03.16
“This is how you know you’re living in the future: when the pornography bears no earthly resemblance to sex as even the filthiest of us know it. You may as well be renting DVDs of aliens fucking.”
— Warren Ellis
Art by Micki!
I could never get with all that Tale of the Fisherman’s Wife shit. I mean, if you want to see a giant octopus penetrate a woman (or man… or dog), that’s cool; not my thing, though. But that’s the lighthearted stuff, the videos readily available for all the world to see. Spend a couple of days perusing Japan’s animated pornography output and you’ll find babies being raped to death, maggots crawling into and (literally) eating a woman’s vagina, spiders laying eggs in a woman’s anus, and other such delights. Does sex cease being erotic when it’s rape, and when said rapist is a giant wasp? I suppose that’s for you to decide, but yes. Yes it does.
My recent experiences viewing hentai with the other thaumatropes (strictly for scientific purposes… no, really. I’m serious.), while nowhere near as disturbing as the aforementioned scenarios, have led me to draw conclusions about Japanese cartoon porn that are none too flattering. The five artistic endeavors in which we partook – Oni Chichi, Shounen Maid Kuro-kun, Enzai, Aki Sora, and Pigeon Blood – each contained at least one notable, erection-deflating problem. For the sake of my sanity, I will list but a single issue per anime; these are child rape, child rape, child rape, underage incest, and vagina mouth, respectively.
It makes sense when you think about it, sure. Half the time, what you see in hentai is exactly the kind of sex people can’t or won’t do in live action porn. And it’s animated, so obviously no one is actually getting hurt (though I do wonder how a rape victim would react to seeing Oni Chichi or Enzai). But these are still ideas studios came up with, animated, and had customers lining up to pay for [“lol, buying porn” — ed.]. Fun fact: thousands of people are fapping to pretend children getting pretend raped right now. You’re welcome.
Bear in mind that this article isn’t intended as an indictment of your fetishes, whatever they may be. I’m not that much of an asshole, and almost everyone enjoys some unintelligibly kinky stuff. As long as it stays within the realm of fantasy, you can jerk to whatever you want, no matter how depraved! Regardless, the general concept behind stuff like Kuro-kun disturbs me greatly; though to be fair, there exists nothing in hentai as horrible as actual child porn or “crush” (don’t Google that). But please don’t try to tell me that forced shit eating or nipple fisting or whatever is some sort of sacred cow, because I will laugh at you.
What's behind door number 1? ...You don't want to know.
Something important to remember about hentai videos is that 99% of them are both badly drawn and badly animated, reminiscent of those “vintage” 70’s pornos with the weird haircuts and sub-snuff film video quality. You know, the ones more likely to remind you of how John Holmes was basically a serial killer than make you pop a boner. And because Custer’s Revenge proved that there’s nothing hotter than a bunch of pixels going at it, there’s almost always a cavalcade of distortion blocks obscuring the genitalia. Such malarkey must be rectified with utmost haste, as this heinous censorship is clearly defying the rights of any and all of Japan’s talented artistic provocateurs.
Today, we will be discussing two of the previously mentioned “masterpieces” – Shounen Maid Kuro-kun and Pigeon Blood. I shall begin with the former, as despite the fact that it’s literally about child rape, it’s far less insane than the latter. That said, I feel like I should be put on some sort of list after watching Kuro-kun. Really, the only thing keeping this movie from being branded illegal, then subsequently stuffed with FBI tracking devices and shared through Limewire is the fact that it’s animated. As far as I can recall, the plot of this anime is that some orphan kid (Kuro) was sad and lonely, so an older dude who looks like Bakura from Yu-Gi-Oh! (Miisu) pretended to be his friend so he could repeatedly rape him and turn him into his sex slave personal maid. Kuro is a pretty terrible maid, though; I mean, he only spends maybe 20 seconds of the episode actually cleaning anything! The rest of the time he’s bathing or being molested and/or fucked. Such gross incompetence is inexcusable – if I was Miisu, I’d have fired him after the first day.
The cute, inseparable pair get into such wacky hijinks as tying Kuro to a gynecological chair then penetrating his puckered little boy asshole and watching Kuro get clean in the bathtub through its glass bottom. There’s this one really cool part where Kuro is covered in food and Miisu uses a banana peel to jerk him off. Then, he covers his anus in butter and fucks him. I had to pause the film at this point, as I was outright disgusted by their terrible table manners. Seriously, these guys are old enough to know better than to play with their food during dinner! This is absolutely disgraceful considering the wealth from which Miisu descends; he’s no proper gentlemen, I tell you what.
