protagonist fare against a threat that transcends time?
Despite a relatively decent first half that felt like Doctor Who meets The Dresden Files, everything after that just feels like a slog. All the characters do at this point is bicker at each other and offer exposition about the situation. Instead of having any sort of direction, the show’s quite intent on merely being mysterious for the sake of being mysterious. What’s the point of having a mystery if I don’t care about the people involved in it? Still, the atmosphere and characterization are enough to give it a watch. 6/10 – Dr. Insomniac
Health and Physical Education For 30-Year-Olds
I fail to see how this is supposed to educate anyone, since almost everything gets censored to death. So for the plot, guy named Hayao can’t get laid. Random sex god appears and offers him tips on how to fuck. Tips consist of squeezing fake breasts, vague directions about hygiene, and knowing not to use a blow-up doll. Then sex god proceeds to offer up his own ass in order to take Hayao’s virginity. Episode ends there.
…
I have finally found a show that temporarily reduced me into an infantile stupor. As I type these words, my eyes are welling up with tears at how awful this show is. No matter how many hours pass, the horror of the footage unleashed upon my essence still rings clear. I’ve got my fair share of skeletons in my closet, done things I could never forgive myself for, but did I really deserve to watch this? This is the kind of bad that comes once every millennium, the kind of awfulness that gives Tommy Wiseau and Uwe Boll comfort in knowing that they are a step above something, and the kind of abhorrence that the Great Old Ones foretold would cast blight upon our universe. I have given a name to all the entropy within our realm, and it is Health and Physical Education for 30-Year-Olds. 1/googolplex – Dr. Insomniac
Hana-Saku Iroha
Ohana Matsumae is a 16-year-old girl with absolutely nothing to look forward to in her life. So when her mom inexplicably elopes, she decides to head out to the countryside and work at her grandmother’s inn. However, it turns out that Ohana’s grandma is a bitch of the Olivia Mira Armstrong variety, who forces her granddaughter into working under threat of corporal punishment. Not only that, but she becomes a thorn on the side of another girl employed at the inn to the point where she utters death threats to our protagonist. So with all this, Ohana has a steep road to climb until she can find her place in the world.
So after making the surprisingly good Professor Layton movie and the hilariously bad Angel Beats, P.A. Works delivers a relatively decent series as their 10th anniversary project. Not being a fan of slice-of-life shows, it’s refreshing to find one that actually fuels itself on characterization than humdrum antics. The scenery’s quite vibrant, and the animation’s a step up in comparison to its contemporaries. But on the other hand, the characters start off as one-note, with the usual archetypes like the doormat housewife, or the bitch with an inner soft side making their marks throughout the episode. And the insert music feels so utterly shoehorned. All in all, it kind of feels almost Austenesque in the premise and execution. But being an uncultured slob who can’t read Austen or Bronte unless it has zombies in it, I probably won’t follow this show. Still, if the above sounds good to you, you’ll probably be in for a treat. 6/10 – Dr. Insomniac
Tiger & Bunny
A race of super-powered beings known as NEXT have taken up arms in order to fight crime, with accompanying merchandise and corporate sponsorship to boot. One of them, going by the alias of Wild Tiger, is down on his luck as he finds himself to be an accident-prone relic among a new generation of heroes. But as an offer suddenly unfolds unto his hands, Tiger must restart his escapades with a new suit and old partner in tow.
Despite my initial fear of it being basically Anime NASCAR, it turned out to be quite the opposite. The animation’s crisp, and the show has a very old-school style to it. The story’s kind of like a mix of Astro City and The Incredibles. And despite the use of product placement, it does a pretty good job cynically commenting on what it would be like if heroes were run on finances than actual ethic. Granted, the characters are kind of lame, the CG is jarring, the Engrish will get to you, and this probably won’t be a hit for anybody not into superheroes, but if you can tolerate all of the above, this might be a good show to follow. 7/10 – Dr. Insomniac
Oretachi ni Tsubasa wa Nai
We meet some kid named Takashi, who has some enigmatic plan to return to the sky because he’s an angel or whatever. And since he’s on Earth, he gets to have a younger sister, who of course, wants to fuck him, and of course, isn’t actually his blood sibling. But enough with him, because we focus on some guy named Shuusuke and his quest to get a girl at a party. Though that isn’t enough, since a stoic Sasuke knockoff named Kakeru is around doing absolutely nothing but telling people to die. No wait; there are also this couple of maids, one sweet and one a bitch. Oh, and we get introduced to some other characters, but who the fuck cares? You know you’re not watching for character development.
