02.06
Episode 1 – All my Classmates are Female
Believe it or not, we actually kick things off on a bit of a flying start. Literally. Cut to scenic, sunset-splashed ocean setting, where several peeps in airborne robot suits (a guy, buncha girls, and some unidentifiable person hiding behind a tinted visor) are duking it out in what appears to be the BATTLE OF THE CENTURY. Or something. I’m given the vibe that visor-guy appears to be the antagonist, while the other kids are our fearless heroes, defending the Earth from all of his and/or her acts of vile villainy. Or maybe not; this sequence never truly elaborates who exactly these characters are, so we just assume visor-guy is bad (why else would everyone be trying to hand him his lunch?). Punches are thrown, beams are shot… none of it really goes anywhere, although the kids appear to be losing. In one final act of desperation, the one blue-haired guy makes a head-on charge at visor-guy in a blind rage, screaming “NO MORE ESCAPING THIS TIIIIIME!!!”. As punches connect, a blinding flash of light fills the screen… and then we cut to the title screen, whereby the first, last, and only remotely interesting sequence of Episode 1 draws to a close. In a definite “WHAT THE FUCK” moment, we’re left wondering just what exactly was supposed to happen here. The conclusion to this Clash of Titans will unfortunately have to wait another day, I’m afraid. And thus begins, Infinite Stratos.
Robots! Lasers! GIRLS!!!!! BOOBS!!!!! AWWWWWWWWWW YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAH….no.
Welcome to Fantasy Japan, circa-2011; a pristine landscape dotted with spiralesque buildings and other architectural feats not even remotely possible in real Japan. It doesn’t take long until we pan to a school, where our male protagonist (it’s that guy from the intro fight! See! He is good!) is sweating it out over the fact that he’s sitting in a classroom FILLED WITH GURLZ. *gasp* This must obviously be a clerical error, right? WRONG! We’ll get to the schematics on why he’s here later, but for now, our focus turns to the classrooms green-haired, big-boobed teacher, Maya Yamada… who, for whatever reason, randomly shrieks and stammers without provocation several times right off the hop (probably because there’s a BOY *double gasp* sitting amongst them in their frilly classroom of ultimate girliness). Classroom intros soon commence, whereby we now know the name of this strapping young lad that our series will revolve around; Ichika Orimura, aka THE ONLY MAN IN THE WORLD WHO CAN… no, wait, we haven’t gotten to that part yet. Sorryz.
Poor son of a bitch.
Ichika’s “introduction speech” doesn’t go over too well, and a prototypical anime pratfall blankets the class. As he ponders what went wrong, he’s given a swift and painful punch to the head. Only family could be capable of such a blow, and as it turns out, BIG SISTA CHIFUYU is on the scene. What is she doing here, Ichika wonders? Much to his shock and awe, the Chif be runnin’ this here classroom. That’s riiiiiiiiiight; she’s the teacher! A brother and sister, student-to-teacher combination! Turns out, Yamada and her breasts were only there fill in until Chief Chifuyu arrived. Oh lawd, what ARE we in for next? How about a painfully annoying scene where practically every girl in the class swoons and literally froths at the mouth over the mere IDEA that THE Chifuyu Orimura will be TEACHING THEIR CLASS?!?! That sound good? “Lady Chifuyu, scold us more!” “Cuss us out!” “Drive our asses with a cattleprod!” Okay, perhaps I exaggerate just a tad… but you get the idea.
Six minutes into this thing, and I’m already sick of it. And heck, this is the just the boring, state-mandated introductory episode. I’ve still got 11 more of these things to go, let alone 20 more minutes of this crappy episode. Crap; why did I agree to do this again? Is there an out-clause in my contract, by chance?
…anyway, Chifuyu (who DEMANDS to be called “Miss Orimura”) is quite the stern taskmaster, especially when it comes to her bro. Slamming his head on the desk and further asserting her position of dominance, she begins to lay this course on the line for everyone, as the basic plotlines begin to fall into place. The girls (and Ichika) are attending this school to learn how to pilot an IS robot, which are those things the kids were flying around in during the opening battle sequence. In a flashback/quasi-history lesson, we learn that people smacking each other silly in these things is apparently considered an Olympic sport in this universe, and Chifsie here was once one of the best in the world at kicking ass and taking names. Then, for reasons not further touched upon, she suddenly retires OUT OF NOWHERE, and is now teaching a group of wide-eyed teenagers to kick ass in their flying robot suits with the best of ’em. Or so I take it.
Another boring history lesson on the IS suit ensues; they were originally designed for space travel, it didn’t work out, now they beat each other senseless in them as a form of “sport”, yada yada yada… you’re not missing much. Oh, and uh, yeah; apparently, only FEMALES can use these here flyin’ robot suits. Thaaaaaaaaaat explains why the classroom is only filled with stoopid girls… or does it? Why is Ichika here? He’s not a girl, silly! It’s quite simple, really; you’re looking at the one and only male IN THE WORLD who can pilot an IS suit. I know, I know; it sounds much more exciting than it truly is. Boy, if only the rest of us possessed this quote unquote “talent”.
