02.06
Hey guys, Avaitor here. We’ve been hoping to do guest reviews for a while, and our good friend Kiddington, an AR board regular and all-around cool guy, was the first to send in a review, this time for the live-action Fairly Odd Parents movie, something no one on staff wanted to watch and review for ourselves. Hopefully this won’t be the last we see of Kiddington on the blog, or of other guest contributors. Stick around!
Ten years. My word, 10 years. Can you believe it? Here we sit, a full 10 years later… and Nickelodeon’s animated series, The Fairly OddParents, is still alive and kicking. Playing the role of red-headed stepchild to a certain aquatic seasponge for the better part of a decade, this… show… about a 10-year old boy and his magical fairy godparents has quietly (in so many words) lumbered along through eight seasons, over 100 episodes (with a good 30 or so still unaired), seven (!!) movies, and a couple of horrible Jimmy Neutron crossovers we best not speak any more of.
It’s quite astounding, really; a series that Nickelodeon has shown almost no desire to merchandise (couple of shovelware video games notwithstanding), and one that was never any kind of real “hit” right out of the gate, is still limping along, after all this time… and I can’t highly emphasize “limping” enough. New episodes are sporadic enough to make the casual fan assume that it’s already been cancelled, with a paltry offering of one or two new adventures premiering every few months. Nick doesn’t advertise, nor is it (usually) anywhere to be found on that daily smorgasbord of SpongeBob and iCarly reruns. Almost makes you wonder why they would continue to invest money in a series that they don’t even really care about. Television ain’t free, after all.
…and speaking of money, I cannot possibly think of any worse use of the ol’ greenback than what I’m about to break down here today. For a series that is so clearly on its last legs, choking away at a dying breath with each passing day, you’d think the smart executive decision would be to burn through the catalog of unaired episodes that they greenlit years ago, and quietly put it out of its misery. But no… somewhere along the line, circa 2009-2010, somebody at Nickelodeon had the bright idea to actually greenlight a full-on live-action adaptation. Of this. Live-action fairies. God help us all.
We all knew it’d be bad. All indications up to this point were that this movie was the be all, end all of suck, and that it’d simply further drive a stake into the heart of a series that wasn’t really all that great to begin with. The fairies were to be rendered in CGI. Timmy Turner would be played by an aging Drake Bell. Baby Poof would be voiced by Randy Jackson, of all people. All of it true; all of it equally horrifying.
Things get off to a rolling start. Within the first minute of this absolute monstrosity, we are already treated to our first glimpse of CGI fairies… and yes, they look just as bad as you might imagine (think Fanboy & Chum Chum-esque quality; by the looks of things, the animation studio responsible for THAT is also running the CGI show here). The voices of Cosmo and Wanda are unchanged, provided by their regular VA’s from the series, Daran Norris and Susan Blakeslee, respectively. As previously mentioned, live-action Timmy Turner is portrayed by none other than Drake Bell, an aging child star that still hasn’t cut ties with his former employer. In this instance, Timmy, now 23 years of age, is portrayed as a bit of a loser; a manchild still clinging to his past, still living at home, and still riding the wish train of his fairy godparents (whilst laughably bucking the trend of series continuity in the process; he SHOULD have lost them at age 18, but who even cares at this point).
As the fun continues, we are treated to all sorts of camp… all of it so bad, it’d be worth an Emmy in an alternate universe. Right out of the gate, we get our first shot of toilet humor, as Baby Poof rings off a belch right in everyone’s face as he tries to speak for the first time. I wince at the thought. But wait… there’s more! Strap yourselves in folks, it’s time for a good old fashioned PIRATE BIRTHDAY BATTLE!!!!! Today is Timmy’s birthday, and what better way to celebrate! By the use of magic, lame pirate fighting sequence ensues, with acting so wooden, so forced, and so incredibly lame that it’s enough to make your head spin. All within with first MINUTE of the film. And we’ve still got 59 more to go. FML.
