02.06
This is a new series of articles that I and the rest of the crew are doing. It’s about reviewing the worst of the worst; stuff that’s already fairly terrible but that the person writing the review will hate more than the average person. So, let’s begin, shall we?
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Ah, yes, Kiba, a generic shounen so insufferable that even fans of generic shounen consider it boring at best and unwatchable at worst. I really don’t want to watch this.
…And I have to watch the English dub, too? Just kill me now and get it over with.
20 seconds in and this show is already trying to put me to sleep. “Can you hear my lullaby?” some bitch asks in a tone that is simultaneously ominous, comforting, obnoxious, and constipated. I suppose the lullaby continues to play for the remainder of the episode and series, because I really can’t see myself staying awake through this shit.
The opening shot kinda’ looks like the desktop icon for F.E.A.R.
*Cue badly-done cartoon scream.* Well, that woke me up. Zeus, Athena, have I not seen enough by now?! I have already braved the dark depths of Umineko and Ookami Kakushi, and yet I am still forced to trudge onward through this overflowing toilet of an anime!? Oh, what a world!
So, anyway, this series is about Zed, an unlikable juvenile delinquent who– HOLY FUCK IS THAT CHRIS PATTON AS NOA?! GODDAMN IT, KASHIM, WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOU!?
Ahem. “Ruffian though he may be, he does care about his mother;” yes, it’s an actual line from this series, and it pretty much sums up Zed’s character perfectly. He’s obnoxious, flatter than a grade school girl, and quite a bit more wooden than George Washington’s teeth, which weren’t actually wooden, but you get the idea. Suffice it to say, he’s completely one-dimensional and isn’t exactly the best protagonist you’ve ever seen. He does love his mom, though.
This is Zed. You’ll learn to hate him after he has a few minutes of screen-time.
The art style is similar to Yu-Gi-Oh! GX (yippee!) and the animation is slow and robotic, constantly using close-up shots and meandering pans so that the animators didn’t have to spend a couple of extra minutes making mouth flaps for the characters. With such high production values, I certainly can’t wait to see the obligatory two pointless action scenes per episode!
Zed lives in a “dystopian future” (so says RightStuf) which is pretty much the exact same thing as present-day Japan but with taller buildings and toxic air, which “only gets worse as it stagna”– GOOD LORD, IS THAT LIAM O’BRIEN AS SOME RANDOM ONE-OFF CHARACTER? WHAT. THE. HELL.
The police and school board seem to be evil adults intent on keeping the kids from being themselves and having fun. It’s like a serious version of Codename: Kids Next Door.
There’s a chase scene. It sucks.
Zed likes breaking down doors and gates in his spare time. Okay.
Turns out he breaks down doors because he wants to be free. Hey, I want to be free, too, but I don’t go around smashing windows because of it. Fucking jerk. “I just want to find some kind of purpose in my life, even if I’m not sure what that purpose is.” It’s like the writer is too busy jerking off to how “deep” his dialogue is to realize that it’s causing him to type with one hand and rehash stilted bullshit we’ve all seen time and time again in every goddamn anime.
I think Noa has a crush on Zed. Seriously.
“Being tied down, having to grin and bear it…” I’ve seen porn that conveys the exact same thing with better writing and acting – not to mention much more urgency – than this trash. Boo hoo hoo, the poor baby got in trouble for not going to school! Suck it up, you pussy.
These character designs are starting to cause me physical pain. Ugh.
“Falcon’s feathers. The falcon is the physical incarnation of the Sky God, Horos, and that makes them a symbol of freedom.” Pardon me while my mouth redeposits my lunch in my toilet.
Oh, and it’s Zed’s birthday today! Can this shit get ANY more contrived?
Apparently, yes. Noa is very ill with brittle bones and will probably die soon.
Zed’s mom is, like, 25. And Zed is, like, 15. What.
Zed loves breaking doors down, so why doesn’t he even try when he gets locked in the storage closet? What an idiot.
Then there’s a really bad fight scene straight out of Blue Dragon in which we’re introduced to another character; Roya. Will she be more interesting and likable than Zed? (Doubtful.)
Liam O’Brien (I think) comes back and turns into a demon with a skull staff and shoots a member of the school board with a magic laser. He then proceeds to fight Zed with his lightsaber. But before that can happen, first comes the shocking revelation (from a mouth that is in full view but still doesn’t move) that Zed is a Shard Caster! What’s a Shard Caster, you ask? I have absolutely no idea, but it’s probably the exact same thing as the ninjas from Naruto or whatever the fuck Ichigo is in Bleach.
But wait! Suddenly, Zed’s mom throws an exploding gumball at the demon, who was apparently “sent from Tusk,” whoever the fuck that is. She’s also a Shard Caster, apparently. She throws more gumballs at the demon and then jumps around a bunch. Yawn.
Then there’s an exceedingly lame car chase. Yawn again.
Slow-motion running. I’ve never seen this before.
An angel (or something) drags Zed through a portal. I don’t care.
Back to Roya… “Jiko, I will take that Spirit Shard, along with your corpse,” a strangely dressed man proclaims. Great, as if it wasn’t generic enough already… The evildoer then proceeds to throw a Pokeball at the ground and summon a giant monster. Absolutely riveting stuff here, folks. Zed then falls out of the sky and weird tribal music plays for some reason. “It’s so strong… It’s like the wind is calling to me.” That’s great, dude. He stares off into the distance for a few seconds. Roll credits.
Well, that was perhaps the single worst 20-minute OVA I’ve ever se– WAIT… THERE’S 50 MORE EPISODES?
–Foggle
Originally posted on Sunday, January 9, 2011.