02.06
NOTE: This is about the anime adaptation. I like the visual novel – it’s good. Also, I wrote this over three years ago and acknowledge that it is very abrasive and kind of obnoxious. I’m only leaving it up for posterity. Please do not judge the rest of our blog on the merits of this particular piece.
After discovering the existence of a PS3 port/remake of the original Umineko visual novel, I remembered that — against my better judgment — I had actually finished watching the awful anime adaptation sometime in early March. Why, you ask? Don’t. So, let’s go ahead and dive right into the last ten episodes of this animated abortion!
Actually, it really is.
Episode 17 begins with Beatrice throwing a tantrum and crying because Battler doesn’t like her. That sentence alone really should be proper justification for my hatred of this series. The “mystery” proceeds as per usual, though it’s now coupled with scenes of Beatrice trying to win back Battler’s heart through good deeds. Excuse me while I drink this entire bottle of Jack Daniels at once.
Of course, this is all an elaborate trick on the part of our friendly neighborhood Golden Witch, because, you know, trying to make yourself look like a childish ignoramus (though it’s discovered later that she actually is) is the best way to trick someone into admitting defeat, even if it kills your credibility and your opponent’s perception of you in the process. And so, as Battler is about to sign the contract acknowledging the existence of witches, his long-lost sister, Ange, jumps to the left and steps to the right into 1986 and kicks everyone’s ass. Finally, I remember thinking, a character who is assertive, intelligent, and awesome. Oh, how wrong I was.
This is followed up by what is perhaps the worst line in anime history. Ange informs Battler of Beatrice’s wickedness (which he completely forgot about within the span of 2 episodes), and the latter offers up her entire plan on a silver platter just like any bad James Bond villain. “You start by acting ‘tsun’ and then switch over to ‘dere,'” she says. It took all of my might to keep the bile down at this point. There’s no way this could have been written by the guy who did Higurashi, I just can’t accept it.
And it gets worse in the next arc.
This picture pretty much sums up the final chapter.
07th Expansion and Studio DEEN really pulled out all the stops for Alliance of the Golden Witch. Everything good about the earlier story arcs is removed, while everything terrible is amplified. Ange, who I foolishly mistook for a decent character at first, turns out to be a gratingly obnoxious chronic depressive with a witch obsession (since she wants to go back in time and save her long lost brother from his untimely demise). She’s also best friends with the Seven Stakes and is bullied at school for being different. Someone call Stephenie Meyer and tell her that Ryukishi07 stole her plot-line from Winter Solstice so that she can pursue legal action and put an end to this franchise before the second season is allowed to air.
This story arc introduces Maria’s best friend in the whole wide world: her talking stuffed lion named Sakutaro, who actually managed to not make me want to repeatedly bash my head against a rock. How ironic that the best character in the show is a fucking inanimate object that talks in cutesy simplified Japanese. Oh, wait, that’s not ironic; that’s just a sign of piss-poor writing and characterization. My mistake. Anyway, Maria’s everlasting bond with Sakutaro isn’t really all that everlasting, since Rosa rips his head off after a few episodes. Then, Maria starts bawling and gets teleported into an alternate dimension in which Beatrice sorrowfully informs her that Sakutaro is dead and no magic in the world can revive him. That’s right, the all-powerful Golden Witch can conjure up murderous Playboy Bunny cosplayers and make people’s stomachs explode on command, but she can’t sew a child’s stuffed toy back together. This goes so far beyond the line of stupid that it comes dreadfully close to mouth-breather levels of mental deficiency.
I can’t believe there are people in the world who actually enjoy this garbage.
Things somehow manage to go even further downhill from here, which I didn’t think was physically possible at this point. Beatrice reincarnates Sakutaro’s spirit as a real, human child. Dressed in a lion costume. And then he and Maria travel forward in time and visit Ange in her dorm room. The Seven Stakes are there, too, and flash their panties at the screen every chance they get. You know a show is bad when a brief, objective summary of a scene can come off as scathing.
WHY?
Ange has been studying these imbeciles for years, but their sudden appearance doesn’t really change anything, and she continues to be nothing more than a useless fuckwit who deserves every bit of the bullying she receives. Goddamn, I hate Ange. Not as much as I hate the Siestas or the Stakes or human form Sakutaro, but she still sucks hard ass. So, yeah, some preppy bitches start messing with her since she made a poor grade on the previous test, and she flips shit, telling the Stakes outright to murder them. Of course, these hardened killers suddenly have an aversion to the pointless murder of innocents (this is not contradictory of their actions in previous story arcs, nope, not at all), and decide to deny her request. At this, Ange has a hissy fit and tells the Stakes to fuck off and die (at least someone finally did it), and they do. Unsurprisingly, Ange starts crying and remains useless.