Three guesses what the pudding's resting on top of.
The movie seems to end with Kuro beginning to enjoy his sexual slavery, which is probably a turn-off for the kind of people who’d actually want to watch this in the first place. So yeah, F- there, fellas… I figured the studio that made other shota yaoi “classics” like Boku no Pico would have known better. The lack of sexy grandpas disappointed me as well, making Kuro-kun far inferior to Pico on the GILF front. But yeah, if you like seeing small children get sexually violated against their will, you’ll love Kuro-kun. (Yo, Kitty Media or whoever, if you pick this shit up for western distribution, you can use that quote on the cover art free of charge!)
Next, we have Pigeon Blood, a lovely harem comedy starring a confused young man and his posse of two moe girls, a domineering latex-clad woman, and a mature office lady with glasses. They’re always getting into fun shenanigans like filling a girl’s bowels with a mysterious white substance and kicking her in the stomach until she sprays liquid shit everywhere. The plot revolves around turning one of the girls, Rita, into the ultimate slave, capable of enduring the most humiliating stuff and winning them some sort of contest. It’s kind of like The iDOLM@STER if the iDOLM@STER girls enjoyed jamming needles into each others’ clitorises (clitori?). The “protagonist” of this two-part epic is named Chris, which is totally awesome, because it enables me to easily insert myself into the action and imagine that I am some creepy pale bastard who likes forcing people to drink their own piss after extracting it with a catheter.
Aww, they're drinking it like little kittens.
One of the most interesting things about Pigeon Blood is that, for some reason, it was allowed to be released uncensored. Maybe it’s because the production values are absolutely terrible (it looks like an early 90’s anime, and that’s being generous), guaranteeing that almost no one will get aroused by it, but still… why this of all hentai? The climactic reveal in the second episode is that one of the characters – she probably has a real name, but we just called her Ninja Maid – has a vagina mouth. I don’t mean that as some metaphor because she gets fucked in the mouth a lot, I mean that she actually has a fully-detailed vagina for a mouth. It excretes fluid when she gets horny and everything. Needless to say, this anime instantly became the most disturbing Call of Cthulhu adaptation ever.
The animators utilizing the newfound freedom of uncensored sexual organs to literally give someone a vagina mouth is the hentai equivalent of using a $100,000 budget to finance a four hour porn flick consisting solely of closeup shots of someone rubbing their taint while Tim Curry reads Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness in the background. Wait, that actually sounds kind of awesome. Anyway, this is probably the reason why Japan never lets pornographers release their films without that mosaic shit; because they end up abusing this privilege to create such monstrosities as Pigeon Blood.
"I'm makin' art here, baby!"
At one point early on, the phrase “Frankenstein’s monster of shemale cocks” becomes an objective description. It’s about 20 inches long, and a third of it is just white cloth stapled to the actual penis. One of the other girls had two dicks, but that was less weird for some reason. Just seemed par for the course by that point, y’know? And when your second episode begins with CGI diarrhea splattering all over the camera and ends with a large group of muscle-bound “jizz slaves” gang-raping an underage-looking girl who fucks them so hard that they actually die, you have to ask yourself… who, exactly, is your target audience? The nightmare-inducing stupidity of the sexual content when coupled with the godawful production values ensures that there are maybe ten people on the entire planet who’d want to watch this anime unironically, half of whom are probably in prison right now.
So yeah, about those jizz slaves. They’re, like, six feet tall, wear gimp masks, have humongous muscles, and all look like clones of each other. They also have around five seconds of sexual stamina apiece, and growl like wild animals as they sink their meat into Rita’s holes. They cum everywhere – literally – and all of them die bloody deaths by the time the credits roll. As if you needed another reason to purposefully avoid this hentai, right? Wanking to this catastrophe is like masturbating to the horses in My Little Pony… you just don’t do it. If you do do it, please don’t tell me. Really, don’t. It’s worth noting that this anime is actually based on a visual novel, which – from what I can tell – doesn’t contain diarrhea, jizz slaves, or a vagina mouth. It does, however, feature a baby getting beaten to death by the dominatrix. So, you know, yeah. One step forward, two steps back. At the same time, though, I’m pretty sure the baby scene is actually supposed to be horrifying and wasn’t intended as erotic. But what do I know? Either way, I don’t think anyone involved with Pigeon Blood was mentally sound at the time of its production.
OH GOD, SAVE ME CRAZY BUS
Ladies and gentlemen, hentai. This is what porn has become. I hope you’re fucking happy.