Shortly after this concludes, we are introduced to Jorgen Von Strangle, Fairy World’s resident Schwarzenegger mask. Live-action Jorgen is portrayed by some guy named Mark Gibbon. All I know about him is that he’s Canadian, doesn’t have much of an acting resume… and that he absolutely SUCKS in this movie. The scenes with Jorgen are probably some of the most cringeworthy moments of the entire thing, and for a movie this bad, that says something. He spends the entire film running around, shooting love arrows at Timmy so he’ll fall in love with stuff… because apparently, if he falls in love, he loses his fairies. Which Jorgen wants, because he’s a big flaming bastard. Whatever.
Timmy’s parents are next on the scene. In a rare instance of casting not gone horribly wrong, Daran Norris is actually playing Timmy’s live-action dad, the same character that he voices in the series. He’s dabbled in the live-action department before (Ned’s Declassified, Big Time Rush… basically, he’s buds with Scott Fellows, aka the sick bastard also responsible for Johnny Test, who, surprise surprise, wrote this horrorfest), so I guess he wasn’t afraid to show his mug on screen. Susan Blakeslee’s a bit more camera shy, though; she’s nowhere to be found. Timmy’s mom is portrayed here by Teryl Rothery. Like Jorgen, they’re both on a on hellbent mission focused on the Tim; in this case, they’re trying to get Old Man Turner to move his ass out of the house, in the most not-so subtle of ways. Yawn.
Hilarity ensues (not really) with the Turners, as the try and convince ol’ Timmeh to leave with an elaborate set of unfunny, job-related birthday gifts, before we move on to our next character intro. Vicky’s up to the plate, and man oh man… if there truly is a Magnum Opus of suck in this movie, it might just be her. I’ve never heard of Devon Weigel, the actress that portrays her; apparently, she’s Canadian (hey, just like Jorgen!), and her acting resume is just as small as the other guy. And by the looks of things, it’s gonna stay that way. Her role in this quote unquote “movie” might just be a career killer… no, make that a career annihilator. The whole thing is already an acting nightmare to begin with, but somehow… SOMEHOW, this girl actually manages to stand head and shoulders above the rest in the worst possible way. I can’t even really get into specifics, because it’s all that bad. All of it. Everything; every line, every action, every literal motion… just, EVERYTHING. Should anyone ever decide to watch this out of moribund curiosity, praise your deity of choice that Vicky only has a small, almost bit role in this movie; any more of her, and it might drive you clinically insane.
More character intros. Mr. Crocker’s up next, Timmy’s nutso Elementary School teacher. Manchild Timmy’s been in his class for 13-years, and this old fool’s had enough. Determined to expose Timmy’s secret of eternal childhood (which is, of course, his FAIRY GODPARENTS FAIRY GODPARENTS FAIRY GODDDDDPAAAAARRRRREEEEENTS… yes, that tired old gag from the show is very much used in the movie), he serves as Primary Antagonist Numero Uno. Well, for now anyway, until the next baddie shows up on scene later.
I’ll say this much; in a movie riddled with so many bad casting calls, this was actually one of the very few they got right. Played by some guy named David Lewis (again… another Canadian, never heard of him, hasn’t been in a whole lot), he does an absolute spon-on impression of Carlos Alazraqui, Crocker’s VA from the series. I’m not making this up, either; it’s actually really good, and one of the few high points of the movie. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say they almost dubbed Alazraqui’s voice right over Lewis; it’s that close.
Couple of ill-conceived fart jokes later, we move on to our final set of character intros. As Timmy bicycles home, he spots a hot girl (played by one of Nickelodeons own, Daniella Monet) walking, gets distracted, and runs into a mailbox. Cue laughter. Needing to know just who this Adonis is, he follows her. Segway to Dimmsdale Park, where slick-suited supervillain Hugh J. Magnate (portrayed sadly, and terribly, by Steven Weber) stands at a podium, unveiling his plan of pure, delicious evil; to tear down a giant tree, and in-turn build a giant oil rig in its place… right in the middle of the park. Yeah, that’s the exact same reaction I had when I first heard it. You can’t make this stuff up, folks; this is Grade-A bullshit at it’s very finest. And thus, we are now introduced to the real primary antagonist of the movie… which is this guy. I still don’t know how in the Sam Hill they actually convinced an established actor like Steven Weber to take part in this madness, but it happened, and he’s here.