“From the creators of Shuffle” …yeah, that’s enough to destroy expectations. And suffice to say, it’s crap. Even among other harem anime, it’s crap. The censors are so thick you can barely see anything. Whatever unedited panty shots we get are so awkwardly done that you’re more likely to giggle at how stupid it was than go down for some alone time. And as the above picture suggests, a couple of girls in this harem are too fucking young. This show offers no sense of clarity or introduction, and instead shoves you into a crowd full of meaningless characters because even the director knows that tits and ass are the only things his show has got going for it.
So yeah, unless you are the kind of person who gets off to this kind of show (you know who you are), skip this. 1/10 – Dr. Insomniac
Dororon Enma-kun Meeramera
In a remake of a 70s series by Go Nagai, a demon named Enma, along with his talking hat, a Kappa, and an Ice Princess are off to save the world against fiends of the night. But since this is a Go Nagai series, we start off with a hot spring scene, followed by a quest to find some toilet paper, then a shower scene, then Enma checking out someone’s panties. It’s not until halfway through that actual plot develops. Oh, and there’s a face-stealing monster with a giant sword for a phallus. There’s also an old lady who swings around her breasts like nunchucks. Yeah, it’s that kind of show.
Well, it certainly isn’t ashamed of taking as many 70s tropes as it can get. I’ll give it that. The opening’s also pretty cool. But on the other hand, it means the show does nothing to freshen itself up, so the plot elements just feels old and overused a second after they’re even used. The jokes offer nothing that Panty & Stocking didn’t two seasons ago. The characters just feel bland and uninspired, feeling quite like Team Rocket or Doronjo’s gang than anything original. If you want a nostalgia fix, go for it. But for everyone else, leave and never turn back. 3/10 – Dr. Insomniac
Astarotte’s Toy
Princess Astarotte is a succubus-in-training who must acquire a male harem and consume their bodily fluids in order to survive. What sucks for her is that she hates men, so Astarotte decides that her needs will only be satisfied by a harem solely containing the mythical race known as humanity. Too bad that her teacher decides to open a dimensional rift via Yggdrasil and acquire a human for her. And with that, the show prepares for yet another season of the “Midget Bitch Is An Abusive Cunt Towards Men: Starring Rie Kugimiya” Adventures
So despite the initial description, this show’s actually boring as all hell. Instead of touching upon how stupid its premise is or even trying to relish in it, it takes itself so bleeding seriously by alluding to Norse mythology. Yeah, there’s the odd joke that makes your head turn sideways—such as the implication that Astarotte’s mom started sucking dick when she was 10—but they’re too few and far between to give this show any identity. If you wanted to watch this just to see how awful it is, don’t. It’s not going to offer any lulz or snark bait or rage of any sort. It’s just another Zero No Tsukaima. But alas, there are plenty of episodes left to see how retarded things will get for Astarotte. 2/10 – Dr. Insomniac
Hoshizora e Kakaru Hashi
Some kid named Kazuma and his little brother move to a new town, which takes half of the episode because of inane monkey antics. On the way, he stumbles upon a generic, squeaky-voiced, pink-haired girl who just happened to be collecting vegetables in the middle of the forest. Cue fanservice and panty shots. After falling over her, our protagonist gets kicked in the face by this show’s Kyou. Then he leaves, gets an unintentional relationship moment with his effeminate brother, and moves into an inn where he promptly gets made fun of for his limp dick. After a feast of cockteases and more skewed relationship moments that hint towards incest, Kazuma walks to school and talks about his parents’ job life to an orange-haired girl who—Fuck it, you know how it’s gonna go.
