2012
02.06

Hokay, episode two… you can do this.

So the episode starts with the baddies’ lair—one with some kind of mechanical implants, while the other slightly more human (though still rather Afro Samurai-esque in design).

Back with the X-Men, the gang is riding in the blackbird, while Beast explains to the rest his concept of having created a portable Cerebro. Wait… portable… cerebro. Alright, so you’re telling me that the mutant-locating device that requires not just a capable psychic but also (apparently) a whole sector of a room in a frikkin’ mansion to use has been reduced to being used by a blue furry feet-for-hands mutant. Even if I did accept that, the fact that it looks like a Nook just pisses me off for some reason. And the reason for Beast even making such a thing in the first place? Eh, something about double checking whether or not there are really mutants in Japan or not—I was already lacking the attention span to read the subs all the way.

So once the X-Men land and meet up with the parents of the abducted mutant, they essentially plot dump everything: stuff about over 20 mutant disappearances, but the normal humans not really caring either way to report all of them. It should also be noted that the parents apparently own quite the bit of land, since they invite the X-Men to their estate filled with the works… cuz y’know, that’s totally how ordinary Japanese families function an’ stuff. Though I guess the family’s affluence makes sense since they were able to call on the damn X-Men to help solve this case.

It’s suggested that the U-Men—mad scientists out to exploit mutant powers for the sake of their own power—are the root of the cause (such a jump to conclusions is a lot more believable than the portable Cerebro) and the odd couple of Wolverine and Cyclops travel to town to further investigate. They question a local shop-owner, who talks of one of the younger workers having gone missing. Though, also being quite the anti-mutant, he starts going off on this rant about “muties” and all that… until he notices Cyclops clenching his fist. The man was comfortable enough to smack-talk mutants and yet was sensitive enough to realize that he struck a nerve solely based on Cyclops clenching his fist? These humans… I tell ya.

Investigating the area of the disappearances (Wolverine and Cyclops via motorcycles, Beast and Storm via truck), both parties are suddenly attacked by the same Afro Samurai robots that attacked the girl the previous episode. Now, I wouldn’t have that big of a problem with these hordes of robots if they didn’t have the same variation as a third-party SNES game.

Not only do we have robots whose camera tech was too good to be installed directly into its eyes or anywhere else convenient (it looks like they have to eject part of their head to get a clear shot… here’s to hoping it’s at least Canon quality), but we also have:

…robots on motorcycles

… and robots with lightsabers.

I get that in other things like Star Wars, there are “pre-boss” types of baddies like droids with a variety of weaponry (riding “insert random space vehicle,” wielding a laser gun, uh… wielding a different laser gun) but to see it here… I dunno, it just seemed wrong to me. And to make matters worse, the X-Men actually have a hard time fending them off. It isn’t until Wolverine tells Cyclops to get his head in the game that the tables even start to turn.

Following the battle, Beast reports to Professor X back at the Institute, telling him of their suspicions of the U-Men’s involvement. The professor merely suggests confirmation of the U-Men’s involvement, mentioning how the U-Men hunt down mutants for the use of their organs. Alright, so not only are we dealing with potential pedo-bears, but they’re also black market… but for themselves, so I guess black self-market? I dunno. U-Men.

The gang eventually finds an abandoned hospital, remember what they’ve read on TVTropes and figured the bad guys must be close by. It’s not too long before they run into their next obstacle: a hideously deformed test subject, begging for his pain to stop. He then bulks up a la Batman’s Bane and attacks. While the others gladly engage, Cyclops takes a closer look and realizes that the monster is actually the kidnapped boy the local shop-owner was talking about… solely based on the earring he was wearing. Okay, I can accept reaching that conclusion based on his full-on outfit, but by his earring? Let’s just assume that Cyclops has some kind of other mutation that’s too mundane to even talk about and move on.

Cyclops insists that they save this helpless victim, but Beast uses his tech to analyze the boy’s condition, concluding that his body has been warped beyond any help. Hearing this, Cyclops finally eye-beams the kid to death, finishing the fight instantly. So I get that Cyclops’ eye-beams are powerful, but the extent that this series uses them as an equalizer in fights is just ridiculous… and it’s only been two episodes. Whatever. In classic anime style, the boy is just alive enough to give the X-Men a dying wish to save the others that have been kidnapped. It would honestly be pretty moving if I hadn’t seen it done to death a million times prior.

Being so scarred from having killed a helpless boy, Cyclops again decides to hinder the plot from progressing, the others more than likely holding in their annoyance… well, except for Wolverine, who straightup punches the guy. He follows up his hit with a little pep talk, talking about how the leader of the X-Men must put his feelings aside for the sake of his team and the mission at hand before offering his own literal hand to literally get him back up when he’s down. Two things: 1) Wolverine being the voice of encouragement to someone that isn’t Rogue just feels wrong, and 2) I have no idea why someone else take on the title of leader, since ol’ Cy is clearly too emotionally unstable for such a strenuous job.

Ugh… anyway, they continue onward throughout the building (without a killer robot in sight… or anything else for that matter. 12 episode series, don’cha know.) until they reach a number of vessels—the first they find containing the kidnapped girl Hisako, and the other containing the well-endowed Emma Frost.

Two episodes in, and I’ve already spotted more Afro Samurai comparisons than I care for… and not enough of the Samuel L. Jackson variety. Geez… why am I watching this, again?

Originally posted on Monday, July 25, 2011.

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