Following an incredibly boring (been using that term way too much already) scene where Ichika and his long-lost childhood friend, Houki Shinonono, engage in awkward and mundane conversation, we cut back to class, where Ich is struggling to comprehend the lesson at hand. This is, of course, hilarious in the sense that the kid apparently knows how to fully pilot and operate an IS suit, yet he’s totally clueless on the textbook lesson plan… which basically explains how to operate said suit. Cue laugh track. I dunno, I’m just thinking they wanted another excuse for his sister to bop him again (which, she does, because he’s such an idiot), thereby adding to the lulz count. Comedy is at a premium here, so physical violence (in a “comical” sense) is the best you get.
Now things get interesting; I use that very loosely, of course. It’s a recess break, and some blonde chick approaches Ichika at his desk. Immediately, she has a problem with his “greeting”, and the shades of her character are already as overt as the sky is blue. Cecilia Alcott’s her name, and being a total stuck-up bitch is her game. She’s a Brit, and apparently, is the rough equivalent of a Pokemon Master at using an IS. This begs an obvious, and largely unanswered question; if she’s such an *expert* and *elite* at using these things, why is she in a school for beginners? Oops. Sorry to break it to you, Mr. Owl, but the world may never know.
That face says it all…
If you ever decide to watch this, you’ll learn to hate Cecilia almost immediately. She sucks. Following a few bitching sequences on her behalf, and a couple more atypical anime pratfalls brought on by Ichika’s lack of basic knowledge, we learn some more stuff; apparently, they have these things called “Elite Contenders” in the IS world, which are gifted folk chosen by their respective countries to represent their homeland in IS competitions. Yep, you guessed it; Cecilia happens to be one of these elites, which is a point she drives home more than enough for the average viewer, let alone the roadside boulders, to get the gist of. She’s really full of herself, and is already becoming more than enough of a miserable bitch to make me wanna tune out. If only.
The day’s just about over as Ichika trods to the boarding hall, complete with his creepy stalker harem fanclub in tow (did I mention? He’s something of a minor celebrity among most of these girls, on account of the whole “only male who can operate an IS” thing he’s got going for him). As he begins to settle into his new abode, a shocking reality begins to set in; his roommate IS A GURL. *triple gasp* Not only that, but this particular girl just so happens to his old… ahem, friend, Houki Shinonono. Yes, that one. For these two apparently being childhood buds, they sure don’t show it here. Houki (who HATES to be called by her first name) goes postal at this point, and literally attempts to kill Ichika with a wooden sword. Several times, as a matter of fact. The girl has a hairpin temper, and she’s set off by the most insignificant things you can think of, ranging from Ichika speaking to her in a casual manner, to him accidentally picking up her bra with and making a bunch of dumb comments about it. Ok, so maybe I can see why a girl wouldn’t like THAT. She calls him a perv a couple of times, and that’s about the end of it. She’s still mad the next day, in what I assume will be one of many recurring themes in this show (along with guns, lasers, robots, bitchy British chicks, and lotz and lotz of BOOBS).
Too bad that didn’t kill me.
Thank GOD, it’s the last scene. Finally, this 25-minute endurance test through the doldrums of mediocrity is winding down. We’re back in school, and Miss Orimura announces that a class representative must be chosen. Naturally, everyone nominates Ichika, much to his dismay. As he begins to plead his case against the decisions made by his nutso fanclub, a familiar voice stands in to voice her disapproval. Yep, you know where this is going; Cecilia Alcott is BACK, and unlike every other girl in the class, she is NOT an Ichika fan. As she tears down not only Ich for being a stoopid boy, but the country of Japan as a whole, it’s time for someone to step in… and who else but Ich? They trade barbs briefly, before Cecilia becomes so incensed that she challenges him to a duel. This next bit of dialogue seems to imply that, because of the invention of the IS suit, women are now stronger than men and therefore superior, and if the two genders should ever go to war one day the women would eradicate the men in mere days, thanks to their fancy flying robot suits. Or something to that effect. By this point in the episode, I wasn’t paying a whole lot of attention anymore; just praying that it’d finally end. Miss Orimura enthusiastically agrees to let the battle commence next Monday, and off we go. The credits roll, the party’s over, and the curtain falls. And I’m simply left wondering what it was I just watched, and why it sucked so much.
God, what an absolutely boring show if there ever was one. I know it’s just the introductory episode and all (which tend to be boring in the case of most TV series anyway), but man… I still have to watch ELEVEN more of these? I cannot possibly imagine this going uphill from here. The plot of the series, and overall emphasis on teenage boobs, is already creepy enough… and by all accounts (from what I read), the borderline hentai nature of Episode 1 is basically ratcheted up to 20 during the next few installments. Why, Animation Revelation? WHYYYYYYYYYY must you do this to MEEEEEEEEEE? You are TEARING ME APAR… okay, so maybe it wasn’t THAT bad, but you get the idea. It still sucked, don’t kid yourself.
NEXT TIME, ON INFINITE STRATOS!!! Bitchy British girl and the WORLDS ONLY CERTIFIED MALE PILOT OF ROBOT-MECHA BADASSERY take to the skies in an all-out war of robots, lasers, boobs… ah, you get the idea. The fun times are sure to keep ‘a rollin, so stay tuned!
Originally posted on Sunday, August 14, 2011.