So yeah, unless you want to make a drinking game about how many eroge clichés you can spot, skip this. 1/10 – Dr. Insomniac
The World Kämpfer of Stigmata Only Knows II
1/10 – Dr. Insomniac
C: The Money of Soul and Possibility Control
The economy of Japan has now become a dog-eat-dog world, as our protagonist Kimimaro finds out when a jester offers him a chance to become a major entrepreneur. With over 500,000 suddenly at hand, he thinks that things might finally look up for him… until he gets dragged into the Financial District with the possibility of riches or certain death hanging over his head.
Being of noitaminA pedigree, the show feels a bit like Eden of the East in how young adults are given vast sums of money in exchange for their lives. However, the battle element hinted at toward the beginning implies that it’ll be going for a more juvenile route. The premise of people using familiars to fight each other for money just doesn’t sit well. That said, the plot layout and distinctive direction are interesting enough to keep on watching. 8/10 – Dr. Insomniac
Ano Hana
And in noitaminA’s habit to complement its genre-busting fantasy with slice-of-life, we get to see a guy named Jinta who spends most of his days at home with a short, hyperactive, albino girl who likes to walk barefoot. Unlike other shows, it’s as boring for him as it is for us. However, the resulting shock in seeing how much he’s changed since last being with his friends leads him to rethink his life and maybe heal some old wounds.
Oh, and said albino girl’s actually a ghost as well as Exhibit A for Jinta’s source of anguish.
Since it’s obvious, yeah, it’s melodrama. And it lays it on thick when it comes to milking character angst for all its worth. While it has decent enough animation, I still have to take away points for trying to play the “traumatic death” card to get sympathy instead of actually showing some trace of development for our cast. Still, if we’re lucky, it won’t get to Key levels of forced drama. 4/10 – Dr. Insomniac
Denpa Onna to Seishun Otoko
Yet another girl-crazed high school boy named Makoto ventures out to the city in search of a new life. So it sucks for him because he has to live with crazy people, specifically his Stepford aunt and a futon-obsessed cousin who spouts nonsense akin to the Hybrids from BSG. As soon as he sees the latter, Makoto realizes that something’s up, and that life has turned into an oddball rom-com for him.
Well, if you liked Arakawa, you’ll like this. Such as the case with all SHAFT shows, this gives off the basic first impression known as “…the fuck was that?” with little chance of seeing any kind of normality. And despite the bland characterization of our main lead, who’s genre savvy and little else, we get to see some interesting personalities in the other two cast members. Overall, it’s not for everyone, and will probably annoy than entertain, but if you can get over the rather odd premise, you’ll enjoy it. 7/10 – Dr. Insomniac
X-Men
One really has to wonder at the point behind this whole “Marvel anime” thing. The problem being that even though they are all flashy and nice to look at… they usually don’t contain any semblance of logical storytelling. This is no different. There is also nothing here for a newcomer to grab onto, as the characterizations are barely touched upon (never mind fleshed out even slightly) and the storyline is a jumbled mess. You’re basically given a slight idea of what the ‘X-Men’ are and flung into the thick of it, good luck and godspeed!
While one could easily pick this apart as a fan of the X-Men (the series starts remarkably similar to Wolverine & The X-Men for instance), this doesn’t really offer anyone anything even if removed from being a fan. If you want to watch an animated X-Men show you have 3 options, all of which offer far more than this does. Literally the only advantage this has over any of the other X-Men shows is the improved animation that comes standard from Madhouse. If you feel like watching something plodding, with boring characters (they seriously picked the blandest X-Men to revolve this around), and with a dumb story, here you go. This one’s for you. 3/10 – Desensitized
Kaiji: Season 2
Ah, Kaiji; a true anime masterpiece. The first season was about as intense and thrilling as a slow-paced series about gambling and crying huge-nosed manly men could ever hope to be, and the first episode of the sequel pulls off the same thing in spades. The episode begins with a good and necessary recap of the series’ first outing before jumping right back into a world where the simple act of buying a convenience store snack can send our hero into unfathomable despair. The overenthusiastic announcer makes even construction work and showering seem exciting while the conniving foreman adds unparalleled amounts of suspense to the protagonist’s plight. Plus, you get to see Kaiji cry over a beer and the ending credits sequence is one of the greatest I’ve ever witnessed.