Final noteworthy character intro; hot girl from three minutes earlier plays the role of “concerned citizen”, stands up to suit-guy Magnate, tells him how horrible he is, and reveals herself as Tootie; the insane, ugly girl from the series that has a mad crush on Timmy. In the series, she’s also Vicky’s sister, but no mention of that is made here. Oops. Anyway, now she’s no longer ugly, and lovestruck Timmy watches her noble act from afar. She then proceeds to tie herself to previously mentioned big tree, following through with a tired cliche that’s been done a thousand times over. Suit guy can’t possibly tear down the tree now, riiiiight? He’d be a killer in the process! Unfortunately, because he’s a bastard and all, he goes through with the destruction of said tree anyway, assuming that Tootie will just move out of the way at the last second (because, in his own words, “that’s what they all do”). She doesn’t, and it’s up to Timmy and his fairies, with the use of some quick-thinking magic, to save the day. I won’t spoil what goes on here, but rest assured; nothing that really happens in this next sequence is funny in the least bit. Tootie is saved, though, and suit guy appears to be defeated. Rejoice.
…oh, and I almost forget to mention; somewhere in all of this, we are introduced to Chester and AJ, Timmy’s two loser childhood friends, rounding out the absolute FINAL (yes, I’m serious now) in character intros. But I really don’t want to talk about those two. At all. They suck. The characters suck, the actors playing them really suck… everything about these two just sucks. The less said, the better.
Moving on, we cut to Magnate’s limo, as he rides off in defeat. Being the smooth operator that he is, he concludes that there is no possible way he could screw up this badly on his own, and that his presentation was sabotaged. It is, at this point, that he receives an anonymous phone call, whereby the person on the other end (revealed in mere moments to be none other than the films other villainous scurge, Mr. Crocker) reveals to him that he knows who screwed him over, and that they should meet later that night in “The Alley”. The Alley, as it turns out, is not a dark, insidious crevice between two buildings at all, and is instead a fancy, upscale Chinese restaurant. I’m ashamed to admit, that little joke actually did get a chuckle out of me. My standards must be slipping. Anyway, they meet, Crocker reveals it was all Timmy, and the two basically team up for of a common goal; to DESTROY TIMMY TURNER.
Timmy, meanwhile, is quickly falling in love with a now de-uglified Tootie. They frolic, they laugh, music plays, and his CGI fairies become increasingly worried that he’s falling in love with her… and you know what thaaaaat means! In an attempt to sabotage Timmy’s romance so they don’t lose him forever, the duo decide to transform into actual human beings. Animation no more; everything is now running on live-action, for a few brief moments anyway.
Confession time. I’ll freely admit; this next sequence was the one and only part of the movie that I legitimately enjoyed. Everything else about this abomination is completely insulting to my intelligence in every sense of the word, but this one scene was actually somewhat enjoyable. Cosmo and Wanda, now in live-action (a concept that works a lot better than you’d think), are portrayed by Jason Alexander and Cheryl Hines respectively. No, I am not making this up; George Costanza (or Duckman; your call, really) and Larry David’s TV wife are in this movie, and they are now playing Timmy’s very own fairy godparents. You know, on the one hand, it’s a shame to see two actors that I admire so much be so criminally miscast… but on the other hand, I’m kinda glad they are here, as they actually made one small scene out of this flaming disaster fairly enjoyable to me (which is more than anyone else has managed up to this point). Yep, it’s official; my standards really ARE slipping.
After the both of them torture Tootie for a good minute or so in a feeble attempt to scare her off, Timmy demands that they not “screw this up for him”, and instead has them both use their magic to restore Dimmsdale Park. Boy, Drake Bell really knows his way into a woman’s heart, doesn’t he? Tootie loves it, more frolicking ensues, and our sitcom vets wince in the background, as it surely looks to be all over for them now. Timmy and Tootie are about to lock lips for the… ahem, second time (I don’t remember this ever happening in the show, but apparently it did), making this storybook romance official, and marking the end of an era… or ARE they? Without spoiling the juicy details, the kiss doesn’t happen, and Tootie runs off in disgust. It’s not the end of an era, but unfortunately, it is the end of live-action fairies, as the duo decide to transform back into their CGI zombie form for the duration of the film. By far, the most enjoyable scene of the movie, and it’s already over in less than five minutes. Fare thee well, George; you gave it your best.
