06.11
Before I begin, let me allow this one matter to be perfectly clear…
Yes, I am a hater. I spit on your holy territory. I dance the dance of Jazz singers on your loved ones’ graves. You may now proceed to ignore the rest of this article and post some petty, misspelled, improperly punctuated drivel in the comments if you wish under the tl;dr clause. However, for the benefit of those who agree with me about the current mess of a block that is Toonami, I shall continue…
Seven years ago, I posted my thoughts on the then-current version of the Toonami block at the forum that must not be named. At the time, the anthology had undergone two of the worst lineups in its history, balancing favorites like DBZ and Yu Yu Hakusho (which we didn’t know was on its way out the door at the time) with drivel like DICE, Wulin Warriors, Zatch Bell, IGPX, and the 4Kids version of One Piece. I was reminded of the famous Moltar speech from his final weeks as host about how Toonami had become something of a failed experiment due to what was perceived as a nosedive in quality between 2000 and 2006 and how the current direction would eventually prove fatal. I was proven correct as the plug was mercifully pulled on the Saturday night Toonami, albeit three years too late.
So we fast-forward onto 2012. April Fools Day has occurred. Instead of Johnny and Mark, we see Gohan and Cell. The response has been enormous. #BringBackToonami is burning up the twitter trends. One month later, Adult Swim Action is officially Toonami again. All is well, right? Well it was… for two months. Deadman Wonderland and Casshern Sins bring in the ratings but they’re not well loved by the all-important faithful who demand their DBZ back, and replacements Samurai 7 and Eureka Seven don’t endear them either. What to do then?
Easy, you just sell out… again. Back in 2006, it was to the toy companies (which is no longer a factor since Hasbro has its own channel and doesn’t need no Time Warner money). Today, they’ve given in to the nostalgics by adding shows that either have a direct or semi-tangential connection to the original Toonami. So now Naruto’s back…albeit uncut and a decade old…but still Naruto…and its reruns…eh. One Piece is back!…except its 200 episodes in and we’ll never catch up…and the ratings toileted a week later and haven’t recovered because of it…eh. Tenchi’s back!…except its the show everybody hates…and they could have easily reaired the OVAs…but they didn’t. Thundercats is back!…but its the remake…and its reruns. Etc. Etc. The problem is… these shows all suck to some degree, and with a lead-in like the ever awful Bleach, the first 90 minutes of Newnami has become a slog (Soul Eater gets a pass since its new to Cartoon Network and probably the best acquisition they’ve made since expanding to six hours).
Well I can’t say this is the worst block Toonami’s had in a while (the infamous March 2006 lineup holds that title in perpetuity), it’s damn near close, and the assortment probably will be when Sword Art replaces Eureka come August. We have replaced toy sales with nostalgia beer goggles, which once again put a crimp on development. Admittedly my vision of a mostly artsy/seinen Toonami From Heaven is about as unrealistic as it comes, but there are some very good shows out there that could have easily been acquired for not much fuss and not a lot of cash. Full Metal Panic, for instance, has about a years worth of content spread across three series and they’re all owned by Funi, as well as other good shows like Last Exile and Steins;Gate. But no! It’s Toonami so we need two hours of boring Shonen Jump and four hours of additional nostalgia fap because that’s what you, yes YOU, want! It’s depressing.
However, on the other hand, I cannot call this a failed experiment because we’re only a year in. True, the Absolution’s going downhill at an alarming pace, but there’s hope that Jason DeMarco is basically whoring out Toonami to make it better. I don’t know if that’ll actually happen, and if it doesn’t then way to go Broonami’s, you defiled your own homeland…again, so we’ll probably find out for real when Funi dubs Attack on Titan, which can’t come up any sooner.