The world definitely needs more anime like this one. 9/10 – Foggle
Health & Physical Education For 30-Year-Olds
There’s no way in hell a series that opens with the sentence “a male virgin becomes a magician as he reaches the age of 30” can be any good. To put it simply, this anime is one of the most rancid fucking shit stains I have ever laid eyes on. The “jokes” all fall flatter than the naked underage girls in the ending credits; everything naughty being censored wasn’t funny the first time, and it’s not funny the fiftieth time, either. Unsurprisingly, the Sex God’s dialogue appears to be talking to the audience as much as it is talking to the protagonist. The animation is effortless, the characters made of cardboard. In fact, the only truly good thing I can say about “Health & Physical Education” is that 3 minutes of the episode’s 13-minute runtime were devoted to opening/closing credits, keeping actual content to an absolute minimum.
Honestly, there are far worse things than being a virgin at age 30. For instance, you could be watching this fucking show. 1/10 – Foggle
Toriko
Note: This is based on the second episode, since the first one was actually a crossover with One Piece instead of a regular episode.
I generally don’t enjoy battle shounen anime. In fact, some might be inclined to say that I hate the genre as a whole. That said, this show is fucking awesome. Maybe I’m just easily amused, but the whole spin on the typical shounen action storyline – which involves finding delicious food instead of mystical objects of indeterminable worth – made me laugh. This episode isn’t smart in any way, but it’s so stupid that you can’t help but have fun watching it. Further adding to my enjoyment, the animation was unexpectedly good and the voice acting is quite well done. Toriko seems to be a likable and badass protagonist, and I honestly can’t wait to see what kind of huge-ass creature he’s going to eat next week.
I really want a steak now. 8/10 – Foggle
Nichijou
Note: This is based on the first TV episode, not the OVA prequel.
Oh, right. Kyoto Animation only makes slice of life shows about cute girls doing cute things nowadays. Anyway, this show is your standard KyoAni fare (similar to K-On or Lucky Star), but a lot weirder. In essence, this is Azumanga Daioh filtered through Excel Saga, but without the humor or the charm of either. However, it’s a major step up from the majority of Kyoto’s non-Full Metal Panic productions, as some of the jokes actually are kind of funny and the animation is exceptional for a TV anime. Also, while I’m not a fan of the character designs, the backgrounds themselves look fairly nice. There’s not really much I can say about the plot (there isn’t one) or the characters themselves (if I reveal too much, there’d be no reason for you to watch it), but I will say this: Nichijou isn’t going to win any awards and the laughs are too few and far between to keep it interesting, but it’s miles above most of its ilk, and for that, maybe, just maybe, you should give it a chance.
If you like this sort of anime, this one will probably end up being your favorite of its kind. 6/10 – Foggle
Hyouge Mono
Seemingly obscure and a true breath of fresh air, Hyouge Mono’s excellent first episode presents the audience with a surreal and mildly over-the-top story taking place in the Era of the Warring States. As intriguing as it is strange, the episode’s slow-pace and more traditional art style gives us a satisfying introduction to one of the season’s most interesting characters; the absurdity of main man Furuta Sasuke’s personality and relationship with real historical figure Oda Nobunaga makes for some great scenes (ever improved by the great voice acting) and seems almost Lynchian in nature. While the animation is nothing to write home about, it’s fairly well done compared to many recent anime series and should be applauded for not having any technical faults instead of disdained for not having anything to make it stand out. To top it all off, the music in this show is great, with an OP that can only be described as groovy and an ED that’s very relaxing to listen to.
Whether you’re a fan of historical fiction, tired of the endless amounts of moe, mecha, and harem crap flooding the industry, or just someone who enjoys well-written absurdity, this is the anime for you. 9/10 – Foggle
Final Verdict?
Eh, still better than the Winter shows.
Originally posted on Sunday, April 17, 2011.