As we close in on the home stretch, things of the “evil” variety finally start happening. A visually disgusted Tootie is kidnapped by a group of Magnate’s lackeys, while Timmy’s extended magical family is captured by Mr. Crocker. All of them return to Magnate’s underground lair of unhinged villainy, where Steven Weber basically proceeds to make an ass out of himself for the final 20 minutes of the movie (“RESPECT THE PECS, FAIRIES!!!”), while also harming Cosmo and Wanda in the process by making bad wishes. It’s up to Timmy to save the day, and this unfortunately calls for the help of Chester and AJ. Oh yeah, Vicky and Jorgen also show up again as well, but who cares. Hijinks, hilarity (again, not really), disco, and badly choreographed fight scenes are soon to follow, none of which I’ll get into the full details of here. Rest assured, though; it’s all just as bad as you could possibly imagine.
I won’t spoil the ending either, but I will say this much; it’s a sappy, feel good cop-out of epic proportions that a monkey could probably see coming from a mile away. Not that I actually expected the ending to be any good, mind you, but still; everything about this movie is just so damn insulting on every possible level, it almost hurts reminiscing about it. They could have, at the very least, given us a decent ending… but I guess it doesn’t even matter now. Almost everything else about this movie sucks, so why not make the ending suck just as much? It’s only fair to the audience, right?
We’ve all come to know by now that live-action adaptations of animated properties simply do not work. Be it the Flintstones, Yogi Bear, *gasp* Inspector Gadget, or that upcoming Smurfs movie that makes me sick to my stomach… they’re all equally terrible. It’s a concept that just doesn’t mesh, no matter what you possibly try to do with it. And yet, Hollywood still doesn’t seem to get the picture. It keeps happening (hey, we’ve got Looney Tunes adaptations on their way!), and the Fairly OddParents would appear to be their latest victim. I guess if it’s any consolation, you can say that no childhood memories were really harmed in the making of this disaster (because honestly, who even likes this show that much anyway?), but still; it still happened, and it’s still here. I still watched it, and the things that I’ve seen, the dialogue that I’ve heard… I cannot go back.
Oh, sure; as I mentioned, there were a few mild bits of good to come out of this mess. Daran Norris (as live-action Dad, not as Cosmo; he still sucks as Cosmo), David Lewis, Jason Alexander and Cheryl Hines all turned in decent performances, despite having almost nothing of remote coherence to work with. It wasn’t all bad… just about a good 95% of it, give or take. In making this, they’ve actually managed to take an already winded and browbeaten series that needed to just go away to begin with, and succeeded in making it that much worse. Bravo, Nickelodeon; had I not just subjected myself to that most unholy form of mental torture, I’d tip my hat to you. Actually, no, I wouldn’t; you guys suck.
…oh yeah, and one last thing I probably shouldn’t forget (as much as it pains me to bring it up again). I had mentioned earlier in the review that Baby Poof talks in this movie, and was voiced by the one and only “YO DAWG” Randy Jackson. It’s all true, and does indeed happen. It comes up at the very end of the film, and the actual scene couldn’t have lasted any longer than 10 seconds… but… oh my, I don’t even know what to say, really. The lasting impression this will leave on you is surely not a good one. I warn you, this next sequence is frighteningly bad. The complete transcript of Baby Poof’s first words is as follows:
YO MAN ITZ GONNA BE SO COOL MAN WE GONNA BE BUMPIN MAN AND TRYIN TO HELP THE BOYZ OUT YOU KNOW HOW WE DO IT. YOU FEEL ME DAWG? *wicka wicka*
Mouth agape, I am speechless. I am simply without speech. As if the ending to this… thing… wasn’t already bad enough, they go and close the book on it with this. Butch Hartman, you’ll be taking this one to the grave, my friend. THE GRAVE.
End
Originally posted on Sunday, July 10, 2011.