2015
10.03

I wake up after discussing my dissertation on why Earthbound is capitalist propaganda when my roommate bumps my head, telling me “Jim, you gotta watch this show called Steven Universe!” What the hell is a Steven Universe, I asked. Why should a masculine Greek name encompass all of existence? I made a quip about how Steven Universe is clearly controlling of Jane Galaxy or Fujiko Nebula. My roommate ignored me, opened up their self-made laptop, and showed me said Steven Universe. I was told I would love this because it has everything I admire about writing. How feminine characters can stand up against a patriarchy demanding of only one-sided worship. For a moment, I almost accepted this undergraduate undertaking.

Like hell.

I have read a myriad of articles explaining how this show opens up a new world of “ideas” for women, and I’m baffled. I’m truly baffled by how many idiots could take this slop at face value. Let me say this first, I do not hate Steven Universe for any apparent feminist undertones, because these themes are merely lip service. Steven Universe is not feminist, but a skin deep narrative meant to make male viewers feel better about themselves. It’s disingenuous, brainwashing, expecting you to take things at face value, and simply evil. I almost want to smack my roommate for introducing this series to me.

I could tolerate an animated narrative for not trying to delve into the feminist canon. I still have fond childhood memories of Kipper the dog and Seven Little Monsters, because they didn’t try to bite more than they could chew. Steven Universe does that, and blunders miserably because of it. Caucasian capitalist pro-war theist Rebecca Sugar twists feminism to suit her own despotic right-wing needs, tricking viewers into thinking it’s as simple as something out of a fortune cookie. If Rebecca Sugar thinks she can even comprehend feminism in that tiny head of hers, then a complete failure in the system has been detected by yours truly. Of course, I am more than appalled by the ten-minute format, and for Miss Sugar’s belief that bite-sized entertainment is more than enough to satisfy recollecting the lore of women’s sufferage. It is as toxic as when the pro-fascist Neo-Nazi movement thought bubblegum pop Prussian Blue songs could sway the white man into idolizing his own skin color. I demand a television series that doesn’t hold your hand like a child, but one that hits you as hard as a graduate school professor. I expect the works of Valerie Solanas, not the tired screeds of Debbie Schlussel.

Why has the feminist movement been easily tricked by a clear misogynist’s scheme, I wonder? I have seen people praise ethnic stereotypes like Garnet for apparent depth instead of disparaging her for being no more than a Magical Negro archetype given a spitshine. Garnet is not a character, let alone a woman. She is merely an avatar of two other characters sock puppeted to suit their whim, waving those Meat Beat Mania drumsticks like a mammy hankering for fried chicken. And the show never criticizes her puppeteers Ruby and/or Sapphire for masquerading as a dark-skinned woman to suit their needs. Has nobody else noticed this? That the one black character is a slave to two smaller welps? I’m shocked, simply shocked, that Steven Universe fanatics could think this is progressive and not several steps backwards.

Not just that, but how could anyone take this symbolism with a straight face? Peridot is meant as a cheap way to use the Illuminati as a scapegoat for capitalist problems. Cookie Cat is a celebration of American gluttony. Greg is a slam against the aspiring artist. Lars is written as a cheap satire of the underprivileged minimum wage worker. The list goes on, longer than any thought process that occurred within writing Steven Universe anyway. Maybe some thickhead will tell me I’m casting my own vision on these characters and that I should seek some perspective, but who could be fucking bothered about that?

Even more shameful than that is the gem aesthetic through the series. Pearl? Amethyst? Opal? I only see reminders of humanity’s greed for jewelry. A mere mention of these bring to mind the blood diamonds of Africa, and the process through watching this only sees this topic trivialized and bowdlerized into something fun and cutesy like your average Bratz doll. Why is a children’s cartoon telling children that blood diamonds are okay, that the abuse and murder of African children for mere baubles is not only acceptable but morally justified? Steven Universe fetishizes jewelry and makes it alluring instead of the horrifying symbol of why our world is a cesspool of slavery. We live in a world where even the most democratic third world countries are nothing but puppet states, and this is paraded in front of us like a bread and circuses spectacle?

Fuck off.

Mr. Jim Craquer is an esteemed scholar at Miskatonic University, having graduated cum laude and is expecting to be engaged in the doctorate program within the next few weeks. To contact him, call 785-273-0325 or go to his MySpace page.

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