Abandoned by her only friends, Ange enlists the aid of Okonogi from Higurashi (GODDAMN IT RYUKISHI WHY ARE YOU SO DETERMINED TO RUIN THAT SERIES FOR ME?) and some dude who looks eerily similar to Akasaka from Higurashi (FML) in her search for truth, which climaxes in her getting beaten nearly to death (if only they’d gone all the way) by some chick who bears an odd resemblance to Takano Miyo from Higurashi (. . .) and her assorted goons. Unfortunately for viewers, Ange suddenly figures out how to properly use magic and kills all of them. This shitty plot is so hard to follow.
MEANWHILE, IN THE PAST
How many times are they going to reuse this godawful Terminator parody sequence?
Kinzo summons the three Siestas (yes, they added another one; no, no one fucking asked for this to happen) and kills or imprisons everyone at the family meeting. We later discover that he left a telephone inside the jail cell he trapped everyone in. Did anyone in this show graduate middle school? Jesus Christ. A few episodes later, Jessica fights Ronove (the vampire butler guy) and George fights a rejected Alice In Wonderland character named Gaap, whose choice of clothing is rather impractical. These scenes are just as stupid as every other magic fight and have animation on par with your average [adult swim] cartoon.
I guess they call her “Gaap” because of the gap in her dress.
It’s also heavily implied at this point that Beatrice is Battler’s mom or something. Yeah, I don’t fucking know.
Moving on, we’ve finally made it to episode 26, the “epic” conclusion to this clusterfuck of a TV show. Things kick off with a bang, as Ange shows up out of nowhere to offer a few words of moral support to Battler before spontaneously dying after a whopping two minutes of screen time.
Now, let me see if I have this straight. The show spends the majority of seven fucking episodes detailing Ange’s struggle to discover what actually happened on Rokkenjima and go back in time to help her brother succeed in his fight against Beatrice, and all she does when she finally meets him is act as a cheerleader? And a bad one at that?
What
in
the
FUCK?
This whole story arc is completely pointless. If I could go back in time, I’d stop myself from even watching Umineko to begin with.
Moving on, Ange dies by having the most hardcore period of all time and Battler’s insufferable resistance to the belief in witches and magic returns due to his sister’s magical entry into his time period made possible by witches. Does this make any sense to you? I guess I should know better than to question the logic behind anything in Umineko, but this one is a real head-scratcher. Oh well, let’s just get this over with.
Grossest way to die.
Battler goes outside to confront Beatrice, where he is greeted by Kinzo, who turns into a stupid-looking giant dragon for some reason. Battler proceeds to completely destroy the dragon in five seconds flat. Dumb and pointless; just like Umineko itself!
Transformation sequence GO!
And so, the final battle between Battler and Beatrice begins! This is it, people, Battler’s finally going to kick some ass and live up to his name!
…Or he could just win an argument with her. Yeah, I guess that works, too. After he successfully provides counter-points and rebuttals to Beatrice’s claims, she is unable to refute his insinuations and gets impaled by a bunch of different sharp objects, splashing so much blood all over the place that the developers of Soldier of Fortune might tell the animators they went a bit over the top with her death.
Thankfully, there’s only one scene left in the episode. Unfortunately, it involves Bernkastel (aka Rika from Higurashi (SERIOUSLY, GUYS, STOP THAT)) and Ange discussing plans to bring down Beatrice once and for all, rendering this entire story arc completely pointless. That’s right, not only did Ange barely do shit when she finally had the chance to help her brother, but his final battle against Beatrice that ended in his victory counted for absolutely nothing. I want those 3 hours of my life back. In fact, it actually felt more like 6 hours since this show sucks so much, so I want a coupon for 6 extra hours of life, and I want it as soon as possible.
Now, I could say that Umineko no Naku Koro ni isn’t the worst anime I’ve ever seen in my life, but I’d be lying if I did. Shows like Ookami Kakushi are merely boring beyond belief and shows like Genocyber are so abjectly terrible that they just can’t help but make you laugh. Umineko is so fucking abysmal that I think it actually caused me to lose IQ points. I didn’t think When They Cry could get worse than Higurashi Rei, but I was wrong. Dead wrong. I would rather see 26 episodes of the godawful Dice Killing Chapter than ever watch any Umineko ever again. In fact, I’d say that the following picture sums up my feelings for Umineko perfectly:
Maria has the right idea.
Somebody drown these cats out in the middle of the sea.
–Foggle
Originally posted on Sunday, September 26, 2010.